Hello, all. I am out of the house, but not exactly out of the closet.
This past weekends was one of the most painful I have ever had to endure. Much anger, much sadness.
My wife and kids are sad and angry. Very angry with me. That's appropriate, too. The graceful thing is they love me to where they will tell me their anger. And, we know we love one another such that we will work through it.
Love and prayers from all have helped. I look forward with joy to real hugs one day.
Shalom. Joe.
12 comments:
Toasted Joe:
One thing at a time. You just have to be prepared for things to be ugly in the short term [which can seem REALLY long]. I can barely believe the difference the last six months have made in my life, and in three or four weeks it will be a year since I moved out.
Your life DOES come to an end. But eventually, if you can pass through death rather than denying it, you can arrive at new life. And that is completely overwhelming.
I never thought I would see the day.
So please, give yourself [and them] time. And if you ever need an ear, you know how to get ahold of me.
T@C
Sending cyber Hugs for now along with best wishes that the pain and anger will soon be replaced with acceptance and understanding.
Hugs and prayers.
dude you know how i feel buddy....i have found it is indeed a period of mourning, its a death, but in death there is life, you will get through this they will and your kids will always be your kids, hopefully there will be a friendship develop with your wife,,i don't think that will happen in my case....but like others have said, be careful,take time, and just be you
As I have said before, life is changed, not ended. One day at a time, easy does it and all that stuff. SomeOne is holding you close already.
This in regards to Jeremy's comment about fault and it takes two to tango. I disagree.
We are humans. Sometimes good people hurt other people because of societal pressure, lack of foresight, lack of knowledge, lack of self-control, etc. We need to own up to the fact that our actions and words do affect others, even if that was never our intention.
At this pivotal moment in Joe's life, he needs to accept that life's circumstances, and yes, his choices have led to pain for some of the people he loves. I think it is unhealthy to encourage him to shift the blame to others who had and have no way to change the absolutes (Joe wants to live an authentic life as a gay man. Joe's wife and children are grieving.) of the situation.
Joe, acknowledge that choices made with love and good intentions when you decided to marry and have children did not turn out as well as you'd hoped, acknowledge that there are many, many good things about you as a person. Time will heal all, and a new normal will emerge for those in pain.
They still love you and that's the important thing!
I am wishing you much strength and endurance, but hoping they won't be so necessary...
the worst is over
it is with the ones we love the most we can be the most angry.
You're doing the right thing, always remind them that no matter how angry or hateful things that are done or said, you love them. Our lives here are too short to stay angry for long. I think reassuring your kids now is the most important thing you can do for them...
Further "outings" will bring more anxiety and pain and even confusion, so I think you should let this one settle down with your family first. There's no rush to announce your orientation to the world, so if you must, be very very selective. Hang in there and remember to love.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Joe.
There's been much that is good said already, Joe.
I knew my mother was dying for a year before her "sudden" heart attack. I was not surprised when I got the call that she died - but I still was in shock. I imagine you, your wife and kids are in the same boat.
Knowing something is true, knowing something will happen, and actually having to act based on that knowledge and/or event are vastly different things. We think if we know something, we can handle or endure it. It ain't the same thing.
And yes, while you and your wife entered into your marriage equally, you knew something she didn't know - although you had every intention of honoring your marriage. Life changes, people change - and what was once tenable becomes completely untenable, over time.
It's at times of great emotion and great loss that I'm tempted to think "what program?" and "God who?" Find your strength and your companionship in the people and rooms of recovery. As folks have told me so often, it's easier to not fall out of bed if you're in the middle, instead of out on the edges.
That's what I'm trying to do, anyway.
Remember that being "out of the house" does NOT mean "out of their lives." Imagine one of those Calder mobiles - various-shaped weights hanging from wires and crossbars. Then imagine suddenly cutting off one of the big weights. The whole structure gyrates wildly, swinging this way and that. It spins around, wobbles to and fro. There is no balance, no rhyme or reason to the motion.
Sound vaguely familiar?...
Eventually, it finds a new equilibrium - a place of rest and balance. It is not the same place; it is a different balance. But it will come - for the mobile, and for you, too.
It's just hard to imagine it when everything is in wild, seemingly uncontrolled motion. And it almost always takes longer than we think.
As for "coming out," it is an ongoing process. In every encounter, we "come out" in different ways, and to different degrees. There is a vast difference between "coming out" and "exploding out.
Praying for a modicum of serenity and peace for you brother - may knowledge and acceptance of God's love for you surround you like a cool breeze on a hot summer day...
Post a Comment