Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Unhurried pace, Deliberate speed

I've always liked roller coasters. Riding the real kind is so much fun. Riding the emotional ones is the pits. It's been like that, emotionally. My energy level and such are up today, feeling good, feeling hopeful. But a few days ago, it was another story.

It seems I always pull out of it, and that good. I wish I didn't have to pull out of so much.

I'm sure whoever may read this thing may have noted my picture on the last post and that I have removed it. Mainly, I deleted it for "security." I long to be very open, out, and about; but that ain't the case yet. I want to be in control of the outing process, as much as I can. I don't want it to control me, because so much damage could be done to ones I love.

And, I had a bit of a smirk on my face that didn't jive with the intent of that posting. I have nothing to smirk about in the changing of my relationship with my wife. While I am relieved that she has made this shift in her thinking, I can't say I'm "happy" about it all. There is still that part of me that wants to wake up and have it all be a bad dream.

And then there is the other part that wants to wake up and have the whole outing process over with. I can't pretend to go back in the closet. And I could really out myself in a big way. But that would be just as damaging and false as pretending it wasn't there.

Slowly, surely, onward we journey

But with unhurrying chase
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy . . .

(from "The Hound of Heaven" by Francis Thompson)


Brian said...

No need to rush things, Joe. You'll find the pace you need to progress. This is a kind of evolution and won't be rushed any more than it can be stopped. Pause. Breathe. You'll find your pace. I'm rooting for you.

Tom said...

Amen Brian...

I made the decision only after all other roads were cleared...

I still hurt people that I loved (I don't think you can do it without that side effect), but I was sure that it was best for me, my mind, and my soul. Not to mention my health, as I was suffering from chronic anxiety attacks.

You take the time you need. It all works out, trust me...


Ur-spo said...

two steps forward, one step back; you had the boldness to post it, so you have high marks for that!
happy hallowe'en to you.!

bear said...

That was a courageous move and you have a right to unpost it too. (I wondered if that was you but wasn't sure for a second.)
Outing will be the same way, you'll show yourself, and maybe second guess it and want to take it back (not so easy though.) You'll waver whether you should have or not.
I do recommend you take your time and carefully think about TO who. Small steps. In some cases you'll wonder why you waited really.
Someone wrote this to me recently and it made a lot of sense. Something to keep in mind:
"Some will accept you, some will be indifferent, some will reject you. These are ALL good things really..."

Brent said...

I am with you on this post. Since coming out to the wife and family, it has been way up and way down, but as time has gone on the ups and downs are milder. I'm sure there will be some more pain, but all in all I know it was the right thing to do.
I have felt the same way about it being a dream (or nightmare). We are taking it extremely slowly. Some people that know the situation, I'm sure, are confused, but other than the fact that I would like to sleep with men, I haven't changed and I remind my wife of this whenever things are...weird.
Sorry didn't mean to blog on you blog.

Anonymous said...

The great thing about this process is that you are moving "forward" it may not be easy, but progress is being made. New realizations are coming forth and lives are still together, that you still have support.

This process for me at 21 was difficult, I can imagine what it is like so much later in life, but I applaud you for keeping up the writing. Marking prgress is important to be able to look back at concrete words that show you where you have been and show us where you are so we can both know where you are going next.

One day at a time my friend. You are not alone.


Bigg said...

I wish you only the best on your journey, my friend.