The gospel lesson this morning was from St. John 11. The story of Jesus raising Lazarus (brother of Mary & Martha) from the grave. And Jesus shouted with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" Come out, indeed.
Come out. Hearing it this morning shocked me, I guess. COME OUT! I had this urge inside me to jump up and shout to everybody. "I'm coming out. I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm one of those." Really, it scared me. How close I came. even just thinking about it. But as I heard those words from the gospel lesson it was as if I was hearing them for me. Come out.
Last night I was really down. Alone and lonely. Having a pity party. I was wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe I should just see if everyone would forget about it and let me go back to "playing it straight."
Even in the midst of my deep sadness about it all, I thought "NO. You have done the right thing. The sadness now is not as bad as that sadness and entrampment you were living in."
Come out. Though it is very painful now and in the foreseeable future, it is the better thing. Living with whatever quiet authenticity I can presently muster is better than the loudest faking.
Even though I'd like to write about my wild and crazy sexual exploits, I don't have time for fiction! And, my journey has taken a decidedly spiritual turn. And this inward focus, though difficult, is the way for me to go. For now.
Come out! Indeed.