Still standing

Hello, all.

I am out of the house, but not exactly out of the closet.

This past weekends was one of the most painful I have ever had to endure. Much anger, much sadness.

My wife and kids are sad and angry. Very angry with me. That's appropriate, too. The graceful thing is they love me to where they will tell me their anger. And, we know we love one another such that we will work through it.

Love and prayers from all have helped. I look forward with joy to real hugs one day.

Shalom. Joe.

High Anxiety

This is a tough week for me. We are going to tell our children this weekend that "dad is moving out." This is really scary. I don’t know how my children will react. Oh, I know they’ll get over it eventually. Maybe they’ll come to see how it’s "for the best." Still, it is an intense situation that ups the anxiety level.

There are a couple of friends I might get together with, but I know I’m just wanting to act out. I really want to medicate the feelings. Addiction lives!

Sunday or Monday, I move out of the house where my wife and children live. I'll be "on my own." That has some great appeal to it, but I'm scared as hell. There will be some relief, some more time on my own without feeling like I'm "being watched." But what will I do with all this freedom? Will it just become an occasion to act out, to behave like the addict I am, to engage in all sorts of activities that will only bring me down further?

I've got a lot of confusion about what comes next, too. I work for a religious non-profit. The Big Boss tells me I need to make sure I am "continuing to be a wholesome example" while I am separated. If my gayness gets out, I could be in a heap of trouble. I could lose my job. So what do I do? Just ignore it? Do I have to concern myself with even "being seen" with some one or ones?

The fear of being outed is greater now. In the past, I could have probably gotten away with denying anything. I'm a good enough liar that if accused of something, I could turn it around and blame the accuser. I'm a fine, upstanding man of integrity, right?

Well, that is exactly what I want to be, what I desire deeply. So, if accused now, I would admit it. I am gay. No denying it now. But that confession could end it all, bring me and my whole family down.

The "acting out", the misbehaving, the descent into addiction, I see how that it dangerous and potentially "fatal." But must I keep my distance from anyone gay? from any gay support group or activity? Is it just from sexual activity that I must refrain? Or is any "sighting" or association with gaydom a potential risk for me? God, it is all so unfair. This too, is injustice. But I knew the job wouldn't be easy.

Coming out takes longer than I hoped. I've waited this long. God, help me surrender my impatience.

Metaphors and Thresholds

Before I was born, my mother had some kind of "brain episode" which left her paralyzed on her left side for a period of several weeks. The diagnostic tools of the mid-fifties could not determine the cause, but she made a full recovery. A result of this episode was weakness in the muscles on her left side. So at my birth, I got stuck. The obstetrician had to reach in, hook his fingers under my arms and pull me out.

This story about my birth has been a metaphor for me. But I've always seen it as a negative one: When I get stuck in a tight spot, I'm always waiting for someone else to pull me out. Making big changes is too difficult for me. The change has to come from outside, pulling me along.

But now my thinking has changed. Call it a revelation, or an epiphany. Crossing thresholds is always difficult and always involves many folk. It is a community activity, of a sort. I have to push, but it is not about my efforts alone. Others must push and pull to get the job done.

We think we know everything about the universe. Before birth, it is all warm and watery and dark. Sounds are muffled. But then the space gets very tight, then tighter still. Our world, as we have known it, ends. We are squeezed into a very tight place, all the water goes away. Suddenly it becomes very cold and noisy and bright. We must start breathing, crying, moving. New sensations. A wild new world, completely different and scary.

Birthing is like that. We come to know all about this new universe, and then things get very tight. Things change again. And again. And again.

Still, with the crossing of every new threshold, it takes the help of others to bring us through.

Tension

Tension at home is beginning to grow thicker as we move towards the date at the end of the month for telling the children and my moving out. Am I ready for this? Well, I think most of the "plans" are in place. My wife is getting more and more anxious. When she gets anxious it comes out as anger and increased desire for control. Have I done this? or that? and don't we have to think about the other thing, too?

I'm not a great one for planning ahead but know that it is very wise to do so. But can everything be planned and scripted? I think not. Still, it may be best to try, to ease her mind and to help me not open my only only for exchanging my feet (and I have very big feet).

I am most afraid of leaving only to descend into my addiction: sex. Sure, we all want it, but when it becomes something that begins controlling your every waking moment, it's addiction, and it kills.

I can't squeeze work in between fantasies and pornography. I can't work out time with my children amongst hooking up with guys. I can't exist with this addiction to lust constantly trying to take over my brain. It kills.

This is my greatest fear. That I never really get a life, or learn about true intimacy. Sorry for the whiny post, but that's where I am this minute. Feels like I'm running from myself. Running from intimacy. Running.

Serenity to accept, courage to change, wisdom to know. Please.