Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Sometimes I feel like I am sinking. This past week the depression has set in, and motivating myself has become difficult. It's like slogging through mud. Either I lift my feet up out of the muck for the next step or just drag them along. One way or the other, it takes a lot of effort.

I have these competing emotions/feelings/thoughts of being very close to my wife, closer than we've been in a long time. Honesty will do that. Truly it is the best policy. But then I sometimes feel farther from her than ever before. Am I afraid of getting too close? I know I am afraid of hurting her, but I can honestly see how I am trying to keep from hurting me, too.

It has been nearly three months since we had our first talk, my final coming out conversation with her. Counselor has suggested we each (separately) devise a timetable of concrete steps for the next few weeks. And that was at least three weeks ago. He had to cancel the next appointment and we have neglected to make a new one.

And of course I have neglected to do any thinking concretely. . . . about anything.

Onward, upward, outward.

Cheers, Joe.


Brian said...

I've found the same thing recently, Joe. She and I don't talk much, not about the important things, we never have. It's just not part of her culture. But we work at being kind to one another and to keeping the family functioning until the split comes.

Sometimes, though, when planning for my future away from this life, I get frightened into inertia, like a deer in headlights, and it's so difficult to fight.

I don't have any answers. Just. I know.

A Troll At Sea said...

Hang in there.
More garbage due on Monday.

gratefulbear said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Joe.

nonsequitur said...

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this difficult chapter in your life. The journey toward the light at the end of the tunnel is almost never easy, but it will be worth the trip.

Yes, there is the fear of losing security, and the fear of badly hurting those who you love most. Just remember that being honest with yourself now is far gentler than if you'd stayed silent. I've seen so many gay/bi men who marry under the auspices of being straight, and they attempt to stay in the closet... the whole time becoming more and more frustrated, taking their frustration, fear, and anger out on their family. Trust me, it is WAY better that you've been brave enough to be truthful with yourself and with your wife.

As far as depression goes...this may not be right for everyone, but I'll tell you what has worked for me. Staying active (long walks, hikes, anything that gets you out and moving), installing full-spectrum day-light bulbs in the house (my depression is largely seasonal, this especially helps during winter), eating healthy, and staying connected with friends (other gay men who may have been or are currently going through what you are experiencing now). I've also found that a combination of lecithin, ginseng, and gingko biloba helps to take the edge off too. Some people also find that St. John's Wort helps. Naturally, you'd want to discuss supplements like these with your doctor, but they may help.

Again, I wish you the best of luck. I'm pulling for ya ;-).

Nate said...

Slogging - love the description. After a wildly manic period at work, it feels like working in slow motion. It may be the first time I have understood depression in the first person.

I understand the closeness created by the honesty and currently am in an upswing but fear it is Drew's rollercoaster and just waiting for the crest and the fall.

Hang in there - will be thinking of you

MEK the Bear said...

First thanks for your words of encouragement for what I'm going through. I appreciate your words more than you could now, especially since you took the time to give it a little hope when you're going through a difficult time yourself.

I wish you all the best in your journey, and for all it's worth, I think you really did make the right decision, never doubt that for a minute.

You may have hurt your wife in the process but really, you've given her, and yourself, a gift. The opportunity for both of you to find the love you deserve to have in your life! It's a beautiful thing to be able to accept yourself for who you are.

Darius said...

"This too shall pass" - sorry to offer such a platitude, and yet however it's phrased, it seems to constitute a huge percentage of all wisdom and applies to most troubles.

Moncrief Speaks said...

Good luck to you. Interesting, courageous blog you have here.

Anonymous said...

Could be you're gieving. Understandable.