All

Today is a good day.  They aren't all, but today is.  DG.

I've said it before, and it is difficult to explain or expound upon, but it is so true . . .
Coming Out is the most intense spiritual journey of my life.  All of it.  I could never have imagined.  Still can't.  It is still unfolding, as it always will be.

The Holy One of Being does not demand all.  Except when the Holy One does.  For me, it seems necessary.  To give all.  As my spiritual director said, we must hand all over - in thanksgiving.  The Holy One blesses all; and returns to us that which we need.

I know that I must.  Well, it isn't that I must. It's just that I must.

It is all about 'Letting Go'.

"It is only to empty hands that all may be given."  You must lose your life, to find it.  You must give, to receive. You must die, to live.  Shit.  This I do not like.  Not one bit.  I am screaming and crying and squirming - big time.

And I am laughing, too.  At myself.  I know that it's true.  I know that I must.  I hope that I will.  And there is that part of me that wants to.  Really.

I suppose there is good reason the 12 Steps have always appealed to me - there is such deep spirituality there.

I know.  This seems a bit random.  'Spose it is.  But it is what it is.

On this night of the Third Day of Christmas, as we move toward the Turning of the Year, may there be grace and peace to you and your house.

Cheers.

Oh, I'm on facebook now, too.  Email me if you're interested.

Solstice

I'm waiting for the light.

This season of the year is quite tough for me.  And, things are looking up.
The religious celebrations of a Christian sort help me make it through, though I know many gay brothers and sisters do not countenance stuff that has to do with "Christianity" or the church.  And I deeply understand that. No one need tell me about the church or "Christianity" and what it has meant, done, inflicted upon, etc., our kind.

Being Christian, though, in the very liberal fashion in which I claim that title, ain't so bad.  There is a deeper Truth underneath the religiosity and practice of many who have hurt us, and do hurt us, and will defame and shame and injure and speak ill of us.  Really; there is a deeper Truth there. for me, it is worth it.

And, as I work for a religious non-profit, I'm deeply rooted in the Tradition.  And it's more than you think.  As the appointed leader of said religious non-profit, I came out almost two years ago.  And I'm still here, and we are actually growing and (in small ways) flourishing. The story is beyond amazing and unexpected and grace-filled.  The Truth and the Practice of many is far beyond the idiocy and hypocrisy and hate-filled-practice of some.  It's true.

One odd (quite odd) and blessed thing that comes to me in my 'employment' is the chance for some extended time away.  It's called a sabbatical.  And now it seems I will be graced with one.  February and March.  Time will be spent in meditation and contemplation with some monks (most of whom are gay, I think).  I'll be welcomed and accepted and given time for work and prayer and no one cares that I am gay.  I am hoping it will be a time of further transformation.

In South Africa.  Can you imagine?  I am only just beginning to.

The next few days will be very busy for me.  So,  Cheers, Shalom, and Merry Christmas to all.

PS:  I've got so much Celtic blood in me (it's true) now I understand why I want to paint myself blue and dance naked around a mistletoe-laden oak tree.  Huzzah!

I Lost It

I went to get a prescription refilled this evening, after a meeting at work.  "I'm sorry, this requires pre-authorization."

So, right there, at the counter in the Pharmacy, I called the company that handles prescription coverage for my health insurance.  I won't mention the name, but its initials are Medco.  After talking to their computer for a while, I finally got a live person.  (After talking with me, I hope she did not have to take a personal day, dissolving into tears, running screaming from the building.)

I was furious.  Livid.  Fit-to-be-tied.  Outraged. (What words could you add to this list?)  While civil, I don't think you could say I was polite.  I apologized to the person on the other end of the phone, saying that I knew it was not her fault.  I knew that she was just doing her job, (and being polite about it).  I told her that . . . . . . and then told her how furious/outraged/angry/livid I was about this system.  I was ready to occupy something, and it would not be a pretty sight.

And, you wouldn't believe what a nice, mild-mannered, usually calm person I am.  Most of the time.

So, I have to call the drug lords of insurance-land to be told a telephone number that I must give to the doctor's office, so that the doctor's office may call it to get a form faxed to them (the Doc's office) that must then be completed and returned to the prescription barons.  Then the headless wonders of prescription hell can decide if it's really what I should have, a legitimate drug, a real need, and whether they will pay for it. After all, the doctor's office has so much spare time, and so many extra employees just sitting around.  And, the doc doesn't know her arse from a hole in the ground - how could she possibly know what to prescribe for me.

When you go to your doctor, does she routinely give you random, expensive, useless prescriptions usually prescribed for symptoms and ailments that you do not have?  Perhaps many doctors do.  Do they?

I talked tonight with four different persons at the drug castle.  (I apologized and warned them in advance.)  The third person with whom I spoke was in the pre-authorization department. Then, he transferred me to a pharmacist in the pre-authorization department.  Who only works in the pre-authorization department.  They have pre-authorization pharmacists?!  Who knew?

This is all to save us money.  Pre-authorization departments.  Doctor's offices with staff members who do nothing but make calls and file forms with pre-authorization departments.  To save us money?

The hilarity of it continues: it was an old, generic drug.  Not like the doc is getting pay-offs from the drug company on this one.

Opening a bottle of wine was the best decision of the night.  I'm better now.  A bit.