Urge to Kill

Ive been in another city, visiting with my father and stepmother. He had some minor surgery, no big deal, but when you're nearly 85, anything can seem like a big deal. And, he has an incredible flare for drama!

His surgery, normally outpatient, has meant an over-night stay for him. Thank you GOD! He is a terrible, incorrigible, grumpy, and very impatient, patient! He gets so needy and yet so demanding. When I'm around, he wants to do it all himself; when he has a hard time of it, it's all my fault. When a friend comes to visit, he's helpless, all of a sudden.

He has the innate skill to push all my buttons, jerk all my chains, rub everything the wrong way.

I'm proud of myself; all those years of therapy haven't been for naught. I did not kill him. In fact, I did very well.

I'm so glad to be home!

Being, Doing

As it has been said by others (and I can't remember whom): What it means to be gay has been largely defined by the straight world against which we see ourselves. THE defining attribute is sex: what we do with our genitals. I know it is more than that, but that is one big, hairy, defining thing (at least I am LOL).

It is more than just "same sex attraction", but we know that seems to be the big presenting issue, the symptom (if you will) of being gay. If we cannot precisely define it, how might we describe it?

I will be coming out to my teenage children. Without giving too much information about sex (they may have way too much as it is), how do I define, describe, delineate, talk about, help-them-understand what it means to be gay.

We know how to do gay, how do we be it? And what do we say about it?

Your thoughts, ideas, comments, resources are invited. Please.

Just Grow up! Oh, is that all.

Advice on how (and when) to come out to my children has been coming at me from several sources. They are not altogether welcome but important to listen to. Important, because it comes from some counselors with some familiarity with the situation and with coming out stuff. Not altogether welcomed because I'm (overly?) sensitive to such criticism, intended as critiques.

I want to focus on the children (older teenagers) and their needs. But when I get critiques (criticisms) that I'm being "too self-focused, too narcissistic, too focused on my inner struggles, not focused enough on them" I get confused, depressed, and I want to run away. (Yes, I know that is not the adult response, but it's still what I want to do).

So, is this what I say, "I'm your father. I love you. I'm gay. That's why we're getting a divorce. Any questions?"

How do I talk about me and focus on them and not reveal too much and respond to where they are (of course I have no idea where that is)? How do I be the parent and not try to be the friend or make them confidants (inappropriately).

I think I'm not a very good parent, sometimes. But trust me, they could have done a helluva lot worse! I feel like I need to "grow up" so much more than I have. I am feeling the scared little kid yearning for hugs. I have to be the adult, the parent, the responsible one.

I know this will take time.

I have a lot of growing up to do. A lot. And fast.

And More . . . .

Among the old buildings in our downtown is one called "the Flatiron Building," named for the more famous one in New York. This one is not quite so dramatic (nor do I think Daniel Burnham was the architect). The playful sculpture in front is, of course, commentary on the name. It's a popular venue for street musicians.

This next building is the old S&W Cafeteria. Closed for many years, the building is now being developed into expensive condos for the rich and famous (or at least rich). This is one of the most colorful facades downtown. The coffered panels of the arched entryway are a beautiful deep blue. I've never been inside, but pictures reveal spaciousness with lots of art deco detailing.

And, of course, some new buildings are going up. This recent addition is not the most pleasing to the eyes, but I suppose it could be worse. (It is across the street from the Flatiron Building, the corner of which is seen on the left). It is very displeasing to the budget, however, as it is (once again) expensive, "luxury" condominiums. I guess we can thank the rich folk for feeding the local economy. If only those of us in lower paying service industries could afford to live here!
Like I've said, this is a great town. And, it's an open and accepting sort of place, too. There is a sizable gay community (particularly lesbian community), quite a few artists, crafts folk, organic farmers, musicians, you name it. It's a great place to live!

Affordable housing is in very short supply which is sad. We have poverty, crime, and all the other things that go with a small metropolitan area. Environmental issues such as air quality are concerns, as well. But still . . . .

Come visit. But don't even think about moving here!

More road trip

We have lots of old commercial buildings saved from the wrecker. And, since we are a very "funky" town full of aging hippies and new-hippies, we have lots of "earthy" businesses, activities, etc. There is lots of craft folk, artist, musicians, and more. It's a great place to live, and mountains, too!

An old department store, revitalized as Earth Guild. Every crafty stuff you'd ever want.


















The old Woolworth's is now an artists cooperative. But there still run the snack bar inside, just like the old days!

Road Trip

I live in a really great town. Taking Tuesday off (since I had to work this weekend, I took a road trip which I thought I'd share with you the next few days.

Our town had a big hey day in the 1920's. When the crash came, everyone was too broke to tear anything down. So, we have a lot of really nifty buildings from that period of architectural significance.

This is the county courthouse (not so interesting) and the really neat City Hall.

And we have lots of interesting characters, too.

More later. My Picasa blogger post isn't cooperating.

Brother Visit

My brother is in town visiting for a couple of days, and we got in a long hike today. Beautiful weather, glorious sunny day, nice four miles or so in the woods.

Turns out, he has a lot going on in his life that has really been dragging him down. It' not exactly comforting to me to know that others have troubles, but at least there is a weird sense of affirmation that I am handling all my stuff more successfully than he is dealing with his.

Perhaps it is the nature of siblings to be somewhat competitive, but I don't mean it that way. I'm not glad that I am "handling it better." Really I'm sad about it; but there is part of me that wants to say, "buck up, dude; just get over it. It's not such a big deal." Of course, it is his deal, not mine. And it is big to him. And I am trying to listen and not give much advice.

I love my brother very much and want the best for him. I know he loves me too, and he certainly hasn't cast me into outer darkness after coming out to him (a year or so ago). But he never seems very interested in my life, only sharing about his.

We'll get there. It will take time, like all of this process. Time, and patience, and grace.

After all, I did offer to take out to a bar tonight, but he didn't seem interested. Why?

Coming out agian

I am still working on the letter to my children telling them their dad is way gay. How 'bout we start with "a little bit gay." They don't need to know everything yet. As they mature, I want to let them know some of my struggles and misdeeds.

Families are as sick as their secrets, and I want my family to be as healthy as we can. But there are no quick fixes or easy ways out. I grew up with too many secrets, too much silence. The elephant(s) in the living room went ignored and unnamed far too long. This is no easy task and risks much., but it will be worth it.

My teenagers have been brought up to be open minded, inclusive, liberal, accepting. They each have friends or acquaintances who are gay. But when it's Dad . . . . .

Talk about a big "reality check!" The reality they have always known will be called in to question by this reality they have not known. If they distrust their perceptions of life, of me, of what is real, will they question my love and commitment to them? Probably, but I hope only fleetingly. Of course it will shake things up, shake them up. My prayer is that they will come around (and quickly) to see that I share this to help them get a better grip on reality. I share it all because I love them.

To clarify something: I am writing a letter but only to help me focus my thoughts and choose my words wisely. In June, their mom and I will sit down with them, and I will read it to them. This will help me stay on track and not go off on a tangent. Hey, I am ADD after all.

We used this plan last summer, telling them about our separation and my moving out of the house. That was a shock, too. But at least the younger one "saw it coming." I ain't so sure "gay" is on their radar. We shall see.

Spring Sprung

Here is my backyard. The Rhododendron are blooming as well as a few azaleas. Note my nifty keeno bird feeder pole. I am really enjoying the birds, trying to identify new ones. Cardinals, blue jays, and robins are easy enough. But the eastern towhee is a new one for me.

Update

Busy busy busy. Much stuff, more work
Beautiful Spring, flowers blooming. I'll post some pictures.

I'm writing a letter to my children on telling them I'm gay. This is the big Coming Out. It won't happen till early June, but nows the time to think. Any suggestions?

How much to tell, and what not to tell. I've been dealing with this for a long time. For them, it's new info. It will take time for adjustment.

And lots of tears, I'm sure. But it will be good to tell the truth and be able to live it with them.

A flame azalea, irises, near my work