Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Still Standing -- -- still

I've been busy and neglecting the blogosphere.  Shame (shit, forget the shame.  Had enough of that to deal with).

I'm still standing, but it feels as if I'm standing still.  For the time being.  Things will move again in a few weeks.  I hope.  Coming out more and more is the plan.  And shall be the reality.  But it is taking time.

In the mean time, I'm in a holding pattern that is using up fuel.  Focusing on work is difficult.  Getting the energy to come to work seems difficult.  I am wondering what my reluctance to come to work is about?

I'm wondering, why can't I just "box" this for now and focus on other things, and bring it out again in a month?  It just doesn't seem to want to be boxed.  Every now and them, some fear rears its ugly head.  But I'm not undone by it. 

Life is good.  I am grateful.  Just thought I'd check in.  More later.


Michael Dodd said...

I think I know why you don't want to come to work, and I suspect you have a fairly good idea.

You may be able to "box it", though. I sometimes find that I can tell myself, "I cannot deal with this now. So I am going to put it aside for ten days, and on [INSERT SPECIFIC DATE HERE], I will take it out and look at it again." This gives me the satisfaction of having done something, but it gives me space to get on with other more immediately pressing brush fires!

Progress, not perfection!

Ur-spo said...

Sometimes sitting still in being with things is exactly what is needed.

Lemuel said...

I have times when I seem unable to "box" whatever. I think of those things almost like the concept of the "fixed idea" for characters in literature. No matter how I try I just cannot seem to get it out of my head, get past it, or deal with it so that it is gone. Eventually it passes or resolves, but in the meantime it saps my energy. I think of that as I read the description of what is happening to you.
Given your overall peace with what is happening, I pray that you will have whatever resources you need to wait this period out until things start moving for you again.

manxxman said...

Well you've opened Pandora's box and as you know once opened it can never be closed again. I remember the fear when I first came out. But like most fears.......the fear is far bigger than the reality. Deep those things you can and accept them as accomplishments.

We are all here for you at this time.

Michael Dodd said...

Never forget: Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.

RG said...

There's no rush - take your time.

JC said...

Ur-spo said my words, there is nothing wrong with still. Sometimes we learn the best lessons when do just sit and be. Seems everyone is struggling with try to speed up/catch up to some place they 'think' they should be then try to slow things down when life is moving too fast... Enjoy just being for awhile.

john said...

I am glad that you are still around!

Topper said...

I understand completely what you are saying! Your experience is similar to mine. You know where fear comes from? There seems to be a difference to fear and understanding who should know and for what reasons.

I current boss knows I am gay. He knew a long time ago. I don't think he really understands though.