Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Away at work, not out and about

I'm not dead, not yet anyway. I've been off at a conference this week and been very busy.

The conference is offering many tools and concepts that will be useful in my present work, but it is focused is an area that might help me transition to a different kind of position. In other words, it may give me some retraining for new work.

I'm basically in a closet within a closet. I may have come out to myself, but coming out much further (or farther) will jeopardize my present position and maybe my career.

I'm a bit old for a total retrain, and our finances are such that earning much less than I make now would send us over the edge of a financial abyss.

I'm trying to decide how much more to say, if any. More another day. Perhaps.

I hope to post more in coming weeks (if not days) as time allows.

Shalom to all. Joe

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Enemy: Me, Myself, and I

I would love to post more stuff. But sometimes getting my muse and my laptop in the same place is nigh on impossible. Alas.

Life has been extremely busy with work and, well, Life. My oldest child is now off to school (college, that is) 500 miles from home! It was a tearful departing. My wife drove her out while I stay home to get the youngest, back to school today. It was exciting and very sad, too. She was scared, facing into the prospect of "going out into the world on her own." Off course she will be in the protective cocoon of college, but we know there is a big difference. She is quite bright, very talented, and she will do well. But she doesn't know that yet.

In hugging my wife before they left, I know that she (wife) was having a recognition of our family "breaking up." Of course the child off to college is "normal". What is coming down the road (when? oh when?) is the not-so-normal break-up of our family. It added to the pain of the moment. I think this is what made it a painful, sad time for me. Knowing what's coming, but having no idea what if will look like.

I am feeling so very scattered, out-of-focus, depressed, down on myself, useless, etc. I could go on and on, but you don't want to hear it. I am my own worst enemy. No one can say much to me to put me down or criticize me that I haven't already said to myself, in spades. The comments or observations of others just magnify things for me, intensify them, confirm them. See? I really am a big shit.

Like I said, I'm my own worst enemy. But years (and years) of therapy have helped me see (in my head, at least, if not in my soul) that I can do many things, accomplish all sorts of stuff, and have actually done some of it well. Still, the demons gnaw away at me. [Blessedly, only one of my several therapists thought I could be "straightened out." And even she was a lot of help, otherwise.]

Seriously, I do not know how I keep going, but I do. Not much alternative, I suppose. But the pain, the weight, the shame (even), the depression is heavy. Others have so much more to deal with, (it seems) that I can't see why I should complain. But this is the only shit I must go through. This is my story, so I'll cry if I want to.

In the midst of it all, there is much for which to give thanks, much for which to be very grateful. And I am. I think that is something that keeps me going. Focusing on the gratitude has such power, even as I wallow in the sadness.

Onward, upward, forward. More later.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Living in the Fog

I've started a post about four times and always ended in deleting it. Hard to get out what I want to say. Worries about how much to say, how little to say. My brain bounces hither and yon. I am SOOOOO ADD. It can be pathetic.

I can write. Yes, I can do that. But the energy it takes, and the time. If only I could record my brain when I have these great, wondrous, insightful, illuminating thoughts all through the day. And then they are gone. Literally fallen off the shelf behind the mental furniture, and forgotten.

Oh, the fog.

Life moves along as preparations take shape for the return of school. My eldest is off to college and my youngest back into high school - and on the same day. (In the mountains, we have to make allowance for snow days, so public schools start in mid-August). That will mean that I stay home with my youngest while mom takes the eldest to college -- 500 miles away! I'm beginning to feel the hurt of missing that, and missing her.

Many things to say and ponder. I'll try to get some down on paper, or rather, in electrons.

Cheers, Joe.