Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Still standing

Hello, all.

I am out of the house, but not exactly out of the closet.
This past weekends was one of the most painful I have ever had to endure. Much anger, much sadness.
My wife and kids are sad and angry. Very angry with me. That's appropriate, too. The graceful thing is they love me to where they will tell me their anger. And, we know we love one another such that we will work through it.
Love and prayers from all have helped. I look forward with joy to real hugs one day.

Shalom. Joe.


A Troll At Sea said...

Toasted Joe:

One thing at a time. You just have to be prepared for things to be ugly in the short term [which can seem REALLY long]. I can barely believe the difference the last six months have made in my life, and in three or four weeks it will be a year since I moved out.

Your life DOES come to an end. But eventually, if you can pass through death rather than denying it, you can arrive at new life. And that is completely overwhelming.

I never thought I would see the day.

So please, give yourself [and them] time. And if you ever need an ear, you know how to get ahold of me.


Jeremiah Andrews said...

My Brave warrior,

Did you think that you would escape all the emotions one could throw at you? Yes, emotions are running high, but you must remember that (BY YOUR choice) you can either join IN those emotions or you can let them wash over you like the sea to the shore.

You must allow feelings to exist and to be felt because like the tide, emotions will ebb and flow. Just stay in your dingy and ride the tide until it goes out.

This Too Shall Pass...

We've shared with you that going into the world does not mandate that you Come Out to the world. Be who you are, love those that love you and remember that your children are still your children until the day you die... Never Forget that.

Take some time and sit with your feelings. Do Not Drown them, Drug them or Sex them away. Feeling is ok, acting out Is NOT.

Remember we have the choice to either engage in 'Others emotions' or we do not. How much you engage THEM will dictate how hard you feel those emotions pointed at You.

You both entered this marriage many years ago and had children. So this split is not necessarily ALL your FAULT. It takes TWO to tango.

Remember that we love you and support you and if you need to email or call us and I am sure any of your advisers here will gladly talk you through this. I'm sure we all agree that taking care of you now is the Most Important ACTION we can do for you.

Chin Up Young Person, this isn't the end of the world. Many men come out into the world, YOU are not the First and Surely Won't Be The Last.


Lemuel said...

Sending cyber Hugs for now along with best wishes that the pain and anger will soon be replaced with acceptance and understanding.

Ross said...

Hugs and prayers.

daveincleveland said...

dude you know how i feel buddy....i have found it is indeed a period of mourning, its a death, but in death there is life, you will get through this they will and your kids will always be your kids, hopefully there will be a friendship develop with your wife,,i don't think that will happen in my case....but like others have said, be careful,take time, and just be you

Michael said...

As I have said before, life is changed, not ended. One day at a time, easy does it and all that stuff. SomeOne is holding you close already.

JJ said...

This in regards to Jeremy's comment about fault and it takes two to tango. I disagree.

We are humans. Sometimes good people hurt other people because of societal pressure, lack of foresight, lack of knowledge, lack of self-control, etc. We need to own up to the fact that our actions and words do affect others, even if that was never our intention.

At this pivotal moment in Joe's life, he needs to accept that life's circumstances, and yes, his choices have led to pain for some of the people he loves. I think it is unhealthy to encourage him to shift the blame to others who had and have no way to change the absolutes (Joe wants to live an authentic life as a gay man. Joe's wife and children are grieving.) of the situation.

Joe, acknowledge that choices made with love and good intentions when you decided to marry and have children did not turn out as well as you'd hoped, acknowledge that there are many, many good things about you as a person. Time will heal all, and a new normal will emerge for those in pain.

john said...

They still love you and that's the important thing!

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Did you read what I wrote JJ???

They got together - THEY got married - THEY had children from that marriage. BOTH are involved, It took two to tango and get married and have children, and it will take two to end this marriage.

Fault? Who's to fault? I never faulted anyone, but pointing anger at one by the other because of choices made WELL BEFORE this is what I was trying to say.

She got into this marriage and so did he, so anger at one because of this is stupid. She knew this was coming and she's very angry?

Well, I'd be too.

It took Bear how many years to come to this decision, and how long did she know this was coming and now they have gotten to this point. And everybody's angry....

Ok emotions are good and necessary. Eventually you put anger aside and you move on instead of faulting one or the other.

Next time read all of my comments since the beginning and understand what I am saying, obviously you didn't get it the first time.


Bigg said...

I am wishing you much strength and endurance, but hoping they won't be so necessary...

Ur-spo said...

the worst is over
it is with the ones we love the most we can be the most angry.

bear said...

You're doing the right thing, always remind them that no matter how angry or hateful things that are done or said, you love them. Our lives here are too short to stay angry for long. I think reassuring your kids now is the most important thing you can do for them...
Further "outings" will bring more anxiety and pain and even confusion, so I think you should let this one settle down with your family first. There's no rush to announce your orientation to the world, so if you must, be very very selective. Hang in there and remember to love.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Everyone needs to go to their rooms for a "Time Out" so we can all cool off and think with sound minds.

Anger is wasted energy that could be put to better use, like compassion, understanding and love.

With all the prep time for this long time coming, everybody needs to just settle down and relax.

I know, a little late, but who cares.


gratefulbear said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Joe.

Steve F. said...

There's been much that is good said already, Joe.

I knew my mother was dying for a year before her "sudden" heart attack. I was not surprised when I got the call that she died - but I still was in shock. I imagine you, your wife and kids are in the same boat.

Knowing something is true, knowing something will happen, and actually having to act based on that knowledge and/or event are vastly different things. We think if we know something, we can handle or endure it. It ain't the same thing.

And yes, while you and your wife entered into your marriage equally, you knew something she didn't know - although you had every intention of honoring your marriage. Life changes, people change - and what was once tenable becomes completely untenable, over time.

It's at times of great emotion and great loss that I'm tempted to think "what program?" and "God who?" Find your strength and your companionship in the people and rooms of recovery. As folks have told me so often, it's easier to not fall out of bed if you're in the middle, instead of out on the edges.

That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.

Remember that being "out of the house" does NOT mean "out of their lives." Imagine one of those Calder mobiles - various-shaped weights hanging from wires and crossbars. Then imagine suddenly cutting off one of the big weights. The whole structure gyrates wildly, swinging this way and that. It spins around, wobbles to and fro. There is no balance, no rhyme or reason to the motion.

Sound vaguely familiar?...

Eventually, it finds a new equilibrium - a place of rest and balance. It is not the same place; it is a different balance. But it will come - for the mobile, and for you, too.

It's just hard to imagine it when everything is in wild, seemingly uncontrolled motion. And it almost always takes longer than we think.

As for "coming out," it is an ongoing process. In every encounter, we "come out" in different ways, and to different degrees. There is a vast difference between "coming out" and "exploding out.

Praying for a modicum of serenity and peace for you brother - may knowledge and acceptance of God's love for you surround you like a cool breeze on a hot summer day...