Monday, May 29, 2006

A little lonely

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child
A long ways from home
A long ways from home
True believer
A long ways from home
A long ways from home

A counselor friend of mine told me, "Nothing is more traumatic for a gay man than the death of his mother." He didn't share his source, nor did I ask. Anyone have information on that one?

I know that we do tend to be very close to our mothers, and I was to mine for many years. And it is true that my desire to come out strengthened greatly after her death. I wonder why?

My mother is one who was always loving, accepting, understand. If she "knew" I was gay, she never said. Maybe she only suspected, or maybe not even that. I never had the chance to tell her, though I always felt she would understand (at some level) and still love me and welcome me home.

My father, on the other hand, has always shown strong signs of all kinds of bigotry, chauvinism, racism, you-name-it-isms. I always felt from him that I was never masculine enough, never good enough. Now, he has mellowed considerably in his old age (early 80's), and some of his opinions seem to have moderated.

Perhaps someday, I think, maybe, I could tell him. Maybe. His wife I believe would be understanding. (He's on wife number 3, and the best one he's found yet. She's loving, fun, understanding, just a great gal. And, she is much closer to my age than to his. Except for her taste in husbands, I can't fault the women).

I would have thought that the idea of coming out would have been more acceptable to me after my father's death, not after my mother's. It seems bassackwards to me, but then, often I go about things that way.

Now I am beginning to feel like that motherless child: no where to turn, no place to go, alone. I guess it's just this process. The thought of leaving what security I've got. The possibilities of poverty, loneliness, and darkness.

Guess today is sort of a tough one for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. At least it will be another day. Thanks, Miss Scarlet.

Cheers, Joe.


A Troll At Sea said...

What I get to hear is, "How could even contemplate doing this to your mother at her age?"
Well, I think she would understand.
And I am sure my father knew.
Hang in there.

Gel said...

What a beautiful post. You write of how you feel without ever sounding sorry for yourself. Maybe you'll never tell your father, but I believe your mother knows. Mother's are easier to tell things to in one way, because they love you anyway. I think fathers do too, underneath all the layers they have to show to the world, they love us anyway too.

CanEragon said...

True, nothing is worse than a gay man loosing his mother. Unless she walks away and shuns you from family knowing she made that decision before God and His heaven.

Then the day before your first wedding anniversary she appears to you in a vision 2000 miles from home to tell you that she is dying and deep down you know that this vision is REAL!!

And nothing is worse than knowing that to call and confirm the death would only make things worse, so you troll the obituaries for weeks prior and after with no clear answers, but if memory serves, your mother told you that you would not be notified in case of a death, nor would it be reported there.

Try mourning a woman, who dies in spirit before she dies mortally knowing the truth, when she finds out you are queer and POZ. Nothing is worse than a mother who walks away from her son or daughter, just because they are "different!"

Mourning the living is worse than mourning the dead.

How do you mourn a living being, without loosing ones sanity and faith in a God of ones understanding as you ask the heavens, "WTF?"

Mothers are strange birds...

I have mother you see!!

bear said...

I think it must be harder to mourn your mother if she, for some reason "walks away." I can't imagine how terrible that must feel. I think you can always tell her you love her and work to change her, mothers if anyone would eventually have a change of heart maybe? (I'm being optimistic.)

Dads: After I had been "out" and living with my partner for many years, my siblings have all agreed not to bother telling Dad, just didn't seem worth it, also because he's too hardheaded and set in his ways to "get it" we figured. Still love him though, it wasn't anywhere close to the love I had for my mother for some reason though...she was much more sensitive to our emotions. Her death was devastating to me.
Although, I like to think she never really left me though, she is a part of who I am, I can remember things we would do together, and sometimes I do those things and it makes me happy to remember her.
You may be alone, but deep inside, we are full of so many people who influenced us and memories of those we loved, living and carrying on with them and in a way for them too, to live and be happy.

Spencer said...

What a beautiful post.

MEK the Bear said...

My mother (and father for that matter) and I walked away from each other. It's a long sad story but we call each other on holiday's and talk about the weather. Never deeper, never with love, only obligation. But I've come to terms with the fact that my parents upbringing in the isolated hills of Kentucky didn't allow for the real world to enter their lives. The don't know any better, and so we've made peace with our mutual indifferences. Yet, still there's a piece of me that hopes, futily perhaps, that one day I'll be welcomed home with open hearts as well as open arms.

MEK the Bear said...

Sorry, my point, that I lost along the way, was that I mourn my mother every time I talk to her. Beautifully stated post, made me think a lot about this (obviously!)

angel, jr. said...

Good post!

john said...

I hope tomorrow will get better for you.
I hope it gets better for all of us.

The_Gay_Dude said...

When I was like 10.....I secretly told myself that I wouldn't come out till my Mother died.....and then she unexpectedly died when I was 14......and I came out when I was 15. And no matter how many years go by.....I still miss her....kinda wish I had been a lil more careful as to what I'd wished for!

Derek said...

I'm a photographer, and I dreamed the other day that I was trying to take a picture of my mom, I'd get her in the perfect pose, and when I would go to shoot it, the camera would go out of focus, I'd try to focus it, and right when I'd almost have her perfect in my lens the focus would mess up again, then all of a sudden she just disappeared from focus, not even there. It almost left me in tears. Then I woke up. Boy this entry hit me good. I sure love my mom, she's great. It's hard to think she won't always be here.

Mark said...

I'm fortunate to still have my mom but the thought has crossed my mind more than once about whether I'll be able to hold it all together when she's gone.

I was able to come out to her. I did ... twice. Once at 17 and much later on at 47 when my former wife and I explained why, after 27 years of marriage, we were getting a divorce. She handled it much better the second time around than the first. I guess that's what you call long preparation.

Just this past weekend my partner and I drove up and spent the weekend with her. It was the first time she'd met him. She was wonderfully warm and welcoming, giving him a big hug when we first arrived and constantly joking with him and making him feel at home all weekend long.

I'm very lucky in that.

Joel said...

My mom died when I was 21.

Because she was drinking, I had already started to mourn her before she died.

I had told my shrink that to me my mom was dead, but she came to visit me from time to time.

I cried when she died, but after that, it was back to normal. I do miss her, don't get me wrong. We were great friends when she was sober.

And I was a good parent when she was drunk.

I wish she were still here.