Monday, December 05, 2005
Reading in different blogs about all the hullabaloo in the Roman Catholic Church over homosexuality in candidates for the priesthood, I start feeling paranoid . . . again.
The words about “deep seated tendencies,” “transitory experiences,” and all the other language in the Vatican’s document got me worried that I am making a mistake by coming out. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am sick, maybe it is some unnatural thing and I shouldn’t be who I am. Shame, feeling of inadequacy, I’ll never get it right, I’ll never be good enough . . . . .
A wave of fear began to sweep over me, again. The sense of on-going struggle to try to be someone else. But I’m not falling for it this time [he said to himself, confidently]. Many times before, I have fallen for it. I have used that lame reasoning to keep myself in, to keep from hurting anyone else, to keep the door shut, not just for others but for myself, as well [he said, trying to sound confident, but alas, there is a wavering in his voice].
All these arguments have been made before. It’s nothing new. But there is just enough convincing sounding language that it will be very easy for folk to fall into that trap again. Please God, help me keep my eyes open, my heart strong, and my head upright.
at 2:45 PM