When asked once if I “had a plan,” I answered, “Oh, hell. I don’t even have a clue!” That’s me all over. As Thomas Merton wrote in his famous prayer, "O Lord, I do not know where I am going." But I know I am not alone. Sometimes I may feel like it, but I am not. I had promised myself I would wait through the holidays before moving very far ahead on the great coming out plan. Well, the holidays are over. Back in December I made an appointment with my boss. He really isn’t my direct “boss” but sort of the regional executive. He is a very good man, and I believe he will be open and affirming of me. I hope.
The meeting is tomorrow (Wednesday, 01/04/06). Prayers, please.
Bringing him in to this picture is risky but necessary. I need support, and I may need to “put in for a transfer.” Some counsel will be helpful as to where to go next, figuratively speaking, but perhaps literally, as well. But what if he flips out, what if he tries to get me fired, what if he ends my career? What if , what if.
Please God, give me serenity to accept, courage to change, wisdom to discern.
The picture is actually a photograph of a billboard in Durham, England, advertising a movie about Durham, St. Cuthbert, and Lindisfarne. This picture has become a sort of icon for me, as my sacred journey had strong beginnings in the summer of '04 when my family and I traveled in the UK. Also, I like the very bearish viking!
More about that sacred beginning another time.
Grace & Peace, Joe.
3 comments:
Having had such a meeting, I know some of the anxiety. I'm praying. More importantly, God is holding you, your family and your boss.
anxnnjlm: the shaky feeling in your stomach that accompanies anxiety
My prayers are with you.
Where to go next? My advise would be to slowly talk to the people with whom you feel the least amount of anxiety - maybe someone you don't really know all that well. Once you have "practiced" coming out for some "safe" people, then you can work yourself up to the people who concern you more.
I think that there is guilt (both given and cultivated in one's self) for not telling the most important people first. However, those people are too important to do it poorly.
Of course, this is only my opinion. You are free to choose another direction.
Please let us know how the meeting with the boss goes. I'm very interested to hear what will happen.
p.s. The Thomas Merton prayer is one of my favorites. It sums up the situation of our lives more often than I would like to think!
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