Slowly but surely, I am "working the program" in my 12 step journey with sexual addiction. Slowly being the operative word.Surely it is a difficult road for straight men, but I know this one gay boy is having a very difficult time. Since time immemorial, masturbation has been "close at hand," (no laughing please, well, don't laugh too much.) And when that evolved to hook-ups with men, it was down hill from there.
I have been off the drug for almost two weeks now. Not since I was in the hospital in 1972 have I gone that long. Never. Always, it's right there, easy to use, free for the taking. And I am feeling it. Withdrawal.
And with no more drug, the emotions have run the gamut. Anger, sadness, fear, and more fear. Resentments of all sorts. I've always "managed" my feelings rather closely. They aren't permitted to get out of hand. If they do, that's when I get out my hand. Nuff said?
There is a part of this that seems so unreal. I'm not a sex addict, just a gay man getting it where he can, trying to get over years of frustration; trying to find solace in this closet I've kept myself in . . . . . . right? Now, I'm wending my way out of this closet. All those woofy men around (and, God, there are some very woofy men around!). Is all the looking and leering something I have to give up, too? Not yet, I hope. I was just getting used to looking without all the shame and guilt from years of peaking through the cracks in the door.
One day, I will drink it all in, and act it all out, and play around with whatever takes my fancy (or other parts). But not today. Not today. Just for today, I will surrender it, because I really can't do it on my own. Really.
Surrender is such a slippery thing (no puns, please). It is something I must decide to do, yet is not something I can just will. With so much of my life out-of-control, there is much yet to surrender.
My sponsor tells me that it all sounds like a normal progression. What most people experience in their early stages of withdrawal. I've not often thought of myself as "normal," so guess that's comforting to know.
Onward, upward, but at least not downward.
Shalom & Cheers, Joe.
PS, I hope this comes up with a picture in it. Thanks to Picasa.
4 comments:
It was good to hear a report on how your are doing. Best wishes.
It came with the picture.
One of my closest friends is a former priest who became active in a 12 step program to deal with sexual issues. He has worked his program rigorously for over four years now, and in the past year has found a loving partner to enrich his life. Sexual sobriety is possible -- and with it, love.
Just wanted you to know that.
You will come to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
I hope it works for you, Joe. I am wishing you all the best, and all the success in the world.
I spent my thirties has a total slut, and then I met the love of my life and we've been together for 12 years. I occasionally have sex outside of the relationship which he is aware of, but it's rare and not as satisfying as doing it with someone you love. Those Dewars commercials are true. I have no idea what drug your talking about, unless metaphorically sex, or for that matter how I found your blog, but you live in such a different strastosphere that I do, that I find it fascinating.
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