Thursday, July 12, 2007

Paying backward

When I was in high school, I took a bad fall, head-first. I extended my arms to break the fall. It all happened in a flash. No broken bones, but I did jam both arms. Painful.

To ease the pain and give them a rest, the doctor ordered i keep my lower arms at right angles to the upper part. And physical therapy was prescribed. Not too difficult. Through this mending time, I was to do exercises to gently stretch my arms back out. It hurt, I mean really hurt. Sent home with exercises to do "on my own", I knew I'd get over it.

Avoiding the more intense pain by neglecting my exercises, I have paid a price. Now, about 35 years later, my arms will not straighten out. The lower arms have lost a little bit of the range-of-motion.

When I carry something quite heavy (like a suitcase) that wants to pull my arm to full extension, it causes pain. It cannot be fixed. it cannot be corrected.

Short-term pain, even though much more intense, is, in the long run, worth the price.
Otherwise, the pain is dribbled out over years and years.

The pain now (though more for others than for me) will be worth it. The slow death of depression, repression, suppression has found its Calvary. Death, where is thy sting?

Sometimes death is very, very slow. Glacial, even. At last, resurrection.

This will be my one-hundred-and-twelfth post. Give or take. I began in November 2005, twenty long months ago. Eventful year, eh?

Friends have once again lent us their condo at Hilton Head Island, SC for a beach break. My girls are here with me for several days; their my mom comes down this weekend as I depart.

This is a completely new and different kind of way to do vacation, the parent switch-off routine. The girls (now nearly 16 and 19) are adjusting (with some difficulty). It is all so different for them and so un-imagined, they are reeling. They will adjust, accept, adapt.


Anonymous said...









Lemuel said...

You image of putting off the pain and paying the price later haunts me, as it should.

Resurrection becomes you.

Ur-spo said...

congrats on the stat!
not to be worrying about the daughters; they will soon learn they can get the best of both worlds in a split situation!

Steve F. said...

Indeed - resurrection DOES become you, brother.

I wish I was as far along as you. In some ways, I find myself nearly as closeted as I was. Part of that is situational - supporting and living with my family means no place to "come home and play" with potential partners. And I'm not much for parks, bars or gloryholes. So I struggle...

And if you're gonna have a time to just decompress, Hilton Head in the summer is a great place to do it! It's tough duty, but someone's gotta do it!

bear said...

The pain will be worth for you because it is accompanied with much is like a death to kill the image of who you were before. Love is the key.

The beach is always a nice treat, you'll get used to the adjustment I'm sure. Congrats on your milestone! hugs.

john said...

Your love and devotion to them will help them adapt and adjust.

David said...

Brave man...

Deep breaths and smile!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing so we can Bear You Out!

I discovered your blog today. After seeing how relevant your thoughts and experience are to me I've gone back to start from your on-line beginning.

I am also married, a father, christian, and gay. My wife and I are struggling to be happy in life together, each with our ups and downs.

Thanks again for opening a view for us to see and feel your path.

james said...

Have a great vacation. I have been reading your blog since the beginning and will continue to pray and search with you. The results of your vacation will determine a lot of my decisions