Thursday, October 19, 2006

Not If, but When

My week away had several benefits, one of which was some time apart for my wife and me. We do love each other, and that makes it all the more painful trying to figure this out. But, there are some things we simply cannot think our way through. Certain things just cannot be “figured out.” On occasion they must be “lived into.”

So it is with our relationship, I think. I so wish that all of me could love her the way most of me already does. If our marriage were disastrous, coming to terms with separation would be (somehow) “easier.” (Or would it? I can deal with my own pain; it’s the pain of others that drives me to my knees).

But our time apart helped my wife, particularly. She told me the other night that a shift has happened for her. Simply put, I believe that she understands (as best she can) that I am different. I am gay, and there is no getting around that, no getting over it, no working through it, and no living with it together. She realizes that we are talking separation/divorce. It is no longer of question of if, but when.

Truth sets free. Maybe the only thing that sets us free. And the realization of this truth, for both of us, liberated us to talk, to express affection for one another, and to begin thinking about what next.

Still, there is far to go. Much to be done. Issues/concerns/challenges to be faced. But now I have hope. Hope. The journey continues. Posted by Picasa


Anonymous said...

Bear, I truly feel for you and your wife. This cannot be fun by any extent of the imagination. I am going to be bold enough to say that I think both of you will be much happier once everything is out on the table and the situation can be dealt with honestly and in a care filled manner. There will be times ahead that will probably not be overly cheery, but when you can stand up with your integrity intact, it is then that you can truly love.

Ross said...

I like your statment that truth is the only thing that sets us free. We can make ourselves prisioners of our heads until we can face and name the truth.

It sounds like you and your wife are facing a truth together, and discovering where that will lead you. It's still not easy, but it takes away the painful waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm still praying for you.

Ur-spo said...

indeed - the journey continues.
but some of the spooks are away; pains you may have but they'll be more 'real' than the 'what if' pains up until now.
Good luck

Anonymous said...

Truth is so pure in this post 'n' I admire that deeply. Though I'm not in the same exact situation you're in, we're still on the same journey to really find ourselves, 'n' the age barrier doesn't exist. Best of luck to ya 'n' I hope the both of us find our inner selves.

Wow, doesn't that sound so trite that it's sickening?

The Troll at Sea said...

Dear Toasted Bear:

How glad I am to hear that you have hope. And can try to find a way forward in love. The break-through moment for us was when we realized that the only thing we could do to express our love in our mess was to set each other free.

Whatever way you find, if you walk it with loving concern, it will not lead you far wrong. And truth will be your companion.

My thoughts and feeble prayers are with you both.


Anonymous said...

I believe that when faced with a choice or a situation not unlike your own, that two people have "grown into" a solution. Amicable resolutions are so much better for the children involved.

At least you did not RUSH into something final, but you grew into this by growth of two adults. This is very admirable and noble. To see the truth, to sit with it and understand the complexities and finer points. And now you can move forward with your resolution and solution.

I wish you both peace and love. This is never an easy situtation to solve, but I think you both are fine examples of what CAN BE instead of what was.

Your wife "came to understand" and you waited for her to come to this point. You are very noble. I hope now that you are here you will try to understand your ways into a workable future where your children are loved and she is loved into whatever life they choose to follow, where you can be a part of their lives still, and you can move on to the life you deserve, after so long a wait to find truth and serenity.


Steve said...

Your story, and the evolution of your own self-understanding, so very much parallels Mel White's story in Stranger at the Gate. They loved each other; they knew (in their case, from a reasonably early age) that he was gay. He fought it as long as he could, and she stuck by him until it was clear that it was time to go.

They divorced. They worked hard to be one set of parents to their kids. Sounds familiar, eh?

In the community of recovery, our text says that the even the people who are mentally-damaged can recover. The only ones who can't are the ones who can't be honest with themselves, or with others. In retrospect, I'm astonished that I didn't either drink or die.

In Gentle Closings: How to Say Goodbye to Someone You Love, Ted Menten talks about people who come to acceptance, and finally peace, about the need to say goodbye. In his case, it is one who is dying, and one who keeps living. But in the end, what you're talking about is the only death that can lead to resurrection and new life. Perhaps you and your wife have come to the point that setting each other free is the only way to create life from death.

As one who is still coming out, and still taking steps daily or weekly, I congratulate you, brother. The gay theme, "SILENCE = DEATH," is so true for us who have lives so long in the closet.

Don't let it be you.

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the stresses, etc., in your life right now, but I also sense the relief and in a strange way I have a sense of envy. My best to you, friend.

john said...

It must be somewhat of a relief that she understands. You must have such tremendous respect for one another to be amicable about this and to not become bitter towards one another.

Billy said...

That's a huge step of understanding for both of you. Congratulations.

jim said...

As I read through these posts you wrote years ago, it's almost like you are in my house. I too love my wife very deeply, but know that it won't work itself out. We love each other and enjoy our time together, but we know it won't work out. We do not fight, yell, or bicker (much) and except for me being gay, we would have a perfect marriage. But we know it will not work out.