Restless

It is tough going to work.  And ain't it a shame how this work stuff gets in the way of life!  Can't they just send me the check each week?  Oh, yeah, the pay check.  Well, I guess that is a reason to go to work.  OK, if I must.  And, yeah, I guess I must.

Being in such an odd profession, time off to "recharge the batteries" is important.  I know, you wish you could have it too, right?  Well, coming form retreat tome back into work time, right into a board meeting was a big mistake.  I sort-of "grumped out."  Not good.  It wasn't terrible, but I should have taken some more transition time.  (Or, I should have just run away while I had the chance).

Now I'm feeling a bit restless.  Just a shade unsettled.  It's my day off, and I'm in my office.  There were some personal things I needed to get done here.  But I ended up doing a wealth of other work-related things too.  I ain't too bright, I know.

But maybe it's some other condition of restlessness or frustration or something . . . . .

I'll try to behave myself.
Well, probably mostly. And definitely safely, if anything.

Noisy, Public Sex

We are having a veritable heat wave!  Went well into the 60's today.  Glorious!  And, after some rough winter, you know what that brings out . . . .

The damn frogs!  My housemates have a lovely, good-sized pond in the front yard.  Now, at this moment, as I write this, there must be fifty frogs who have shown up, (seemingly out of nowhere) have loud sex.  The water will be clouded with semen before long.  Ugh.

Not that I'm opposed to loud, public displays of semen, but really. . . . .

Odd Bear in Silence

I'm still away from home, spending time in silence.  It's odd that I might enjoy this.  I'm very much gifted (or afflicted) [or both] with the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  I've not been too extreme in the hyperactivity part, but there have been evidences of that.  I just don't sit still that long, that well.

Except, or course, when I do.  There is something about contemplation that just gets to me.  Why on earth would this be something I could do:  sit.  In silence.  Still. (somewhat) focused.  For thirty minutes.  Yes.  Me.

Sparse, but comfortable

It is very strange to me.  And it feeds my soul.

On my trip down, a friend invited me to stay over.  It wasn't that far along my way, only about 30 miles, but it was a start, and a chance to visit, have supper, etc.  We had a great time.  Lots of etc., too.  That's another thing about me that seems strange.  I so very enjoyed the etc., and I'm so very much enjoying my time in silence.  I suppose it could be a sign of some sort of a maturity that the sacred and sexual parts of my life seem to blend, to meld, to work together, and not at odds.  It just seems like the most natural thing.

I'm odd that way.  Maybe, not so odd.

Into Silence

OK, so, I'm in this strange kind of job, you know?  Really.  It's just different from what most people do.  Unexpected for a gay man, who's been divorced.  Just not what you'd think.

And, it can be a very draining profession.  Dealing with a many needs, on many levels, in many ways; and there is seldom a dull moment.  Long days; sometimes long nights; always weekends.  So, every now and then, one has to get away.  Way away (sort of).

Having no money, there are some resources upon which I may draw for away time that is work related.  No, it's not a convention in Las Vegas.  It's a retreat.  A real retreat; an old-fashioned retreat. 

Silence.

I'm leaving today for about 3 days of silence with a bunch of folk who live in community, and don't talk.  Meals, prayers, silence.  right now, it sounds like heaven to me!  I am really excited.

On the way, I'll stop over for a night with a friend.  That part of the trip won't be silent.  But there may be parts of it where I will be unable to talk.

A film maker did a documentary on a group of silent folk called Into Great Silence.  I recommend it.  I'll be with Trappists, though, not Carthusians, if you care to know!

I will be writing some but not sure if I'll have Internet connection.  Maybe I'll post something if so inclined.  No TV, no chatting, no noise.  Long walks, some books to read.  Silence.

I am so gonna love this.

Gleeful

I have to admit that I've never watched Glee.  Until Saturday night.  The Oxygen network was having a night of back-to-back episodes of Glee.

Some of it is really over the top, corny, just-too-much.  But as a gay man who loves music, dance, and theater, what can I say.  But, I was so impressed with the wonderful way it addressed being gay, being bullied, being accepted, being supported.  I know; it's television, not real life.

I've just seen part of three episodes.  And I cried. (Don't I always!)  Does it really happen that way?  No.  Television has little relationship to reality, even though we think it should (?) just because it looks like "reality." But maybe it shapes a few people.  Maybe it will make a difference.

In one episode, the bully is (finally) confronted by the gay kid. (I can't remember all the characters names).  The big, mean, football player bully is shocked at being confronted.  He's caught off guard.  His true colors emerge, but only for a second.  The big, beefy football player leans over and kisses the gay kid.  OMG.  It's not just the twinky femme guy, but maybe the beefy footballer, too?

Too simple, too TV? Maybe.  But when we see it as art, as theater, as story, maybe it can tell us something else.  Isn't that why we like plays, and art, and literature?  Stories can tell us the Truth in ways we would not otherwise get it.  As Picasso said, "Art is the lie that tells us the truth."  I hope someone will get some truth from it.

Up to my ears

The last few weeks have been as hectic as I can remember.  And, I'm not firing on all cylinders.  Winter blues and workplace blues have set in, and that's made the demands of the week even tougher.  But, I abide, and we move through it.

The last two weekends have been taken up with work stuff.  And, there have been some emotionally trying, draining moments.  One was losing a colleague whom I wish I'd gotten to know better.  Too late now.

It leads me to think on how I keep myself so distant from folk.  The walls are still there.  And, I'm not sure how to "be" around straight people - mainly straight men.  I've kept myself at a distance from most men, over the years, because I was afraid someone would figure me out.  And I hadn't quite figured me out yet.  Silly.

It will take time, practice, patience, etc.  Ugh.

Of course, I'd like to get to know more gay men, too.  Mr. Right, where are you?