Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Winter Sadness

Winter can always be a depressing time. The lack of daylight, the cold weather, gray skies. It has other memories for me which add to the sadness. My closest friend committed suicide 21 years ago. And two other very close friends died in a car crash 19 years ago. Both events within 3 weeks of one another, in terms of the days, even though two years apart.

These were the closest friends I ever had. And still, I miss them terribly.

Now, too, with my "job transfer" not going through and returning to Go (without collecting $200), I am feeling numb. Numb. Just barely awake. Just going through the motions. Trying to stay focused but finding it nearly impossible.

Still we soldier on. I am sustained by foolish hope. Trusting that somehow, God has a hand in all this.

St. Teresa of Avila is said to have prayed, "God, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you don't have very many!" I can relate to that one.

It is hard for me to maintain much sense of good self-esteem. Though my head knows many things, my heart still hears voices of the past. "You shit head. You will never get it right." Voices from others, and voices I have imposed on myself. It's enough to make one want to go out and find some male body to ravage (or be ravage by). Not so much looking for a person, just sex. But that's all another posting.

Friday, January 12, 2007

The Best Laid Plans . . .

My hopes for nearby job transfer have been dashed. They chose someone else for the position. While my ego is not as wounded as I might have thought, it is a blow to plans for separation, etc. that would have "worked" well for dealing with children, others. It would all appear more-or-less normal. They don't need to know everything . . . yet.

But it is not to be. Back to the drawing board, or something.

I need to be off to a working weekend to keep the job I have.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Efficascious Ephiphany

Happy Epiphany, all. This is the feast remembering the arrival of the Wise Men. I'd love for some wise guy to drop by and offer me a gift. . . . . . but I'll just let that be, for now. Give me some time.

And, Happy New Year to one and all, as well. The year past was certainly one of many changes for me, and for my household. This new year comes with many more dramatic changes in store. It is frightening.

On the other hand, there is some excitement in the idea of some new "freedom." But I ache for my family, my wife and children, as to what this will all mean for them/to them. Yes, I know there are many challenges facing me, but I'm too well conditioned to worry about others, first. And, when it comes to my kids, well. . . . . . I don't ever want to hurt them. But the truth is the most honest thing.

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

from the song "All at Once" by the Fray, album How to Save a Life

No Pictures

Bummer. I can't seem to get my non-beta Blogger to do pictures. I push the "add image" button, but nothing works. I've tried turning off my pop-up blocker and it still doesn't work (though I'd already "given permission" for pop-ups on this page.

Used to be, I could post a picture through Picasa. That was a little more of a pain, but I could do it. That doesn't seem to work any more, either.

I am going to try the "help" thing, but I haven't found anything helpful, yet. Any suggestions, guys?

Cheers, Joe.