Catching Up

I am reading Michael Thomas Ford's book Full Circle.  A fan of his work, I am finding this the best yet.

The main character, Ned, reflects on his life, growing up gay in the 60's and onward.  Ford weaves a great tale.  Ned would be the age of my oldest brother, not much more than me.  

What would it be like, growing up gay, and knowing it?  I can't imagine.  Though I know I am not alone, sometimes I feel it.  I know a number of gay men around my age (I'm 54), but most came out when they were younger. Even those who, like me, had been married.  I feel like, "What do I know about this?"

I guess I haven't earned my "street cred."  I just haven't had much time to fully embrace all this, embrace me.  I know, it will come. 

As I seek to begin to think about the possibility of the idea of being in relationship, (beyond friends, beyond "playmates", into the deep stuff) I get scared.  But also, I don't know where to begin: with my heart, my mind, my spirit.  The body part I got figured out.   That I can do.

Knowing where to draw lines, where to cross them, what they encompass, what that restrict.  Is this a "date" or just having a meal?  Are we talking friendship, or open to more possibilities?  Making love? Or just playing around?

And, are we still friends?  just friends?  More than friends?

I am trusting this will work out.  I will learn.  I do trust.  But I ain't got lots of time to work all this out.  Not lots of time for hit and miss, learn-as-you-go, next times.

Gay Wisdom

Finding about about gays and lesbians down through history has been helpful and encouraging for me.  I urge you to check our Gay Wisdom.  You can reaceive an email everyday with bits about famous (infamous) GLBTQ folk,  Plus occasional articles and news.  Publishers of White Crane Journal, these folk do a great job. 

The daily emails are free.  And, you can subscribe to White Crane, if you want.  Or just give to support this valuable resource.

And in other news . . . . .

Regarding my last post and comments I received, let me comment on a comment from Lemuel.  His advice is wise. 

I don't want to get too "pushy."  I know the balance is delicate.  Part of the irritation for me is that some "customers" may just disappear, and I know I have no control over that.  How do I balance talking about it, and leaving it be?  I want folk to talk instead of just avoiding me, or the issue. 

But I can't control any of it.   Wait, watch, and pray. 

Whose business

We've had some discussion at my place of business about me.  Coming out.  The boss is gay!  He's queer.  OMG!

Hasn't been that dramatic. But is has been serious.  Things are still (generally) going very well.  We are feeling the pinch of the economic crush.  )At least I'm hoping it's the crunch and not about me. Probably a bit grandiose of me, but, well, hey.)

At our "board" meeting, I asked "how things are going? what are you hearing?  any fall out that we need to talk about?"

Of course, again, the old paen that is really isn't anybody's business.  Of course it's not.  That's right.  And i can't believe what I said back to them:

"Well, no.  It may not be anybody's business.  But straight people seem to make my life their business.  I'm the one living with the condemnation, the secrecy, the hiding.  "Don't ask, don't tell" is easy when it's not your life."

Oh, my.  I'm not sure it came out that clearly, succinctly, or (actually) forcefully.  But it's the gist of what i said.  Yes.  I am going to make it my business.

I'm gay.  And I'm here to stay. 

It really helps me to say that.

Thanks

Thanks for tall the comments and warnings I received on my last post.  Yes.  I do know that dangers, and I plan to heed your warnings.  I'm not really interested in this person who works with (and for) me except as a friend. The vibes I'm getting from him make me cautious.  I think he is interested.  My bad is that I can be such a flirt, sending signals that aren't meant to be taken seriously.  Well, not too seriously.

Much to learn yet have I.  And then, there are all the excuses we make about "Oh, I'm different.  I can handle this.  This situation will be different."  Such dangerous stuff.

My coming out in the work place has allowed this man to talk about his being gay in ways he never has before.  Maybe it's freeing for him, too.  He has worked there far longer than I have, and is quite secure in his job. It is a very specialized field he's in, and he is only part time, and much beloved by our "customers / constituents".  Several years older than I, I think he's lonely. 

So, it really would be a sticky wicket for sure.  

The task is continuing with a friendly, yet professional, relationship, as another gay person on staff . . . . . . that's going to be a chore.

Sticky Wickets

OK, it's getting warmer.  The snow is going.  The sap is rising.  Yes, mine, too.

Tonight at a function at my place of business, where many people show up for dinner and a program, we had beer with supper.  Now that's a little different, but not unheard of for us.  We are a fun crowd.

I was the program, or I should say, I was presenting the program.  It was entertaining, basically accurate, lively, informative, and entertaining.  Well, I am entertaining. 

There is someone with whom I work, another gay man, who seems interested in me.  Hmmmm......  There is, however, a small problem:  we work together.

Well, actually, it is one very big-ass problem:  I am kind of, well, his supervisor.  Oh hell, I am his boss, the boss, the Big Boss.  This kind of thing could prove very sticky (and not in a good way).

I like him.  He is nice.  But I'm not  . . . .  I don't know.  It could be ethically challenging.  I am SO glad I'm not a congressman.

Why the Green Man tonight?  Well, why ever not.  Hope for Spring.

Learning to Breathe

It still doesn't feel so much "better," but it is better.  I know.  There is weight upon me still, and not in a good way.

At a recent business meeting, I talked with a colleague about it all.  It's like, now that I am out, there is no need to hide, no more pretense, no more faking it.  No more pretending.

And that's it, exactly.  No more pretending.

It seems like grief.  It feels like mourning.  I've given over so much energy (in the past) to bottling all of this stuff up.  Now the pressure is off.  The weight lifted.  And there's a bit of emptiness.  I'm saying any of that is bad stuff; I'm just describing how it's feeling.  Different.  A little empty.  I can no longer pretend I am something I am not.

So now, it's discovering who I am.  What does it mean.  And, yes, there is still a part of me that longs to be "typical."  By that I mean, "straight," married, happy family, promising career, etc.

[I'm coming to dislike the word straight as meaning "heterosexual."  Straight has too many other fine uses.  And I know a lot of straight people who are bent in their own ways.  I prefer the term typical because that is the norm.  There are more of them than us.  That kind of life is more, well, typical.  There are limits to that word, too.  But for now . . . . .]

I am mourning. And I can't pretend any more that it will ever be so.

Now, mind you, this is not regret.  I regret many things in my life.  But what is past, is past.  Can't go back, re-do, un-do or anything like that.  I don't regret my children, or event he many good years I had with a very good wife.  This is not regret.  But it is mourning.  Grief.

And there is much to celebrate, too.  And I'll get on with that, in time.

This is all new.  In this case, new IS good.  Now, I'm discerning how life will look, feel, be.

Another colleague said I'm beginning to breathe in new life.  New air.  New.

And in other news, it has snowed some more.  I'm ready for Spring.
You know, I'm ready for a lot of things.  Bring it on.

Lent Out

Generally, all is well. Though there is still adjustment to being out.  Friend says, "be gentle with yourself."  I'm trying to take that advice to heart. 

I'm up to my ears in stuff to get done.  I'm navigating carefully at work so as not to be too flagrantly "out."  By that I mean, I want to give folk time to absorb it all, to see how things turn out, to see where the chips fall (so to speak).  As the saying goes, when the shit hits the fan, it is not thereby evenly distributed.

I know, many may think, "Why bother. Let'em deal with it."   Well, that's the way I am.  And it's such a different kind of job.  And, I have come to like getting paid.

Weather has been a pain, but it's warming a bit now.  Snow is still all around but melting.  Today it got to 45 degrees and feels like Spring!  I (and others) are enjoying it!

Taking time off next week to visit with friend N.  He flies in on Monday and here from a few days.  I have to work some, but taking most of the week off.  I'm looking forward to some relaxing time.

There is so much (so much) in my life that has changed in the last few months, let alone the last five years.  When I step back, I can hardly fathom it.  Perhaps now, I'm expecting too much too soon.  All in good time, my pretty.  All in good time.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears.  Trust.

Trust.

Snow going

I am SO ready for Spring, and no more snow.  We don't usually get 10-15 inches at once, and it doesn't usually stay around so long.  But this year . . . . .

February and March are typically our big times for snow.  I know I'm getting old 'cause I don't want to go play in it anymore. 

Well, maybe if I had someone to play with  . . . .  (mope, whine, complain).

Out. Where?

Well, so I'm out.  All these folk I work with and for.  The silence is a little eerie.  I'm feeling a cold shoulder here and there, and I know some folk are avoiding me.  Not cruelly, but probably necessarily, for them.

For years, I've been plowing through this stuff.  For them (many of them, anyway) it is very new.  New information about me.  Different to face some one well known to them and realize, "Oh.  He's gay!"  How are they re-playing our history together, re-interpreting things, actions, words.  Are folk putting a different nuance onto everything they've known about me?

Probably.  I hope they'll get over it.  I have no control over it anyway.  So might as well let it be.

My journey to come out - all the way - has been a very spiritual one.  Entering into a place of radical trust.  I want to remember where I've been so I can recall where I'm going.

Ugh.  So serious.  Well, I'm over all the snow we've had (and may yet have).  Where is Spring?  I need some warmer climes (or something . . . .).  At least friend N. is coming from Europe later this month.  That will bring some sunshine. 

Cheers, for now.

Not so bad

The Great Outing is going well.  Mostly, amazing support and affirmation.  Some concerns and questions from a few.  But generally, it's going very very well.

I'm still adjusting.  After so many years of a "double life" of sorts, it is a challenge to bring those lives together.  And,  I realize how my "lives" need some congruence.  This is a challenge.  I am feeling that the once-hidden life can't go on the way it did.  I'm out, now.  And, I am out.  So, no pretending, no hiding, nothing that might endanger my job.  It's a call to some new, honest, authentic behaviors.

This brings up a lot of new questions:  How do I feel about getting into a relationship?  What about monogamy?  What about playful friends?  What about celibacy? 

I'm going to take the time to discern this new life, just as I've taken the time to discern how, when, in what way to come out. 

In working with my "constituents" (or "customers"), it is painful when some of them cannot accept me as gay.  For a (very) few, I am suddenly not good enough. Well, so be it for them.  I've listened and tried to be non-judgmental, non-anxious, and not get angry.  Even though some have expressed some old, out-dated, terrible things - all the old stuff about "recruiting", immorality, suggesting that I chose this.  No logical, fact-filled argument will convince anyone.  It is, in a sense, a matter of conversion of the heart more than the mind.

Here's hoping.