Sunday, March 09, 2008

Come out!

The gospel lesson this morning was from St. John 11. The story of Jesus raising Lazarus (brother of Mary & Martha) from the grave. And Jesus shouted with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" Come out, indeed.

Come out. Hearing it this morning shocked me, I guess. COME OUT! I had this urge inside me to jump up and shout to everybody. "I'm coming out. I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm one of those." Really, it scared me. How close I came. even just thinking about it. But as I heard those words from the gospel lesson it was as if I was hearing them for me. Come out.

Last night I was really down. Alone and lonely. Having a pity party. I was wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe I should just see if everyone would forget about it and let me go back to "playing it straight."

Even in the midst of my deep sadness about it all, I thought "NO. You have done the right thing. The sadness now is not as bad as that sadness and entrampment you were living in."

Come out. Though it is very painful now and in the foreseeable future, it is the better thing. Living with whatever quiet authenticity I can presently muster is better than the loudest faking.
Even though I'd like to write about my wild and crazy sexual exploits, I don't have time for fiction! And, my journey has taken a decidedly spiritual turn. And this inward focus, though difficult, is the way for me to go. For now.

Come out! Indeed.

13 comments:

Lemuel said...

It is the better thing.

Michael said...

What Lemuel said, Amen!

At some point you will discover that Jesus has not only called you to come out, but has said to untie you and let you go free. Others will no doubt have a role in the process, but you have done your part. You have come out.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Some times I wonder if I am doing the right thing as well. The answer to that comes in feeling happier and more true to myself. I can't imagine ever going back to the closet, back to the lie. It is actually starting to become a non issue with the people around me, they are more interested in whether I am following the same TV shows as them and not anything about me being gay.

David said...

I think the line that hit me the hardest was at the end of the reading, "Unbind him, and let him go." Not only have I come out, but I've been unbound, let go, given freedom to be the man God made and to be joyful in that.

Not that it's easy. Dear God, but the closet is attractive in its safety and its rules and roles. But some of the time, it just hits me that I really am free. Not because I came out, but because I really heard God saying that I am good and beloved and I am supposed to be gay.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

And remember how Jesus felt at the news of Lazarus' death that he returned and raised him up. Jesus also teaches us: Consider the lilies of the field, see how they grow, the toil not, neither do they spin yet even Soloman in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Jesus goes on to say... that if God clothes simple flowers in such beauty, how much more will God clothe YOU.

We are all blessed children of God.

Stay the course and stay OUT of the pity pot, it is not becoming...

Luv
Jeremy

Ur-spo said...

Come out!
I've seen this bible bit in so many ways - coming out of literal death, spiritual death, and the dead areas of our lives.
coming out is usually a hard process but most things God calls us to do are not fun/easy/safe.

bear said...

Come out indeed. There's no way you can head back to that closet!There's a balance really...you don't have to be waving the gay flag to everyone. Most don't care as much as we think they do. I've noticed that most of my straight friends have resettled to where we were before I outed myself. It's kinda overwhelming when I stop to think about it. It took a year or so, but I think that maybe the uncomforable feeling wasn't them but ME! Plus I didn't give up on them nor did it seem they did to me. I think it's normal that you're gonna have stress when your worlds collide. They will continue to collide really...and over time, somethings get easier. Choose the battles and hang in there!

afod said...

And my what a spiritual discovery to come across your blog this evening. I heard so many things repeated in my head when you blogged about how you reacted to the reading. I recall the reading as well and your experience "put me in the moment."

I hope that you are better after feeling down Saturday night. You indeed "have done the right thing!"

Donald said...

"Though it is very painful now and in the foreseeable future, it is the better thing. Living with whatever quiet authenticity I can presently muster is better than the loudest faking."

Your words apply to many situations we can find ourselves in, both those of us just coming out and those of us in a relationship for years. It is amazing how fearful we can each of us become sometimes at the thought of living the truth of our hearts. I'm finding that the truest words that can be addressed to me in prayer are simply "What do you want?"

Hirsute polyamorous bear said...

Being congruent with one's true self is, in the long run, easier, healthier for you, and ahem, more fun.

Being a massage therapist, I hear it all. Trust me, few are actually living the lives that churches admonish us to live. Regardless of church. Some of the scariest sexual and marital-extracurricular stories come from some of my most conservative clients and those who go to very conservative churches.

God doesn't belong to any one denomination. And I don't think she cares about any physical exploit of ours, to be honest.

Joy is the point. Few churches foster joy, much less happiness. The basic message is certainly joyful, but the words and rules that churches have built around that message are restrictive and life-destructive in most cases. Unwinding onesself from those circuitous, labarynthine rules and finding a way out of the guilt can take a while.

Take heart; a part of you has left a thread to lead you out of the maze. There is sunlight and green grass and wind and stars out there waiting for you. Keep walking and you'll find it :-)

Brian said...

Coming out, oddly enough, is about being straight. Straight with yourself, straight with your loved ones, and straight with God. Being that kind of straight always involves a great deal of pain, for yourself and others, but ultimately is the brave and right thing to do, because it beats lying to all those parties in spades. I've had doubts too, that's natural. But never any regrets, if truth be told. You can't second guess your own integrity.

You're a brave man, my fine young bear.

Dimitry said...

Great job!

Todays blog hit home with me. I often hear something in church that sounds like God's own words addressed to me, suggesting I come out, suggesting I get real and get out of my marriage. 'Hiding your light under a bushel' is the reading that I often recall doing that.

We are with you, and He is with you. So carry on!

JC said...

anyone can be a slut and spread their legs for any Tom Dick or Harry. It takes a heck of alot more integrity to scruples and morals. It also is easier cause you don't have to worry about what you might pick up along the way. This way you will know when Mr right comes along and not mistake him for Mr. RightNow