Forgive the lack of posts. It has been a busy month! Tonight I am off for "parents' weekend" at my daughter's college. I have missed her so much the past 6 weeks, it will be very good to see her. But this involves a 500 mile drive. Ugh.
From there, I am flying to Richmond for a "business meeting." Actually, it is a week-long sort of a workshop sponsored (and paid for) by my employer. It will be a week of discernment about the job I do and what shape it might take in the future. I've heard from colleagues that it is a wonderful, helpful, supportive, encouraging experience. Still, I'm a bit anxious.
It will have nothing to do with present employment; it is not an "evaluation." So, I know that I won't be called on the carpet or anything. And, I plan to be truthful about where I am in my life, both personally and professionally. But I am not feeling very good about the job I'm doing right now, even though I generally get good feedback. Sometimes I wonder why they are paying me at all. I have been such a space cadet, such a sloth.
I am fearing there will be a lecture about how I need to "buckle down and focus." I am fearing comments such as "all you have to do is. . . . . . "
I have been through a lot, accepting myself as gay, coming out to my wife, my boss, and a few close friends. All these years I've tried to be someone else. I don't want toa hear about what I "need to do."
I know I'll survive it . In fact, it will, most likely, be a wonderful experience. At least I get to fly! I haven't been on a plan in years.
Meanwhile, life goes on. The weather is beautiful, great for hiking in the woods. There will be time for some rest and recreation at my meeting next week. My transportation will be limited, but what do you do in Richmond, VA? Any ideas?
8 comments:
I hear you about feeling like a space cadet. I had so much trouble getting things done. What is worse, is not being able to tell people why you are being a space cadet. The usual statement when I came out to people (finally) was, "That must have been so hard!" My brother stated it best; he said, "So that explains why you have been such a jerk." *I love my brother!*
The only thing you need to do is take care of yourself!
All other things will fall into place in time. You've been through a lot lately and it's a tough road, so I'm really glad to hear you'll be getting a little time to yourself for a little relaxation and spending some time with your daughter.
Have a safe trip and a good time.
it was good to see a new post from you!
I've not been to Richmond but I would want to see any Civil War sites.
It's interesting to see you write that you don't feel like you have accomplished anything. After this statement, you go on and list a BIG list of huge steps you've undertaken. Perhaps these items do not directly apply to your job, but they do take a lot of emotional time and energy.
You have been very busy, my friend. It just doesn't always show up on a performace review.
Joe:
Remember that my uncle could not believe that I had been depressed for six months to a year because I had been able to accomplish a few things. Well, they looked pretty small to me, but they loomed large to him.
I suspect the meanness of your achievements is all in your [clouded?] mind. Time to sit down and watch a movie that makes you laugh out loud. I got that Vitamin OL from "Little Miss Sunshine", but it might not work for you.
Hang in there.
We're all rooting for you.
And enjoy the workshop for all it's worth.
T@C
You're evolving Joe, we all are. Your accomplishments are huge. Downshift a little and give yourself credit. I was thinking this afternoon that the only way I was going to get a love life was to become a Congressional page, how daft is that? Just knowing you know about where I am does me a world of good. You'll find your way, no worries.
Joe:
Sorry I didn't read your blog earlier (I just found a link to it from Brent's (A Journey by Mayself) blog.
I hope you had a great time in Richmond... I moved there in '99 and "came out" all the way there in '05.
You seem to have a few very intuitive friends here in the blogging world. Do what they recommend and enjoy your "New Life" the adventure has just begun for us all!
Tom
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