Darkness & Light

Sorry for the lack of posts.  The days are getting shorter.  And the Darkness descends.  This time of year has always been difficult for me, and this year is no exception.  But it is not all darkness.  There is light, as well.

I am getting some things in my life together; I'm not letting the darkness overcome me.

My back is still a bit troublesome but better.  The weather is getting cold; it may sleet or snow today.  There are many work responsibilities requiring attention.

Enough for now.  I am here, I am still moving, journeying, living.

The light shone in the darkness.  The darkness did not overcome it.

And in other news . . . . 

The picture is of my room in the House of C & S.  It's small, but it's home.  Looks like I'm going to be here a while.  They are wonderful, welcoming folk with whom to live.  I am grateful.  My laptop sits atop a bookshelf (when it's not in bed with me).  The towel and such on the bed is for Pippy the cat who stays with me.   The windows look out onto the garden.  The house has a wooded setting, so there's little need to clothes the curtains.

I'm making some new friends, slowly, carefully.

Horizontal prayer

I've had a big meeting to go to, a bad back, and a bad cold.  Ugh.  Monday was for me a day of vertical prayer.  When so much stuff happens at once, I get into my "dark place" and start whining.  For me, all there is to do is to be simply with it all.  Ignoring the details, the voices that want to pull me under, just sitting with it, letting it be, trusting that the darkness will not over come me.  And it passes.  sort of.

Though the back still hurts a bit, and the cold is fading, I'm back into the thick of things at work.  It's going to be a long week.  It's not a question of keeping one's head above water but of how to snorkel.

Maybe I'll have something of interest to post next time.

Thanks for all the responses on retreat ideas.  Keep them coming!

I've been watching some of the It Gets Better videos.  They are so touching, moving, sad, happy, and glorious.  One of the LA Gay Men's Chorus singing True Colors moved me to tears (as so many of the videos have).




I think for many of us, there is much stored-up grief.  Tears always help me let it out.

Enjoy.  And weep.  And celebrate.

Your Ideas and Suggestions are welcome (and needed)

This working-for-a-living thing is for the birds!  Ugh.  Only kidding.  I am thankful to have a job, and a great one, at that.  Hectic it has been. With my back still hurting some, it means I'm moving a little more slowly than I'd like.  But I'm hanging in.

Bear with me and help me out, folks.  I've gotten myself in to something, and I'm not altogether sure what I'm doing.  Your ideas and suggestions are welcome (and desperately needed).

The Basics:  If you were to go on a church-sponsored weekend retreat for GLBTQ people, what would you want to happen?

• What would you want to talk about?
• What activities, topics, ideas/
• Music, worship ideas?
• It will be drawing from basic Christian tradition, but I'm sure a wide variety of spiritualities will be discussed and practiced.
• What would you want to hear from "the Church"

Realizing that no one (not even the pope) speaks for the whole Church.  And no one can even speak for a particular denomination.  But hang with me, go with the flow, try to think what you'd want.

Something like what I've talked about (a weekend retreat) will happen the first weekend of April 2011.  And I'm to be involved with it.  Who could imagine such?  Why me Lord?

Help me out.  You can post a comment, or email me directly:  beartoast@gmail.com

Cheers. 

Photo credit to BG, again.  I didn't mean to close my eyes. If you embiggen it, it gets scary!

Slowly better

The back is better.  I'm moving slowly, but I'm moving.  Thanks for the support.

Today is a tough day for a back ache, for feeling my age.  Because today, I add a year, complete another circuit of the sun, begin again with new numbers. Today, of all days, I didn't need to feel older.

But, aging is the only way to live.

There is, for me, much for which to be grateful. I know, I keep saying that, but it's true.  And, it keeps me focused on all the good stuff that is there for me.  Still, all kinds of feelings rush in.  I'm trying to practice how to welcome them and let them go.  Not welcoming the yuk stuff, just the feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, confusion, or helplessness that comes with them.

Letting go is such an important part of life.  Not just saying goodbye, or living with constant grief, but setting free ourselves from stuff that may weigh us down.

The leaves have changed.  This picture doesn't begin to convey it.
I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Back to Back

I've hurt my back.  Again.  Thursday, there was this big thing I had to carry at work; that 'set it up'.  Then, a wrong move on Friday, and wham!  I hate when this happens.

And, as housemates (actually, my hosts) needed the spare room, I was staying with another friend.  So, I'm not even in my own bed (so to speak) to be laid up.  Now, I'm at another friends for a night or two.

Feeling old, broke, homeless, and alone.  These things combined for a major meltdown on Friday.  Blessedly, I was already scheduled to see my counselor-friend on Friday.  I cried and wailed, releasing some pent-up grief.

Moving very slowly, I'm able to rest up a bit.  Time to get back on the ice packs, take the drugs.

Full Moon Funk

I'm in a full funk, and it ain't good.  Maybe it's the full moon.  Surely that's got to be it.

Leaves, river, and moon

Some job stuff is weighing heavily.  And I'm not having fun, today.

I'll get over it, I suppose.  But in the mean time, apologies to all my blogging friends whose blogs I've not looked at in at least a week.  I'll get back to reading soon, I hope.

Still, there is much for which to be grateful.

Meanwhile, funk on through the storm.

Odds & Ends

I have shed many tears over videos on Dan Savage's "It gets better" project.  Watch them.  Weep, and rejoice.  As a teenager, I had no information to know what I was.  But in my 30's, I did come close to suicide.  I'm so glad I didn't.  It's gotten SO much better!

C'est moi.

There is more information for youth, and the rest of us, today.  But maybe not enough, or not enough info out there for them to find.

Last week, with an opportunity (working with my regular 'customers' who happen to stop by on Sunday mornings) to speak on the subjects of bullying and on accepting gay and lesbian folk, I was scared sh**less to say anything.  But I did.  And with very positive results.  Once again, they didn't fire me.

And in other news . . . .

Dating life is not going so well.  The guy I have seen several times, over a month or two is just the greatest guy!  He is nice, kind, considerate, not pushy or pressuring.  And fun to be with.  I told him last week how much I want to fall in love with him.  But I'm just not feeling it.  It's simply not happening.  While I'm able to accept this, I also have this commitment to being honest.  I can lead him on, drag this out, continue to pretend.  Though I hope we'll see each other some more, I had to tell him how I was feeling.

Meanwhile, he is ready for me to move in with him.  Smitten.  God knows I don't want to hurt anyone.  But I recall a friend of mine in a similar situation.  He was head over heels for a guy, and they were together for a year or more.  though they didn't live under the same roof (as I believe they were in different, but not distant, towns) they spent a great deal of time with one another.  My friend was smitten, in love, over the moon.  But I'm not sure how much was really talked about.  His lover comes in one day and announces he has met the love of his life.  And then he could not understand why my friend was thrilled for him.  Friendship for one was love for another.

I don't want that to happen.  For me, for him, for anyone.  Ugh.

Maybe something more will grow?  But I don't want to deepen the hurt or prolong the end.  Time will tell.  Who knows?  I, too, am trusting that it gets better.  It's not just for teenagers

That was more than I meant to say about that.


Photo credit: BG with thanks, even though you think I'm angry 

Aside:   Somewhere there is a joke about a proctologist and a psychiatrist going in to practice together.  They were trying to come up with a creative name for their medical office.  While I don't remember the punch line, two of the suggestions were "Nuts and Butts" and "Odds and Ends"

Angry

I'm so angry I could spit.

All the teen suicides of late seem to point to bullying and teens struggling with their sexuality.  Many of us can remember the pain, or still feel it.

As a teenager, I was too isolated to know what "gay" was.  When I was (occasionally) called a "sissy", I do not think I understood the full import of the taunt.  But I was never taunted much, never really bullied because i was the biggest kid in the school - not just overweight (which I was) but big.  Taller, bigger, stronger.  So, I was just left alone.  I felt the isolation, but not the mean, sadistic taunting and bullying that so many have endured.

And for those who could no longer endure it, I pray for the repose of their souls.  As an adult, I have entered that darkness that isolates us from everything and everyone else.  The only way out seems death; that feeling that the world will really be better off is just weren't around.

Oh, God, it's an awful feeling.

If you are part of a church or spiritual institution that remembers the names of those who have died, remember them this Sunday, October 10th.  The day before National Coming Out Day.

Pray for those who never had the chance.   Work like hell so that others will know they DO have the chance.

• Billy Lucas (15) September 9, 2010. Indiana
• Cody J. Barker (17) September 13, 2010. Wisconsin
• Seth Walsh (13) September 19, 2010. California
• Tyler Clementi (18) September 22, 2010. New Jersey
• Asher Brown (13) September 23, 2010. Texas
• Harrison Chase Brown (15) September, 25 2010. Colorado
• Raymond Chase (19) September 29, 2010. Rhode Island
• Felix Sacco (17) September 29, 2010. Massachusetts
• Caleb Nolt (14) September 30, 2010. Indiana

listing courtesy of Jeremy, and the New Civil Rights Movement

Just Thinking & Pride

Thanks for responses, especially regarding job stuff.  I've written about it before (I think), but this is no where near "the end" of anything.  As has been said,

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. Sir Winston Churchill, Speech in November 1942

This is all just thinking, praying, discerning what may be.  In my line of work, it takes forever to make a change.  So, it's just something rolling around in my head - or my heart.

And in other news . . . .

Tomorrow is our local Pride celebration and I get to participate!  A division of the non-profit with whom I work is having a table/booth there, and I'll be staffing it - in uniform.  That may cause a ripple or two, but I hope not.  Or maybe I do.  And then, there is the after-party!  I do have to work the next day, and early, but have reduced duties this week as someone else is making the main presentation to our 'customers.'

I'm making new friends, here and there; still meditating every (weekday) morning; and being grateful for all I have.  (Oh, I did miss Tuesday morning - because of Monday night.  Goodness, I'm not telling:).