Friday, December 08, 2006

The Twilight Zone

Time marches on. And so do the events of my life, leading toward the closet door -- opening outward, that is. It seems that the opportunity of a job transfer to a nearby town is a real possibility. Nothing definite, but things are looking gracefully good. I'm not counting any chickens, yet, but I am doing what I can to help it happen.

My part in this opportunity is to update resume' and the "industry deployment form" that is used for my "company." It is, of course, a rather outdated version of computer dating. A real booger of a program that is NOT user friendly. Ah, the wonders of the not-for-profit world.

My wife is being more supportive and helpful than I could ever have hoped or imagined. She did career counseling for a time, and she's quite good with resume' writing. So, here she is, helping me prepare the tools so I can leave her. And, she is doing it with such grace and kindness. What a woman! I am so thankful for her, really.

This is all so much like life in the Twilight Zone! [Cue eerie music - enter Rod Serling]. It is hard for me to fathom that all this is really happening. Even though there is a big part of me that rejoices in the prospect of being able to live the truth of who I am, there is still a huge draw to returning to the "normalcy" of what was. It sure looked good, even though it was killing me on the inside.

Of course, even when the move comes (sooner or later) I will have to remain a bit "closeted." I cannot come out in the open completely because of the job. So what if someone flat-out asks me, "Well, are you gay?" I'm not sure how I will dodge the question. God knows, I don't want to. But I will probably have to find some innocuous enough answer that will hearken back to "don't ask, don't tell." You know, it wasn't the Clinton administration that thought that up, it was the Church - centuries ago!

Now we plunge toward Christmas. Happy Holidays, everyone! Arrrggghhh. Christmas has always been a difficult holiday for me; last year was better than most. And, this year feels rather good, so far. Except for the fact that I know it will be my last one with my family in its present configuration.

What will the future be like? Sticking to the present seems a better tack, right now. Preparing as I can, but living as I am.

Cheers, dears. Posted by Picasa


Ross said...

Merry Christmas!

It sounds like a rather cheap greeting from someone whom you have never met, but it is a heartfelt expression. I hope that you can enjoy your Christmas, if for no other reason, that you are more genuinely yourself than you have been in Christmases past.

It also sound like you get to save your relationship with your family, even though that relationship will change. Give thanks to both God and to them this Christmas.

john said...

Good luck!! I'm crossing my fingers for you.
Happy holidays too, if I don't get to tell you later.

Michael said...

I have always thought that the best answer to the "Are you gay question?" was the one given by Boy George years ago -- "I'm quite content." (Or so I remember it. That was the gist anyway.)

Or one could say, "Thanks for the interest, but you're not my type." (Maybe this won't work at work...)

Miss Manners would probably suggest saying, "What an odd question!" and then politely going on as if it had not been asked.

Or one could look puzzled and ask the person, very sincerely and simply, "Why do you ask?" Whatever they say back to you, you respond, "And why would that make you think I'm gay?" and so on. Just throw the question back on them, why they want to know, why would knowing that be important to them, and so on. If they try to stop playing the game, you can finish it up with, "Interesting. I'll have to think about some of that when I have a chance." Smile, shake their hand firmly and turn to the next person in line.

Or if you don't want to shake hands, trace a cross over them. It seems to work for the Pope.

Not to imply anything...

Gay Spirituality & Culture said...

best wishes with your move (if it happens) ... and happy christmas and bridge of light

p.s.: added your blog to the GS&C blogroll :)

Ur-spo said...

merry christmas to you my friend!
being in the twilight zone may be like being in a transition zone - which is not a bad place to be if you can be patient not to get out into something more solid.
Hang in there.

A Troll At Sea said...

BearMinded Joe:

I wish you all the joy that comes in recognizing the inbreaking of the unknown future in events too small to be seen by the outside world.

May each step of the way be full of blessing.

Brace yourself for more than understanding from that wonderful woman at some point. I have seen a number of reactions over the last year, and some of them I do not wish you.

But we have always depended on their kindness and understanding, have we not? and where does that leave us now?

Well, some things are just imponderable.

Hang in there,

rather tipsy

Derek said...

you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!