Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Enemy: Me, Myself, and I

I would love to post more stuff. But sometimes getting my muse and my laptop in the same place is nigh on impossible. Alas.

Life has been extremely busy with work and, well, Life. My oldest child is now off to school (college, that is) 500 miles from home! It was a tearful departing. My wife drove her out while I stay home to get the youngest, back to school today. It was exciting and very sad, too. She was scared, facing into the prospect of "going out into the world on her own." Off course she will be in the protective cocoon of college, but we know there is a big difference. She is quite bright, very talented, and she will do well. But she doesn't know that yet.

In hugging my wife before they left, I know that she (wife) was having a recognition of our family "breaking up." Of course the child off to college is "normal". What is coming down the road (when? oh when?) is the not-so-normal break-up of our family. It added to the pain of the moment. I think this is what made it a painful, sad time for me. Knowing what's coming, but having no idea what if will look like.

I am feeling so very scattered, out-of-focus, depressed, down on myself, useless, etc. I could go on and on, but you don't want to hear it. I am my own worst enemy. No one can say much to me to put me down or criticize me that I haven't already said to myself, in spades. The comments or observations of others just magnify things for me, intensify them, confirm them. See? I really am a big shit.

Like I said, I'm my own worst enemy. But years (and years) of therapy have helped me see (in my head, at least, if not in my soul) that I can do many things, accomplish all sorts of stuff, and have actually done some of it well. Still, the demons gnaw away at me. [Blessedly, only one of my several therapists thought I could be "straightened out." And even she was a lot of help, otherwise.]

Seriously, I do not know how I keep going, but I do. Not much alternative, I suppose. But the pain, the weight, the shame (even), the depression is heavy. Others have so much more to deal with, (it seems) that I can't see why I should complain. But this is the only shit I must go through. This is my story, so I'll cry if I want to.

In the midst of it all, there is much for which to give thanks, much for which to be very grateful. And I am. I think that is something that keeps me going. Focusing on the gratitude has such power, even as I wallow in the sadness.

Onward, upward, forward. More later.

5 comments:

Paul said...

Yes, your living arrangements may change, but your family will always be your family. And I'm sure you'll keep them close.

Cell phones, e-mail and memories will help.

Ur-spo said...

you feel things strongly; both the dark and the light. It is enviable; eventhough it hurts at times.
Years after the fact, my parents said dropping me off at college for the first time was one of the hardest things they did; but over time (and more kids dropped out) this pain ceased.
We remain still a family; yours will too.
PS - I think our Muses must be going off together, as they seem to disappear about the same time.

shell pilgrim said...

Thought you might like this
Ten questions for the religious right

1) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. (After all, have you seen what whole shellfish look like?) Can you settle this?
7) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
9) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

A Troll At Sea said...

BearMind:

Lighten up. Walk around the block. Watch a favorite funny movie with a friend. Read Augusten Burroughs [Running With Scissors, Dry]. Or David Sedaris. Find whatever makes you laugh out loud and then make room for it in your life. Because the hard stuff is headed your way, and you need to deflect it.

I spent six months staring into the headlights of my own impending doom, and it is taking me the better part of six months to dig back out. And I just have to deal with the fact that my limitations are what they are. I suspect that you have some, er, fairly permanent downsides also. Give them room, make them popcorn, jolly them along.

The normal partings are harbingers of what is to come, and yes, it sometimes seems overwhelming. But I have to say that love finds a way, and if it does not conquer all all at once, it does help you over the parts you fear most. I can only pray that your children are as good to you as mine were to me.

This is too much for a comment.
Forgive me.
Hang in there.

yr Troll

bear said...

I really like Troll's advice.

Life's too short. Mourn, be sad, get it out of the way, and make some fun and enjoy it all.