Cold Front with Sun

There may be a lot to barometric pressure and its effect on one's mood.  Or not.

Maybe it's the rain, the clouds, the lack of sun.  Am I affected by that Seasonal Affective Disorder?  I know not.  But a front was moving through yesterday, and my mood was darker than than clouds.  Today it is cold, but the sun is out.  Deo gratias.  Is it sun or barometric pressure or phases of the moon?

These ups and downs seem rather high and low.  And, without medications stemming the slide, I can get into quite a funk.  But then, today is much better.  I'm really felling it all.  As I've said before (quoting a wise friend from years ago) "If you can't feel it, you can't heal it."  So now comes the work of healing it.

Many thanks for supportive words from folk in the blogosphere.

Fear and Loneliness

With a couple of days off, right now, a rarity for me, and with a tiny bit saved up, I thought of having an adventure.  But I haven't done it.  I got so close to booking a room.  And then closed the browser.  What is my problem?

At first, I feared I was again isolating myself.  I think I'm adjusting to life alone.  And it's been lonely.  I've been lonely.  I am lonely.  Even getting up the nerve to call a friend has been tough.  But talking isn't always what I want to do.

There are some reasons for not traveling too far (or at all); but are they reasons or just lame excuses?  Living into the loneliness, leaning into the fear are things I do not want to do; but that may be exactly what's necessary.  As Annie Dillard said (I think): we have to ride the monsters all the way down.

This is not the ride I'd like to be on, right now.

I am surviving, doing OK, really.  Perhaps I simply need to grow up some.  I've lived out of fear most of my life - so transition ain't so easy.  But not impossible.

There is much that needs doing around the house: cleaning, straightening, sorting, moving; things to make this house feel more like home.  That may be the more responsible thing to do.  And to pray/meditate/contemplate.  And a day trip may be in order.

I'll have another time for a big adventure.  Maybe I'll have someone to go with me.

Here, and not

A rough patch of work has kept me exhausted and weary.  It has been hard to focus and get through it all.  Forgive my absence.  Maybe it's time to end blogging - but then, maybe not.  I'll hang in a bit longer and see how it goes.

I'm in the kind of work that involves a great deal of emotional labor.  Not much heavy lifting or physical stuff, but a lot of emotional work that can be very exhausting.  And, with that, it's not something that one can "leave at the office" very easily; and it involves a schedule that is anything but "9 to 5."

I've taken little time off and certainly not two days together.  Even days off end up having just one little thing with work.  Others do it, I'm not the only one in this line of work.  I just don't seem to handle it very well, sometimes.  I'm looking to take a few days off next week - three.  But what will I do with them?  I can't afford much, but I'm going somewhere.

And there's not much other news about anything - or anyone.  Am I capable of handling a relationship?  Entering in to a relationship?  Maintaining a relationship?  I'm having my doubts . . . . . .  But I'm still hoping.  Cheers, till next time.