Never Flagging

Up and down and up and down. Things move on. Today is a good day. I am grateful. I have found some folk for whom I can house sit for the summer (actually, through November - they summer in New England). So, that really relieves some of the financial pressures of moving out.

Thanks for supportive comments about my PA. It is doing well. It is for me an important "ritual" action, claiming my own body, claiming my gayness. Even though I have my days still of wishing it would all go away, things do get better.

I was encouraged to find the illustration of a certain flag flying with the Episcopal Church flag. Ye Ha!

I can't believe it, but I did

A gentle reader urged me (kindly but firmly) to "get over it." Well, that's easier said than done, but his point was good. I think I tend to blog when I'm really down. But there are some "up" times, too. There are a lot of ways in which I amaze myself in that I'm able to keep going as well as I am. ADD can have its gifts. So easily distractable, whenever I am down, it's not long before I'm distracted and off in another world. So, the journey continues.

We ADD types can be subject to impulsive actions. I am sure that adds into my addiction stuff. But there is one thing I have wanted to do for a decade but haven't. So, with calm centeredness and deliberate intent, I did it this week. I got a piercing.

I'm surprised I didn't chicken out; amazed I did not flinch; in complete wonderment at my determination and calmness. And I cannot tell you how excited I am about it. Much research, reading, questioning has gone into this. I may live to regret it, but it can always be fixed. Unlike a tattoo (one day) this is not exactly permanent.

With what I do every day, with children at home, etc., I have thought is wise not to get a piercing that is easily seen. Even my nipples might well show to family, and they'd freak out! So, this had to be done discreetly and where it will be seen by few, but known by me.

Why on earth do such a think? Hard to explain, I suppose, beyond "I just wanted to." For me it does provide a way of making a statement, albeit a concealed one. But I know it's there!

And now, you well may think I'm nuts. It didn't hurt nearly so much as I feared. And, it's healing quickly. I got a PA. Can you believe that?

Alleluia

Happy, joyous, freeing Easter to one and all. Alleluia, He is Risen! The Lord is Risen Indeed! Alleluia!

Personally, I'm not feeling much sense of resurrection. Actually, I am in the very pit of depression. Today, I slept much of the day, just a sign as to how little energy I'm feeling. And yet, I know that I'll make it, this will pass, Christ is risen for us continually.

Here is a prayer from the Human Rights Campaign's website, "Out in Scripture"

Great Resurrecting God,
may we see in the real lives
of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people
the truth of your resurrection power and possibility.
May we roll back every stone
that continues to entomb any part of your creation.
May we invite you to re-create each one of us
until resurrection and liberation prevail for all. Amen.

What's important? I am.

I'm back from our mission trip and had a great time. Sure, it was hard work, but that never hurts. To see some of the devastation that remains along the coast and to speak with those who survived it was quite a moving experience. It certainly gives perspectives to all the stuff we worry about every day. Is it really that important?

One thing happened that really stirred me up. One of the director-type persons who runs the program of which we were a part seemed to me obviously gay. Tall, thin, a little bit effeminate. Some stereotypical "gay traits." Of course, I could be wrong, I had little or no contact with him. And I do not mean to cast aspersions on any one. But this is the point: In a discussion of how the program was run, some other volunteers wanted to make suggestions on how it might run better. They said, "We could talk to XXXX (a woman director-type), but I don't think she would do anything." I suggested they talk to the other director-type, the (possibly) gay man. These very straight guys simply rolled their eyes and said, "Oh." It seemed obvious to me that they thought him of no consequence because he was queer.

Of course I could be wrong about all that, but the incident drove home to me how I may well be completely dismissed by many straights simply because I'm gay. Well, duh! I suppose I've known this in my head, but this hit me at a deeper level. The reality of the cost of coming out hit home, and it hit hard.

Oh my God. What am I in for? This and some other things have sent me into a real funk. It feels like I'm jumping into a black hole. I know this is largely about the real injustices of life, but now it is becoming personal. It's me who will be the recipient of this. No longer abstract, this is real. What am I in for?

And, the realities of separation from my wife is looming large. I'm scared. I know I will make it through, but the feelings are close to the surface.

With all of these feelings and my reflecting on "what's important," I have to say that this issue is important to me. I am important, I have much to offer, and I refused to be dismissed. What will be, will be. The losses will be mine, but the losses of those who may dismiss me will be even greater.

Cheers, Joe.