Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Cried

I saw "the movie" and I cried. It was so painful on so many levels. Maybe it's a little different if your out, maybe one can critique it from a very different perspective, more as art than life.

But for me, it was all too much like life, even though Ennis and Jack and I have lives that are vastly different is most ways. I've never been to Wyoming. I haven't been on a horse since I was 5. And (significantly) I have never had a relationship with a man, only brief, nameless encounters. You can guess . . . .

But I yearn for it. So, I cried. Of course, I cry at a lot of movies. I cried for me. I cried for them.

I yearn for it, that deep, loving relationship with a man. I have a significant relationship with a woman (my wife) whom I love dearly. How do I put into words what the difference is, though I know that difference like I know my own face. It is radically different, but as yet, I cannot find a way to describe or delineate or adeqately differentiate. How strange.

I am guessing that any reading this (both of you, maybe!) will understand deeply what I am saying here. But how to put it into words. Mystery.

Anyway, Brokeback Mountain was a good flick. And I cried; for me, and for those whose longings go beyond words.


Michael said...

As I said on my post, I didn't cry. That doesn't mean I wasn't moved. I certainly find your emotions familiar, though, and your fumbling words articulate. I got to watch the movie with two gay friends, one of whom is my Partner (coming up on our arbitrary two-year anniversary). I am blessed with a far-flung web of gay relationships, some sustained by the blogosphere supplemented by personal e-mails. Others by visits and cell phones. I am blessed not to be as alone as you may feel yourself at this point on your journey. That reality is pure gift. May it come to you.

One of the most touching moments in the movie for me -- perhaps when I came closest to tears myself, in fact -- was when Jack showed up full of happy hope after Ennis got divorced, only to have to drive away in tears because what he had thought would happen did not. His tears as he drove to Mexico... I never made that trip (or experienced the empty sexual encounter it signified), but I know well the ache of longings unmet, and of potential relationships thwarted.

Hugs and (chaste) kisses.

Ross said...

I also didn't cry, but that's only because, as my (female) friend put it, I have a "cold, empty tin chest with a stone for a heart". I'm just not a crying person.

I also have started to think about this movie on a generational level. I think this movie speaks very well to you becuase I'm guessing that your personal history can match this couple's.

You are right to point out that people who are out will have different reactions, but the world that I've grown up in is quite different. It's also different for you. Brokeback ended in the 80's. Ennis doesn't yet have the opportunity to create a community of peers on line.

You have found an outlet for yourself to express your feelings in words...unlike Jack and Ennis. You have built yourself a community that will support you in the coming out process. That's huge. These guys never had that opportunity.

Still, it's OK to try...actually, I often wish I could. I'm glad you liked the movie.

cajun said...

Just found your blog via Straight, Not Narrow. Please go here and read this amazing analysis of BBM - it is not a review, and it will probably make you cry all over again.


cajun said...

Sorry, forgot to include the link:


Blessings - again

gratefulbear said...

I cried several times during the movie, especially at the end.

The one thing that didn't ring true to me was the initial sex scene. There was none of the awkwardness or tentativeness that comes with a first encounter (whether gay or straight). Those boys acted a little too experienced for me to really believe that was their first time.

Above all, the movie made me deeply grateful, as a gay man, for the times in my life when I have followed my heart and been true to myself. I am grateful that I live in a time and a place where it is (relatively) safe for me to do so.

Anonymous said...

Wow...I just read your profile. We have quite a bit in common. I'm a bisexual, monogamous, Christian, divorced bear with kids. I have a blog over at livejournal...nlotic dot livejournal dot com and moderate a group called bears of faith (http://community.livejournal.com/bearsoffaith/).

Feel free to e-mail me at nlotic at yahoo dot com.

Mark said...

Just wanted to take the opportunity to comment and say "Hi" and "I understand your journey" 27 years, 3 children and came out at 47. I remember the roller coaster ride immediately following our decision to divorce. So I can empathise with what's happening in your life right now.

My prayers are with you all.

my LJ