Sunday, September 26, 2010

Merrily we roll along

It is emblematic of my week that I've neither posted nor read many other blogs.  It's just been like that!

Long days.  Long evenings.  A few nights without a lot of sleep.  I'm not sure why, I just couldn't sleep.  So, part of one day had to make up for that.  Ugh.

But life is good, on the whole.  Much busy-ness, but good stuff.  Nothing "over-the-top" good or bad.  Just rolling along.  Eldest has job; youngest in school (and the roommate issues worked out).  So, it's good.

Linville Falls
The religious non-profit for whom ('with whom') I work is hitting the financial downturn in a big way.  Nothing catastrophic, mind you, just 'tough'.  I may have to take salary cut for the new year, but I've seen that that might be coming.  Or, we may have to lay someone off, and that's not a great option.  For lots of reasons, particularly some political ones.  Don't you just hate politics in the work place?  Ugh.  But that's what's real.  We navigate carefully, slowly, gently through it all.  My time here may be beginning to end.  That's not too bad a thing, but there is the question of what next.  And I've been pondering that for a while.

Things in my organization seldom (if ever) move quickly.  So it may be a few years.  I know, in the business world you thing about things happening in days, weeks, or months.  Big corporations open new outlets only to close them in a few months because something changes at corporate.  Hah!  We take years, decades, centuries (it seems).
Glacial pace (global warming notwithstanding).

It gives one time to think.  And pray.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Alright Ok

Yes.  I'm alright and OK.  But  busy!  And, I've started a new discipline.  Ugh, yes, I said the word, discipline.

I'm not a disciplined sort of fellow, which may seem odd to some, given my profession and the discipline which I've undertaken.  Praying.

Along the Blue Ridge
Every weekday morning, a few folk (3 to 6 or so) gather for prayer and meditation.  The place is called Servanthood House.  A few programs, meetings, etc., go on there from time to time, as well as a counseling center that uses some of the rooms as offices, a sabbath circle gathering for a meal and worship on Fridays, and this group that gathers weekdays at 8 am.

There is little format or no formality, really, just silence.  Some read, some journal, some (like me) sit in silence.  I'm trying to practice Centering Prayer (which takes far more practice that you'd think), but not sure how well it's "working."  But "working" isn't what I'm there for.

There has been such craziness in my life of late, I have been closer to the edge than I want to be.  But I cannot control any of it.  It seems I'm going to be owing thousands to the IRS.  I already owe a lot to credit cards for expenses that had to be paid for my children.  With alimony, etc., I'm down to not much.  (Look, I'm not whining here, just reporting).  There has been a lot to do at work, and I've not handled that all so well.  I've been lonely, trying to date some and not so sure how that's working out.

So much that I cannot control.  But then, I wondered, "What is it I can do something about."  You know the serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've spent so much energy, time, spirit, worry on things I cannot change.  Finally, I've garnered a wee bit of wisdom to know what I can do something about.  But, it won't change my finances or work load.  But at least I'll go off to debtors prison with a most serene spirit.  Well, that's something, ain't it?

Too long have I been avoiding God.  Too long made excuses.  I'll just do it.  What could it hurt.

There have been no astonishing revelations or huge spiritual awakenings, but there have been good feelings, a calmer spirit, a more settled me.  And for that, I am very thankful.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

A Date with Elk

Elk are big.  Really big.

On Monday, I went with a friend to Cataloochee, part of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.  Elk once roamed freely there before being wiped out in the late 18th century.  A few years ago they were re-introduced and are now flourishing.  And they're big!

The drive over the mountain to get into Cataloochee is on a steep, winding, gravel road that follows the path of earlier tracks.  Imagining what it was like to cross those mountains on foot or horseback is quite a stretch.  Those early settlers must have been made of very stern stuff.  Even today it seems very remote.

Of course, I forgot my camera.  But I got a few shoots with my cell phone which I'll try to download.

And in other news . . . .

Dating is going slowly.  I think I'm too afraid to let myself feel.  Or maybe the man I've seen a few times just isn't "the one."  His company is quite pleasurable (indeed!).  We have fun.  But, I seem to be the kind of guy who just does not make room easily for another person.  I don't think to call, to plan ahead, to do thoughtful things.  I live in the moment in such a way that I don't see beyond the end of my nose.

Plus work and other crises seem to keep getting in the way.  There is a lot of fear running loose in me.  Again.  But I'm working on it.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Shaken, not stirred

Since we last left our hero (me) the world has turned upside down.  Well, my world has.

Call from my accountant:  I owe the IRS thousands and thousands.  Yes.

So, my finances were supposed to change in September with a big decrease in alimony.  But now that must all go to the Government.  No moving to housing of my own.  Possibilities of paying rent for myself are dashed.  C & S are stuck with me a little longer (and they continue to be so very gracious).

Call from genetic off-spring, her new (used) car has died.  Ends up it a catastrophic engine failure.  Over-heated, bent, warped, cracked,  dead.

Good news!  It's all Honda's fault: they will replace engine, extend warranty, we're back on the road (soon).

And that was just the weekend.

But I am not beaten.  Weighed down, but not crushed.