Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Waiting


Waiting. It is the time of year for that. For Christians celebrating the season of Advent, we prepare and wait for the Second Coming of Christ (as we prepare to remember his birth).
And I guess we’re all waiting to see what gifts we will receive, whether from “Santa” or whomever. Many, of course, are simply waiting for it all to be over.

I always think of the end of the year like the end of a semester, even though I haven’t been in any kind of school for many years. It will all be done, and there is nothing to do till it all starts back in January. Planning ahead is not a strong suit of mine. I simply wait to see what will turn up.

Living for the moment and in the moment has its benefits and its shadow-side. In my head I know the best way to be spontaneous is to have all your bases covered. But I keep forgetting where I put the bases. Which game is this? Do I run now? What?

What am I waiting for? What do I expect, what do I want. How do I see my life in a year, or five years? Do I have a plan? I’m not sure I have a clue!

The big wait for me is the wait for coming out. Coming out to others, to family, perhaps friends. Being able to be more myself on this journey than I ever have before. But it is scary; I am scared. I fear hurting the ones I love and confusing them beyond explanation. They will see and not see; hear and not hear; comprehend but not understand.

All too often I wait for something to fall from the sky or appearing in a dream that will tell me “how” to do this. Better yet, maybe something can appear in everyone else’s dreams and tell them for me. No such luck, I suppose.

I wait. This is so schizoid! So far it feels like the best Christmas yet. I feel like a self I’ve never felt like before, and yet it feels more like what I think the real me feels like. And yet there is this sword of Damocles hanging over me of “telling them all.”

Waiting, living with joy and dread. O Come, O Come Emmanuel. I believe that God can work this out, will work this through, must work this miracle. In me. In those I love. In those with whom I work. With the organization for whom I work.

All this said, I still feel a sense of joy for this Christmas coming. I want to cherish it, cherish those I love and who love me.

I am very grateful for you all, the mysterious bunch of folk, known and unknown whose lives I have been able to enter through your blogs, and who have entered mine. This has been a wonderful gift. I have enjoyed the comments, advice, prayers, and the pictures! Here’s praying for blessings, peace, and cheer . . . . . as we wait.

Cheers, Joe.

4 comments:

Ian said...

Dear Joe,

Your anguish is palpable. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could offer you some pearl of wisdom that would provide some "comfort and joy" but alas your circumstances are such that I am at a loss for words, meaningful words that is. Mere verbage comes fairly easily. But you don't need empty words, you need words of consolation and peace and those I can't give you. I am simply too confused, too myopic, too frail a creature to offer anything beyond my genuine concern.

Ian

Mind the Bear said...

Ian, concern is a welcome thing, and prayers or thoughts or whatever may be appropriate from your stance.

As with roller coasters or Halloween, there is terror and fright to go with exhilaration and relief!

And so, we wait . . . .

Cheers, Joe.

walking, not falling said...

your speaking about dread had resonance for me......contemplating the future with dread is a habit of mine....but as someone who believes creation is a constantly unfolding process and that God is good....there is always hope for better days. hugs, prayers, and other good stuff,

b.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

In some ways I am in the same boat as you. I am a seminary student working on my masters in theological studies but lately I ahve come to accept that I am gay. So I am left wondering, do I come out or not. Do I need to? I have come to meet other gay Christians in my area so at least I can be "gay" with them and talk about the issues that arise being gay in the Church. At the moment I doubt I will be comfortable living the gay lifestyle (dating and such) but at least I am finally comfortable knowing and accepting my gayness.

You can email me and we can write each other since I am not so comfortable putting too much info about my gayness out there in cyber-space for my classmates and professors to find. My email is: semstu @ yahoo . com (just delete the spaces).