Monday, December 05, 2005

Dodging Potholes


Reading in different blogs about all the hullabaloo in the Roman Catholic Church over homosexuality in candidates for the priesthood, I start feeling paranoid . . . again.

The words about “deep seated tendencies,” “transitory experiences,” and all the other language in the Vatican’s document got me worried that I am making a mistake by coming out. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am sick, maybe it is some unnatural thing and I shouldn’t be who I am. Shame, feeling of inadequacy, I’ll never get it right, I’ll never be good enough . . . . .

A wave of fear began to sweep over me, again. The sense of on-going struggle to try to be someone else. But I’m not falling for it this time [he said to himself, confidently]. Many times before, I have fallen for it. I have used that lame reasoning to keep myself in, to keep from hurting anyone else, to keep the door shut, not just for others but for myself, as well [he said, trying to sound confident, but alas, there is a wavering in his voice].

All these arguments have been made before. It’s nothing new. But there is just enough convincing sounding language that it will be very easy for folk to fall into that trap again. Please God, help me keep my eyes open, my heart strong, and my head upright.

3 comments:

Steve F. said...

God help me, but I am right there with you, brother. That's why so much of the posting on the topic just infuriates me.

But that door is closed for me, for good. I am what I am - regardless how the Catholic (or any other) church feels about me. They aren't my final judge, anyway.

Tom Scharbach said...

When you've completed the journey out of the closet, the fear you are experiencing will disappear, because you will know that the "sick" tag is what is sick.

Michael said...

Okay, the truth will set you free, but it hurts like hell first. Lies, on the other hand, not only keep you enslaved but hurt like hell all the time without end. Keep walking towards the truth of yourself. I promise you will find Christ dwelling there in your center, waiting with an embrace.