Overload

Overload has hit. The breakers are ready to trip, the fuses to blow. Work, family, spirit, all have been full to spillage. And I'm having to clean up the mess!

Later I will write more, but there is so much going on, I am an emotional wreck. Oh, I'll make it, I'm not going to dissolve into a puddle, never to return. But, being hauled off to a place with a quiet padded cell, where they bring me my meals, sounds like a refreshing break.

Of course, I'm not sure how quiet those places really are, and the foods probably not that good. So, I guess I'll hang on and hang in a little longer.

Out of the randomness

My mind is whirling, whizzing, and boiling today, as is my spirit. So, here are some random, if incomplete, thoughts:

• Today, I’m having a difficult time with “church,” and even with “Christianity.” In the midst of all the shit, I know there is a core of truth, Truth. But it can be difficult to find, and very hard to explain or entice others to hear it, or see it, or experience it. But I know it is there, in spite of (seemingly) overwhelming evidence to the contrary.


• There is a thin veneer of Christian belief in the Church and in this nation, this so-called “Christian nation.” It is a veneer of being nice, as long as you behave like me. It would be even better if you looked life me, too. Yes, the thin veneer is there, but it has been used so cruelly to dominate, so misused to subjugate. The true joy, freedom, comfort, and challenge of the Gospel rarely show through.


• Conformity does NOT mean maturity, and vice versa. We get this sooooo wrong, sometimes.


• Sometimes I still wish to be a regular, old, everyday, straight guy. But that only happens when I see the cute dad with mom and the kids in the park, etc. I never think that in bed. Is it all about appearances?


• I’ve learned that it is true: Never judge you insides, based on someone else’s outsides. Appearances are always deceiving.


• And again, you have heard it said: What I most dislike in others is usually what I most dislike in myself.


• I want to fall in love. With a man. I don’t want to be a slut.


• I have never been able to focus long enough to do a meme. I have been tagged a few times but never managed to follow through.


• My closet is getting smaller and more and more uncomfortable. I pray for the patience to hold out (in) a little longer, until I can tell my children, at least.


• Honesty is the best policy. I so long to tell my children the Truth, that I am gay, and I love them, and I love their mother (as best I know/knew how) and it will be OK. How can I expect honesty from them, if they don’t get it from me? This causes me great pain.


• An excerpt from words by the Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson, Bishop of New Hampshire, to folk at the HRC offices in Washington, DC, as roeported at the My Gay Spirit website.
  
  

  “In some ways, for some reason" Robinson continued, "it is almost harder to come out as a SPIRITUAL Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender person than it is to come out as LGBT! Asking an LGBT person to go back to church - to
  reconnect with their spirit - is like asking an abused wife to go back to her
  husband. We have to change LGBT people's PERCEPTION of spirit. We
  CANNOT relinquish the spiritual realm to those who oppose our equality. It
  is more important than ever for LGBT people to come out spiritually."
  

Randomness, Down in the Valley

The very busy, hectic, break neck pace has continued but is now beginning to abate. And so am I. Very tired, a bit down. Not sure why.

I am having increasing trouble focusing on work stuff. I'm finding I want to be alone and sleep more. Some of the pressure and hours worked of late may explain some of that. I hope it's not much more. I don't want to go back on the antidepressants . . . . again.

Everything seemed to zero in on the first week of February. And I could not get it all done. One thing I believe that I have missed is the deadline for a job application. Bummer.

I don't really want to leave where I am or the area in which I live, but I know that it might be best for me to do that. In my line of work, it can easily take 12 to 18 months to go through the job change/transfer kind of stuff. And it's always iffy.

Randomness:

• Huckabee as a VEEP? Oh God save us!
• The trouble with John McCain is I think he really is an honourable man.
• Hillary or Obama? Not sure yet. I was really hoping John Edwards would go a little further
• This is the earliest Easter has happened since 1908. And it won't happen again till 2145.
• I am ready for Spring, or more snow, one or the other.
• Earth Fare is my favorite market, though I can barely afford it. They have a great food bar at which i eat supper almost every night. They also have free wireless!
• So, right now, I've finished my super duper whole grain dark chocolate hippy granola chocolate chip cookie. OMG, they're good! and I'm blogging
• And, I'm glimpsing a cute hottie two booths away. I judge him to be quite straight, but very pleasant to gaze upon.
• Many members of the Family seem to shop here. I've had a number of knowing looks and nods. Not solicitous, just gaydar in action.

Well, one can tell I have little to say, right now. My profundity (if ever I had any) is exhausted

And so am I.