Unhurried pace, Deliberate speed

I've always liked roller coasters. Riding the real kind is so much fun. Riding the emotional ones is the pits. It's been like that, emotionally. My energy level and such are up today, feeling good, feeling hopeful. But a few days ago, it was another story.

It seems I always pull out of it, and that good. I wish I didn't have to pull out of so much.

I'm sure whoever may read this thing may have noted my picture on the last post and that I have removed it. Mainly, I deleted it for "security." I long to be very open, out, and about; but that ain't the case yet. I want to be in control of the outing process, as much as I can. I don't want it to control me, because so much damage could be done to ones I love.

And, I had a bit of a smirk on my face that didn't jive with the intent of that posting. I have nothing to smirk about in the changing of my relationship with my wife. While I am relieved that she has made this shift in her thinking, I can't say I'm "happy" about it all. There is still that part of me that wants to wake up and have it all be a bad dream.

And then there is the other part that wants to wake up and have the whole outing process over with. I can't pretend to go back in the closet. And I could really out myself in a big way. But that would be just as damaging and false as pretending it wasn't there.

Slowly, surely, onward we journey

But with unhurrying chase
And unperturbèd pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy . . .

(from "The Hound of Heaven" by Francis Thompson)

Not If, but When

My week away had several benefits, one of which was some time apart for my wife and me. We do love each other, and that makes it all the more painful trying to figure this out. But, there are some things we simply cannot think our way through. Certain things just cannot be “figured out.” On occasion they must be “lived into.”

So it is with our relationship, I think. I so wish that all of me could love her the way most of me already does. If our marriage were disastrous, coming to terms with separation would be (somehow) “easier.” (Or would it? I can deal with my own pain; it’s the pain of others that drives me to my knees).

But our time apart helped my wife, particularly. She told me the other night that a shift has happened for her. Simply put, I believe that she understands (as best she can) that I am different. I am gay, and there is no getting around that, no getting over it, no working through it, and no living with it together. She realizes that we are talking separation/divorce. It is no longer of question of if, but when.

Truth sets free. Maybe the only thing that sets us free. And the realization of this truth, for both of us, liberated us to talk, to express affection for one another, and to begin thinking about what next.

Still, there is far to go. Much to be done. Issues/concerns/challenges to be faced. But now I have hope. Hope. The journey continues.

Well, Blogger doesn't seem to want me to add pictures using Blogger, but it seems to work through Picasa, so here is the picture that was supposed to go with the last post. Cheers, dears. 

Not out, but not in

It's National Coming Out Day, and I look longingly at the closet door -- from the inside. But there is a crack. There is a ray of light sneaking in. It is beginning.

I've just returned from my week of reflection, education, and discernment, sponsored by my "employer." What a week! It had some very relaxing elements to it, but it was quite intensive. A lot of work was done in eight days. Some plenary time was spent in looking at the kind of work we do and the emotional labor involved, labor that can be very draining. We talked about physical health and its connection with work and life, taking a very holistic view. There was time for spiritual work, as well. I spent as much time as I could getting in some hiking (well, walks in the woods).

The week moved toward our writing some goals and objectives for our lives and careers. It was a great exercise, but I am not a linear thinker. It was like I was pulling my own teeth, trying to get me to sit down and focus like that. Even taking my meds (I am ADD, big time), it was hard to sit still. Nonetheless, I made a beginning to it. Goals for me and the years ahead.

But being one who lives so much by the seat of his britches, returning home has been tough. It is easier to be goal-minded and resolute when you are in a secluded environment, where someone takes care of the meals and the details of life. Now that I am back home. The realities of the "outside world" catch up to me. Back to the routine, the everyday, the miserable.

How can I even bring myself to speak of my life as miserable!? I have so much for which to be grateful (and I am), that I should cut out the whining. But living in the tension of that closet in which I find myself is becoming more and more depressing.

I know that a decision point will have to come soon. I have been putting it off. And yet, so many have urged me to exercise caution and "take it slowly." Even on my week away, a trusted leader of the week urged me to take the time to "live in to this." Take the time to make the internal shifts necessary, he urged.

If I come out and everybody hates me (which I don't think likely, not everyone, anyway) I wonder how much that will affect me, since I have spent so many years hating myself for being gay. Now I am just hating myself for hurting so many people (potentially and already).

Oh, G-d, I'm whining again. Gratitude, patience, faith, trust. These are things to hang on to, to ive with, to act on, to practice.

I am grateful to all those who have gone before, paving the way for me to make a choice, to know that there will be life on the "out side". I pray blessings upon all those who will this day take the courage to come out, to be free, to live as G-d created them. Bless you, and pray for me.

Some day soon, I will open that door all the way, and dance into the party!