Supposedly, I am on "vacation." But not having left town, the emergency situations have been piling on. And, there has been work at the home of C&S, where I reside. Bathroom renovations: painting, new light fixture (which will not cooperate), new flooring, etc. Work and work. I need to help with the second coat today.
Deaths, crises, etc. have kept me hopping. Next time, I'll leave town. But who wants to do that by one's self? It is loneliness and isolation that bring on the darkness. And, in work with my counselor-spiritual director (and he is the best!) I've discovered (re-discovered) how I keep waiting. Waiting for something. Something from the outside, some external force, person, or situation to pull me out, to decide for me, to tell me the next move. I want and external force or being to push or pull me into the next place, the next level, the next . . . . . whatever.Not fair to me. Not fair to them. I can do better. I am doing better. Back in January, that sense of trust and that force of self brought me out of the closet at my place of work. Over the last five+ years, I have seen (without seeing) and known (without knowing) that I must come out, or die 9either inwardly or otherwise). I must become true to myself, to the One who crated me, to those around me, or continue the slow-motion-suicide-of-the-soul that was pulling me into an abyss. I can. I am. I will.
But we must sometimes learn lessons over and over and over again. Not because we are 'slow' or stupid or not-very-clever, but because those lessons are of such breadth and depth and height that they cannot be learnt all at once. It's the journey. And each step, each place, each learning, every revealing is itself the destination. "All the way to heaven is heaven," as saith Catherine of Sienna.
Ugh. When I get wound up, I just start writing. I should edit most of this out. But not now.
and in other news . . . .
I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've made some good friends. Good friends. Two in particular who are local, and very, very nice. With one, I feel a wee bit of a spark. Is it that? Or what. With another, I feel a pleasant comfortableness. Which is what is whom? I want to tread carefully. But I don't want to wait on some external something (see above, paragraphs 3 & 4). I am trying to move slowly. But not even sure how to do that. I'm also trying not to over-think it all. I'm coming to realize that emotive one that I am, I still live in my head all too much, or all too often. And fear often leads one into one's head.
I've over written all this. But there it is. Certainly there are sexier things to write about, but those things are easier to figure out. I am not.
7 comments:
You are looking for clarity where it doesn't exist. We ALL want clarity, especially when there is fear. The fear does not leave until AFTER you take the step past it. Through is the only way. You will make mistakes, but they don't hurt nearly as much as "if only." We regret most what we have not done.
You might try what I do: fake it. Act like someone else who is not worried or fearful. It actually works for me. Keep on truckin', sweetie. You're worth it.
If you read my brilliant book (cough, cough!) Elijah and the Ravens of Carith, you may recall the story about Mother Teresa of Calcutta, who once refused a request for prayers for clarity for a priest seeking direction in his life. "No," she said. "Clarity is what you are clinging to, and clarity is what you must let go."
"But," he sputtered, "you always seem to have clarity about what you are doing!"
"No, I never had clarity. What I have is trust. So I will pray that you have trust."
And that, my friend, will be my prayer for you.
Sorry to hear your vacation got messed up!
I can feel for you on your search for clarity and also for your escape into your head. Just know that there is someone out there for you. You are a wonderful person and you will find the man of your dreams. In the meantime, it just kind of sucks, though.
Benton Quest (Blogger is not liking me tonight!)
As I read your post, I was caught up in it (as always) for you are often my voice.
Oh, I know those vacations - that are not vacations! Get outta Dodge was the only alternative, but I (like you) was caught in the catch-22 of not having sufficient resources to do so. I was usually ok with real crises, but I would really get pissed when I was called for something that was not.
As for clarity and deliverance, my mind went first to deus ex machina, the old theatrical trick. It's nice to think of such happening, but in life, as in the theatre, it just doesn't work.
But then my mind went to yesterday to sagas of Abram journeying to his future on nothing more than an absurd promise, to part of a letter written by someone unknown that reminds us that "faith is the assurance of things unseen...", and to words that remind us that it is his good pleasure to give us the kingdom.
I needed to hear those things.
And at the risk of being struck by lightening, I can't help but reflect (with a bit of an evil grin) on the wider message of that last one with respect to your search for someone: that the bridegroom comes when least expected. ;)
I heartily suggest you go on a holiday on your own, alone, to something advernturesome and let things happen.
"When I get wound up, I just start writing. I should edit most of this out." Why would you want to do that? Isn't sharing yourself the whole point of blogging? Otherwise we would all just be writing private journals, no?
I like you Joe, and I want to know more about you, but you keep hiding behind layer after layer of veils. When one falls you stress out about it. There's no need for that. Let more fall Joe. Don't be afraid of us.
Didn't you enjoy your last trip to upper NY and other east coast cities by yourself? You can do the similar thing again! Or invite one of your local "good" friends to go along with some more intimate time together! :)
Post a Comment