Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Mine, not yours.

I received this comment on a previous post and wanted to share it and respond to it. I would ask its author but have no way to contact him.

Joe - you seem to be linking this 'obsession' with sex, with being gay. Believe me, its not about being gay so much as about being male. There are plenty of hetero men out there doing the same. It's just with gay men, you get two men who want the same. Don't make this part of your reconciliation with being gay. Sexual behaviour is just that, and its only, I think, easier to find an outlet as a gay man than as a hetero man, since the girls don't seem to be quite so inclined (ok, I know, some girls are), but treat it as a 'sexual problem' not a 'gay' problem, or you just add to your woes. that's what I think anyway.

I appreciate the author's concern and care. It would be easy to mix up the gay stuff and the addiction stuff. In fact they are closely intertwined, but not inextricably so. Part of this journey into recovery is about separating them.

I know heteros do the same thing. Most of the folk in the 12 step group are straight. And, some of the straight men have acted out with other men - we know where it's easy to find. No commitment, no name, sometimes no face, just a hole in the wall.

My struggle with being gay is still there, but it's not about the addiction. I know that I am gay, and I am even coming around to being grateful for it. Yes, sometimes I wish I were straight, but then I wouldn't be me. And, my "wishing" is mainly about my family, my wife and children. God knows I don't want to hurt them in any way. But sometimes the truth is painful. Living monger with the Lie would be much worse. The truth is the only thing that will set us free.

Thanks, L, I hear your comments as supportive, and I appreciate them.

And another thing . . . . .
My addictive behavior is mine. I know now that is what it's been. This is about me. This is NOT intended as commentary, judgment, or ridicule of any one else or any body's behavior.

Is it OK to hookup with some hot guy now and then? to have a "fling", to have an orgy? I don't know. It all sounds hot to me, and I hope one of these days . . . . .
But my acting out has been obsessive. It takes over my life. It takes me out of reality and into a kind of trance state. And, I want more. And more. The trance state sneaks in, it keeps me from doing my job, I think about it, obsess about it. Then the Internet porn search starts. Meanwhile, hours -hours - have gone by and there I am, building up, edging, backing off, continuing the search, the high, waiting for the climax.

It has begun to control me. That's the problem. I'm not judging those activities. I think they can be OK, sometimes. But for me, it's gotten out of hand. (no puns, please).

Today has been a difficult one for lots of reasons. My wife and I have been talking more and more about details of separating this summer. It is so painful. One day at a time.

Shalom to all, Joe.

PS: I still can't add pictures, so you all will have to do with my pitiful writing. J.


Ross said...

Trust me, the writing is not pitiful. You have a whole cloud of witnesses who want to stand in solidarity with you (albeit only in cyber-land).

I think that people need to evaluate their own behavior. You are right, there is no way that we can judge anyone else's actions. However, we can evaluate and modify our own behavior. That's something I learned in anti-racism training, but it's applying to all parts of life.

bear said...

I wonder if this "obsession" is closely related to the "slut" phase a lot of gay guys go through. I think the slut phase is caused by a lot of (years!) of self denial all bursting out at once. For example, I notice I don't have the same feelings towards thing like online porn as much, now that I got the real thing! I think in time, it'll all make sense to you though, it may take years! Hang in there...

mark said...

I was just going to mention the "slut" phase that I think a lot of us go through during the "coming out days". Hell, it can happen after the breaking up with your lover days, what happens after a long dry spell days....

If you need help posting pictures, send me an email. The best way is to start a flickr account or some place to hold your pictures that will provide you with an html code to paste into the body of your blog.

john said...

I just want you to know that we're here to offer support for your continuing journey.

A Troll At Sea said...

Toasted Bear:

With God no thing is impossible, says Gabriel. So, follow the still, small voice [just typed "still, small vice"...hmmm] and see where it takes you.

And take care of yourself.


quakerboy said...

Great blog...just found it! I grew up in Southern Appalachia (near Asheville). Now live in Greensboro. I am a gay Christian as well. Shoot me an email some time!

nclotus at triad.rr.com