Friday, June 16, 2006


I am such a pleaser. I "just want everyone to be happy." Oh, how I can hear my mother saying those words as if that were the point, the goal, the reason for life. Make everyone happy. Don't rock the boat. "Son, now, don't say anything that will upset somebody."

So, I haven't. I don't. And I regret it. But to disabuse myself of the idea that I will die if I upset someone is difficult. Convincing myself of the truth has not been easy. It is a struggle I've lived with, and it seems the struggle will continue.

To "talk big" or "bark loudly" doesn't mean I've learned to bite.

I have to work all weekend. Shucks. Again. I'm getting a little squirrely and need to take some time for myself and go for a walk in the woods.


A Troll At Sea said...

Bear of Mind:

Good to see a post. I was beginning to worry. Go for a walk, kick a can, sing a song you like.

I was singing "Or Am I Losing My Mind?" on my walk the other day; the woman I passed was startled when I said, "Good morning," but then said, "Well, I DID hear you talking to yourself, but I figured you were on a cell-phone."

Now why does that strike me as funny?


bear said...


I'm a pleaser too...not sure where that comes from. I think maybe as a Christian, we learn other's happiness should come before ours. To be selfless servants to the needs of the others - altruistic like Christ.
But when the truth comes in conflict with "pleasing", a struggle ensues.

Louis said...

I tried so much to please, not rock the boat any further, that I got to apologising when someone kicked me, in case it hurt their toes.

Its a pointless act.

Ross said...

Maybe us pleasers need to realize that who we are is what pleases people, more than what we do.

I write it like it's the easiest thing to remember. If it were, maybe we all wouldn't be such pleasers.

A Troll At Sea said...


Thanks for the Eichenberg. Hang in there, and don't forget you are surrounded by loving friends.


john said...

I'm somewhat the same. I don't like rocking a boat and I don't like people around me to be stressed.

Brian said...

I like pleasing in that I like looking after people, but I can still hear my mother saying, 'Don't rock the boat' and there's me with the bath plug in hand and she's settling by the bows.

Can we date?

nonsequitur said...

I was raised to be a pleaser too. I learned many things about this social style... The classic lesson,"You can please most people most of the time, but you can't please everyone all the time." I also learned that expending so much effort to please everyone can leave you exhausted, dried up, and angry at those who took so much out of you. To the other extreme, I became so sick of pleasing people that I started repelling all the people who came into my life because I viewed them all as potential leeches, many of these good people were not even the source of my problems. And my final lesson learned on this topic has been about balance... leeches become easy to spot after a while, learn to avoid them... give what you can, but don't drain yourself dry. You may lose a few friends when you stop being a complete giver/pleaser, but you will be more at peace when you are in a position where you still have a bit for yourself when you are through giving.

As a giver, visualize yourself as a vessel, serving drink to others... if you are working at a suicide pace to serve everyone... without keeping yourself clean and in good repair, you begin to corrode & leak, and after a while, you are so cracked that you are useless for holding liquid any more. Learn how to set boundaries with your giving and take time out to keep yourself in good repair... it enables you to be a more relaxed, efficient giver. :)

nonsequitur said...

BTW... glad to see you are still slogging away with the rest of us. :)

MEK the Bear said...

Perhaps it's the pagan in me, but I've learned the only way to please others is to please yourself first.

Love yourself, then you'll be able to love others more effectively, give into your needs first and you'll be able to give to others more readily. That's my philosophy anyway.

Hope you get a break soon, big hugs!

Pisco Sours said...

I'm still stuck in that pleasing-everyone mode myself, and not sure how to snap out of that.