Winter can always be a depressing time. The lack of daylight, the cold weather, gray skies. It has other memories for me which add to the sadness. My closest friend committed suicide 21 years ago. And two other very close friends died in a car crash 19 years ago. Both events within 3 weeks of one another, in terms of the days, even though two years apart.
These were the closest friends I ever had. And still, I miss them terribly.
Now, too, with my "job transfer" not going through and returning to Go (without collecting $200), I am feeling numb. Numb. Just barely awake. Just going through the motions. Trying to stay focused but finding it nearly impossible.
Still we soldier on. I am sustained by foolish hope. Trusting that somehow, God has a hand in all this.
St. Teresa of Avila is said to have prayed, "God, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you don't have very many!" I can relate to that one.
It is hard for me to maintain much sense of good self-esteem. Though my head knows many things, my heart still hears voices of the past. "You shit head. You will never get it right." Voices from others, and voices I have imposed on myself. It's enough to make one want to go out and find some male body to ravage (or be ravage by). Not so much looking for a person, just sex. But that's all another posting.