Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Winter Sadness

Winter can always be a depressing time. The lack of daylight, the cold weather, gray skies. It has other memories for me which add to the sadness. My closest friend committed suicide 21 years ago. And two other very close friends died in a car crash 19 years ago. Both events within 3 weeks of one another, in terms of the days, even though two years apart.

These were the closest friends I ever had. And still, I miss them terribly.

Now, too, with my "job transfer" not going through and returning to Go (without collecting $200), I am feeling numb. Numb. Just barely awake. Just going through the motions. Trying to stay focused but finding it nearly impossible.

Still we soldier on. I am sustained by foolish hope. Trusting that somehow, God has a hand in all this.

St. Teresa of Avila is said to have prayed, "God, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you don't have very many!" I can relate to that one.

It is hard for me to maintain much sense of good self-esteem. Though my head knows many things, my heart still hears voices of the past. "You shit head. You will never get it right." Voices from others, and voices I have imposed on myself. It's enough to make one want to go out and find some male body to ravage (or be ravage by). Not so much looking for a person, just sex. But that's all another posting.


Jeremiah said...


Remember you MUST persist, you MUST go on, and you MUST have faith. Yes, I believe that God is in the little details so hang on and keep walking.

Oh, and praying is a good idea too. Network and do some more footwork. Because you never know where you will find that open window.

Life is about the journey, and I believe you were only focused on the end point. Pull back your gaze and widen your view a bit and see if the visual doesn't change.

Keep walking

Bigg said...

I am well acquainted with the winter blues... and with that reaction to it, because I react that way too often. Keep your chin up; I'm thinking of you, and sending good wishes your way.

Lemuel said...

"...For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end -- it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay."

You hope is not foolish. Your vision will come.

Ur-spo said...

ever consider a light box?
Sitting in front of a full light box for half an hour each morning can do a lot for winter blues.

On a philosophical note; Winston Churchill once said 'when you realize you are in hell, it is best to keep going on until you are out of it'.

bear said...

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD_ is real, the light trick just might work. I usually seek out things I enjoy or make me laugh (like a movie or something on TV) laughter is good medicine! :)

Also, if you think about it, your friends would never want you to be sad or unhappy in general or when you think about them, that would be such a diservice. You can always create situations that will make you happy and do that in their memory.
Life is a gift! So is sex...hehe, so why not! ;) Hang in there.

A Troll At Sea said...

Dear Beartoast:

Here is some advice I offered Bea of "sh-out" long ago, and which, like all free advice, is worth exactly what you pay for it:

go to [or rent] a movie that makes you laugh, and watch it with a friend who makes you laugh. Hang out afterwards and have a drink. Do it at your home so you don't have to drive, or do it at his/her home so you don't have to explain.

My list includes:
Ruthless People,
Groundhog Day,
Little Miss Sunshine and
Monsters, Inc.

But most of all, make sure you have at least one person to unburden some of this to in real life. We love you and want to be there for you, but we aren't... there.

Hang in there.

Michael said...

You have good support and useful advice here from your commenting friends. I would like to underline both the light trick (I know you are looking for another kind of trick, but, hey!) and the need to have people who are there for you. Many of us who have spent out lives in the service of the church find, at times like this, that the church does not provide the best resource for help. But there are a gazillion support groups out there. And who knows? You might find someOne there, too.

john said...

I'm so sorry for your loss!!!
You'll make it thru the winter. And spring, rebirth will come.

Brian said...

Joe, it often happens when someone comes out, or plans to, that in laying new ground for a new life things go wrong, or not according to plan, or get generally fucked up. Depression is often the result of this, particularly with self-esteem issues, because you're new, you're raw, you're scared and what you've got ahead of you is a tremendous leap into the unknown.

Married men with families who do what you (and I) have done are particularly vulnerable because they are older, have ties to and worries for their children, have to start in middle age when most men are doing this in their twenties, worry about wasted lives and whether this new one has any chance of succeeding. Babe, this is normal. But if you're not doing it already, find counseling, a professional you feel comfortable with, and talk it through. This isn't the winter blues, mate and light boxes and movies won't help. You've got a shitload on your shoulders, you're allowed to cry Uncle and seek help. Gunning for ya, Joe.

Restored Vows said...

Joe -

Brian said what I am going through in my own life right now.

On New Year's, I came out to my wife. I have two small children(10 and 12) that I love dearly. I am 43 years old and live in a large southern city suburb.

What Brian said is soooo me. I am scared. Scared to make a move, scared to leave my wife and kids for an unknown future. Scared of being alone.....JUST SCARED!!!!!

I also have issues of depression and low self esteem. This is SO hard. I am seeing a Christian counselor now. However, it looks as if I will be moving out of my home by 1 Mar or so.

I got involved with someone that has a partner. BIG MISTAKE.....don't ever do that. I am hurting so much right now over him....please see my Blog. I came out because of him. But in reality, it was time.

I have been living a lie and playing on the side. I have committed adultery against my wife and it is wrong.

As far as the depression goes, light therapy has been proven to work for those in northern climates. I would suggest being on an anti depressant and getting counseling as mentioned above. You need support just as I do. (I am a professional social worker...please take my advise!!)

Coming out is hard in mid-life. I also have a Christian theology that view this as "sin" and that it just needs to be repented of. I have struggled with gay issues for over 20 years. Why hasn't God delivered me yet??

Anyway....you are not alone!!!!!

If you would like to email me, sent it to restoredvows@yahoo.com

Check out my blog too....it may help. I am SO you.