A week since a post! egad!
Supposedly, I am on "vacation." But not having left town, the emergency situations have been piling on. And, there has been work at the home of C&S, where I reside. Bathroom renovations: painting, new light fixture (which will not cooperate), new flooring, etc. Work and work. I need to help with the second coat today.
Deaths, crises, etc. have kept me hopping. Next time, I'll leave town. But who wants to do that by one's self? It is loneliness and isolation that bring on the darkness. And, in work with my counselor-spiritual director (and he is the best!) I've discovered (re-discovered) how I keep waiting. Waiting for something. Something from the outside, some external force, person, or situation to pull me out, to decide for me, to tell me the next move. I want and external force or being to push or pull me into the next place, the next level, the next . . . . . whatever.
Not fair to me. Not fair to them. I can do better. I am doing better. Back in January, that sense of trust and that force of self brought me out of the closet at my place of work. Over the last five+ years, I have seen (without seeing) and known (without knowing) that I must come out, or die 9either inwardly or otherwise). I must become true to myself, to the One who crated me, to those around me, or continue the slow-motion-suicide-of-the-soul that was pulling me into an abyss. I can. I am. I will.
But we must sometimes learn lessons over and over and over again. Not because we are 'slow' or stupid or not-very-clever, but because those lessons are of such breadth and depth and height that they cannot be learnt all at once. It's the journey. And each step, each place, each learning, every revealing is itself the destination. "All the way to heaven is heaven," as saith Catherine of Sienna.
Ugh. When I get wound up, I just start writing. I should edit most of this out. But not now.
and in other news . . . .
I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've made some good friends. Good friends. Two in particular who are local, and very, very nice. With one, I feel a wee bit of a spark. Is it that? Or what. With another, I feel a pleasant comfortableness. Which is what is whom? I want to tread carefully. But I don't want to wait on some external something (see above, paragraphs 3 & 4). I am trying to move slowly. But not even sure how to do that. I'm also trying not to over-think it all. I'm coming to realize that emotive one that I am, I still live in my head all too much, or all too often. And fear often leads one into one's head.
I've over written all this. But there it is. Certainly there are sexier things to write about, but those things are easier to figure out. I am not.