So many years of so much fear have kept bound up in one way or another. It's been much grist for the therapy mill! Going somewhere, traveling on my own, being adventurous - none of these things have come easily or often. Oh, my wasted youth! Then, I wallow in my inabilities to venture forth. I'm not good at planning, or even just thinking ahead; And I'm too cheap to spend much (usually because I'm too broke - as is now the case).
Fear can be such an insidious, strangling, invasive vine - tendrils creeping in to parts of life and thought, undetected, till we try to move or stretch. Then, we feel that catch, that thing that grabs, unbalances, trips us up, tips us over. Soon, we just freeze up, stop moving, stop trying.
But I shall not be bound (he said, with a quiver in his voice, not sure he believed his words). So, I shall fake it till I make it, then.
Though still trepidatious, I'm venturing out, a bit. There is some family component to part of it - that's the impetus for the trip there -ah! but the return trip is mine! For reasons various and sundry , I have to go to upstate New York (Schenectady) to deliver someone to something. Then, I am on my own!
As of Sunday afternoon, I am sprung free for a bit. One blogger friend is offering hospitality for the trip back! I'm so excited to be able to meet him and his partner! Hoping to line up another get together. Anyone between up there and down here, I'd love to get together with.
If you're along the way (basically Albany, NY to Asheville, NC) and we could visit, let me know. I'll only have a few days, but I'm excited to get away on my own. Almost never ever happens. Maybe this will be the start of something. ("Yes!" he said, giving no hint of his equivocations, "I shall begin again.")
I feel so brave - well, for a few minutes!