Thursday, March 27, 2008

The stirfe is not o'er

When have I let things go by this long with no posting? I can't remember. Forgive.

Life has been very stressful, and I have been in the pits. Making it through last week was like slogging knee deep in muck. But I did it. And I am alive.

All that which I have not done, or done wrong seems to haunt me and hang over me to such a degree that all done well evaporates or seems inconsequential. Time off this week has helped me catch up on sleep, but not wellness.

Things seem to be piling up in a way that is suffocating. Ur-Spo's list gives hopeful things on which to focus. And, as my mother always said "Nothing is so good, or bad, that it lasted forever." Today there is life. I am grateful for that.

As Julian of Norwich said "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

I am trying to listen.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Come out!

The gospel lesson this morning was from St. John 11. The story of Jesus raising Lazarus (brother of Mary & Martha) from the grave. And Jesus shouted with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" Come out, indeed.

Come out. Hearing it this morning shocked me, I guess. COME OUT! I had this urge inside me to jump up and shout to everybody. "I'm coming out. I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm one of those." Really, it scared me. How close I came. even just thinking about it. But as I heard those words from the gospel lesson it was as if I was hearing them for me. Come out.

Last night I was really down. Alone and lonely. Having a pity party. I was wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe I should just see if everyone would forget about it and let me go back to "playing it straight."

Even in the midst of my deep sadness about it all, I thought "NO. You have done the right thing. The sadness now is not as bad as that sadness and entrampment you were living in."

Come out. Though it is very painful now and in the foreseeable future, it is the better thing. Living with whatever quiet authenticity I can presently muster is better than the loudest faking.
Even though I'd like to write about my wild and crazy sexual exploits, I don't have time for fiction! And, my journey has taken a decidedly spiritual turn. And this inward focus, though difficult, is the way for me to go. For now.

Come out! Indeed.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Not an Oncoming Train

The haze is clearing, a little bit. the past few weeks have been a time of burdensome busy-ness and spiritual ferment. I am exhausted.

So much is swirling through my mind and spirit. It's seems that a job change or transfer may be sooner rather than later. This is troubling, terrifying, and (a little) freeing, too. I am not in a "good place" to search for a job: from the bottom of a pit. I cannot imagine "marketing" myself right now. "You wouldn't want to hire me, would you?"

Economic downturn is frightening for us all. I work in the non-profit sector where funding depends on contributions, not endowment or sales.

This past weekend was a board retreat for planning, community building, etc. They wanted me to do it. I was a wreck! Gifts I have, but not that! I flailed about and grunted and groaned and sweat, a lot. But things seemed to go OK. We got done what we needed to get done. Then I was off to a "managers retreat" called by the local area manager. It was more time on the road for an overnight stay, but it was relaxing. I didn't have to do anything but be there. Now I want a week or so of doing just that: being.

What changes are on the way? Will I be able to find a job close by (to stay near my daughters), continue to support my family, not cause great controversy, still keep straight friends and colleagues? So many ifs.