Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Ain't Dead Yet

It has been years since I posted regularly.  I keep thinking I'll get back to it. So much has changed.

I took early retirement, and so, I'm living on a small pension, cutting expenses, moving in with others (sharing a house), facing some health issues.  Limited funds.  Savings dwindling.  Living with scarcity is not a good place to hang out.

And it has been a scarcity of soul as well as funds.  And that's even scarier.

The ongoing journey goes on: to love myself, accept myself, choose happiness, find life. To Live on the side of gratitude.  To Know that I am beloved, blessed, worthy.  Just the same stuff.

So, some gratitude:
Years ago, I blogged.  There was no Facebook.  Through reading and being read, I have made a number of friends that have continued into the spheres of other social networking media.  I've had the chance to talk, write, meet many folk I'd never know.  I am very grateful.  Many of you have carried me along in ways you know not.

As soon as I figure out how to post some pictures, I'll add something illustrative.  Since I moved into the Mac world, I ain't figured some stuff out.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Fear, trembling, and new paths ahead

I'm getting ready to move, to end a job, to get rid of most of my stuff, and step into something new.  And I don't know what it is.  I'm trusting i'll know it when I get there.

So, I'm working through a lot, with a lot of trust, and a large dose of fear and trembling.  Ugh.

Tonight is one of those fear and trembling times, and attempts at trusting, feeble as they may be.  Ugh.

Letting go.  Of just about everything -- so it feels right now.  And being open to new things (which aren't really "things" at all, that I know).

So, though there may be few to none who find this blog again, at least I'm writing.  And trembling.

New adventures.

Friday, July 11, 2014


The fight for Marriage Equality will be won.  Maybe it already has been, essentially.  Now there is the wait until it moves around the country, state to state.

While I am happy that it is happening, I don’t know that I want to get married, right away.  (Of course, with no partner or even a boyfriend, it will be a wait)!  Just because we can (or will be able to) doesn’t mean we should, right away.  There is a reason so many straight people are waiting.

Marriage is a legal contract undertaken by, and with, the State.  (As a clergyperson, I don’t want to be the officer for anybodies’ weddings, gay or straight.  But that’s another matter).  It has benefits and responsibilities.  It’s really much more than just “I love you.”  

The Backlash is coming.  People do not fear change so much as they fear loss.  And straight white male privilege is crumbling.  Many frame it as being “under attack.”  And so it is, and needs to be.  Retrenchment is taking place. It will be severe.

And, while we may “win” rights to marry, there are so many other “-isms” out there that will tighten up, hunker down, take strangle hold where they can.  Sexism. Racism.  Patriarchy.  Economic privilege.  If we want justice, it must be for all.  That cause is one we must continue, expand, and embrace.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Viewing problems; problems viewing

No one can "push our buttons" or "jerk our chains" more than parents, or children.  I am sandwiched between both.

View from Room 411
Still in ICU with my father.  He can be mean and ugly.  So can I.

In so many ways, we are nothing alike.  But of course, actually, we are.  Yeah.  He brings out the shadow in me.  To see it, own it, learn it, accept it: that is the task; to turn that power toward benefit; to use that energy, instead of letting it burn me.

The view ain't much.  But my vision is increasing.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Time out

When in critical care units, elderly folk sometimes get a little crazy.  Or a lot crazy.  When one is a little crazy to start with, it can be . . . really interesting.  And not always in a funny way.  My father does not suffer from dementia, but he is a little crazy.  At the best of times, he manages OK.  He's able to find the pause button.

The past two days, not so much.  While he has a better side, can be quite engaging and charming, he also has a mean side.  With the "ICU psychosis" going on, he doesn't bother with the pause button.

He is very angry today at me; and being very mean about it.  While I know this is about him, and not about me, still it ain't easy to take for long.  He has dismissed me from court; "get your queer ass outta here."  Oh, well, OK.

The angry looks, and words, and gestures are all coming from his anger over life, the universe, and everything.  It's not about me.  In fact, I have been told that I have a really nice queer ass of which to be proud. (That is not an observation he has made, nor do I wish to hear from him).

Nonetheless, I need to take care of me.  While my head understands, my heart hurts.  The well-trained, very kind, and competent staff in the critical care unit can take of him for now.  I'm taking care of me.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


The past few months have brought forth in me some serious re-appraisals of life, the universe, and everything.  Some big shifts are beginning.  And this is a good thing.

One serious endeavor that I've undertaken is to stop drinking.  This has proved to be more than I can handle by shear willpower alone.  And I've sought help and found it.  This is a good and positive thing.  Not what I expected, not where I'd "planned" to be.  Does anyone?

And it has been going well . . . . .
And then, in the way that families seem to work, the spirits move, things shift and other things seem to want to drag you back where you were, doing what you were doing.  In Family Systems Theory, if one member of the system seeks to make changes, the other parts of the system will attempt to pull that one back into the established homeostasis.

It is not conscious, it just happens.  Nobody is thinking, "how dare you change."  The funny thing is, none of them even know about the changes I've been making.  It is the spirits, the humors, the angels, or demons.  Who knows which.

So, my 90 yr. old dad becomes ill and is admitted to the hospital.  And gets worse.  Now, in a critical care unit.  While dementia has not been one of his health problems, he is suffering from some "ICU psychosis;" not so unusual for elderly folk.  But it is maddening for me.  He wants to leave, but he is not begging.  He is demanding.  He has always been a demanding sort.  Not always a nice guy, really.

Damn, this is pushing my buttons.  Remaining calm, cool, and non-anxious is difficult.  And, Oh would I like a drink.  Several, actually.  But that will only make things worse.  That I know.  I'm hanging in.

It's going to be a long night.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

And now we begin again

Well, friends, it's been years.  I am still alive and well, and even better than that. I hope to start blogging again, so thought I might aw well see if I remembered the pass word!

This being a (somewhat) anonymous blog, there are things I feel safer sharing than on, say, Facebook (oh, the scourge of it).

Finally, I accepted myself as gay, around 2004.  Separated from my wife in 2007.  Came out at work in January 2010. What a decade this has been.  I have learned so much, and learning still.  Experiencing so much.

Always there are thresholds to cross; the closet threshold was a major step.  But there were more, and are more.

The latest threshold in into sobriety.  More later.  Cheers.

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Why would I follow this?

Sorry to have been away from posting for so long.  Life gets busy, and Facebook gets in the way, too.

Today, I got this comment message. Sadly, it's "anonymous", but perhaps a response here may be helpful.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Still there. Home soon": 
Hi. I was going to follow you, but read on your bio that you are a christian. For the life of me, I cant understand (on any spiritual level), why you would follow this faith? With so much more spiritual (kindly) leanings, why? I have nothing against you at all, but I would like an answer from a Gay person. It feels to me like there has to be a strong submissiveness in you? I mean you only kindness. I hope you understand. 
 First let me say I am grateful for your kindness and understand your dilemma. But, trust me honey.  I'm as gay as it gets.  I'm happy to chat.  I'm not what you seem to think.

The public face of Christianity in this country (maybe in the world) is of those who make the most noise, get on TV more, make headlines.  The loudest voices are the ranting, brain-dead, fundamentalist.  The Roman Catholic Church with its sad patriarchy and rigid theology makes the press, too.

That's not all there is.  Many times, I wonder if some of those noisy, condemning, rigid, judgmental asses even believe in the same God I do. But there I go being the rigid, judgmental one.  Hmmmn.  It ain't easy.

I, too, sometimes fear calling myself a "Christian" because of the comment (and judgment) such a claim elicits.  Perhaps it would be more accurate to say "I'm a Jesus-Follower."

But, dear anonymous, please know that being Christian does not mean being stupidly submissive to a rigid set of rules and judgments.  It doesn't mean that to me, or for me, or in me. In fact, it's quite the opposite.  It is a call to use my mind, to struggle with the Holy One of Being in deep relationship, and to live a life of acceptance, love, peace, and justice.  I can't do those things without that relationship.

I do not feel smugly superior or have some "product" that I want to sell you or think you "need." I will say (and I think I hear it from you) that as human beings we are spiritual journeyers.  And, I don't place judgments on what spiritual journey you may be on.

I don't know that I can or need to justify to you why I am Christian.  It's not (for me) something to "convince you" to accept or a debate to "win."  I believe true Christianity is very kind, gentle, challenging, frustrating, joyful, and life-giving.  I can sure understand how that may be very difficult to see in the public face that is put forth by so many who call themselves Christian.

It's not about submission, but surrender.  It's not about rigid religion but relationship with the Holy.  It's not about judgment, but justice.  It's not about loathing, but love.  Well, that's as alliterative as I can handle.  Most spiritual journeys are about those things.  But any of them can get really f#$%d up.

Let's talk more.  Don't dismiss me out of hand.  My email's in the profile.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Still there. Home soon

I'm still in South Africa and been blogging about my trip.  It's been quite a journey.  Spiritual and otherwise.

While I won't say it on the other blog, I can say it here:  There are some really woofy men in South Africa!  I've not gotten to know any personally, but I can observe and rejoice in the wonders of Creation!

On an outing today, to a beachside town, while admiring, a little "woof" escaped my lips.  One of the brothers with me just said, "down boy.  Behave yourself."  Good to have understanding monks.

Cheers, all.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

I'm there

I made it.  I'm in South Africa!
You may want to check out my goings on here:  Wild Sabbatical

The new blog is open to the world while The Mind of a Bear continues to be anonymous.  Help me out with this and don't cross-reference things. Though all are welcome to read and comment.  Though it may be boring.

Cheers all.