Road Trip

I live in a really great town. Taking Tuesday off (since I had to work this weekend, I took a road trip which I thought I'd share with you the next few days.

Our town had a big hey day in the 1920's. When the crash came, everyone was too broke to tear anything down. So, we have a lot of really nifty buildings from that period of architectural significance.

This is the county courthouse (not so interesting) and the really neat City Hall.

And we have lots of interesting characters, too.

More later. My Picasa blogger post isn't cooperating.

Brother Visit

My brother is in town visiting for a couple of days, and we got in a long hike today. Beautiful weather, glorious sunny day, nice four miles or so in the woods.

Turns out, he has a lot going on in his life that has really been dragging him down. It' not exactly comforting to me to know that others have troubles, but at least there is a weird sense of affirmation that I am handling all my stuff more successfully than he is dealing with his.

Perhaps it is the nature of siblings to be somewhat competitive, but I don't mean it that way. I'm not glad that I am "handling it better." Really I'm sad about it; but there is part of me that wants to say, "buck up, dude; just get over it. It's not such a big deal." Of course, it is his deal, not mine. And it is big to him. And I am trying to listen and not give much advice.

I love my brother very much and want the best for him. I know he loves me too, and he certainly hasn't cast me into outer darkness after coming out to him (a year or so ago). But he never seems very interested in my life, only sharing about his.

We'll get there. It will take time, like all of this process. Time, and patience, and grace.

After all, I did offer to take out to a bar tonight, but he didn't seem interested. Why?

Coming out agian

I am still working on the letter to my children telling them their dad is way gay. How 'bout we start with "a little bit gay." They don't need to know everything yet. As they mature, I want to let them know some of my struggles and misdeeds.

Families are as sick as their secrets, and I want my family to be as healthy as we can. But there are no quick fixes or easy ways out. I grew up with too many secrets, too much silence. The elephant(s) in the living room went ignored and unnamed far too long. This is no easy task and risks much., but it will be worth it.

My teenagers have been brought up to be open minded, inclusive, liberal, accepting. They each have friends or acquaintances who are gay. But when it's Dad . . . . .

Talk about a big "reality check!" The reality they have always known will be called in to question by this reality they have not known. If they distrust their perceptions of life, of me, of what is real, will they question my love and commitment to them? Probably, but I hope only fleetingly. Of course it will shake things up, shake them up. My prayer is that they will come around (and quickly) to see that I share this to help them get a better grip on reality. I share it all because I love them.

To clarify something: I am writing a letter but only to help me focus my thoughts and choose my words wisely. In June, their mom and I will sit down with them, and I will read it to them. This will help me stay on track and not go off on a tangent. Hey, I am ADD after all.

We used this plan last summer, telling them about our separation and my moving out of the house. That was a shock, too. But at least the younger one "saw it coming." I ain't so sure "gay" is on their radar. We shall see.

Spring Sprung

Here is my backyard. The Rhododendron are blooming as well as a few azaleas. Note my nifty keeno bird feeder pole. I am really enjoying the birds, trying to identify new ones. Cardinals, blue jays, and robins are easy enough. But the eastern towhee is a new one for me.

Update

Busy busy busy. Much stuff, more work
Beautiful Spring, flowers blooming. I'll post some pictures.

I'm writing a letter to my children on telling them I'm gay. This is the big Coming Out. It won't happen till early June, but nows the time to think. Any suggestions?

How much to tell, and what not to tell. I've been dealing with this for a long time. For them, it's new info. It will take time for adjustment.

And lots of tears, I'm sure. But it will be good to tell the truth and be able to live it with them.

A flame azalea, irises, near my work

Late Bloomer

Church rummage sale yesterday! I found a National Geographic from 1965 or so, and I remembered it! I grew up looking at all the pictures and reading the captions (and maybe some of the articles) in Nat'l Geographic. I knew them frontwards and backwards, and all the pictures.

You'd think I'd have figured something out, way back then. As I flipped through this particular edition, I remembered all the pictures of the men. Men with their shirts off, men with beards, men in uniforms. I remembered them.

But I did not understand. even though is has been SOOO long, I am so glad I understand now!

Friday, I traveled to a big city in a neighboring state to meet a friend. We had a great time walking around town, through a park, having lunch and supper together. We talked and talked and had such a great time! I realized how I can sometimes be a little giddy when I'm with a man, feeling a bit like a teenager. After all these years, when I am with another gay man, it feels so comfortable and so natural, I am taken aback. Now I've finally figured it out! Now I understand! I am so glad I did.

All those years of Nat'l Geographics, and the other boys would looking for the native women with breasts hanging freely. I wash looking for the men with beards, with penises in view, with their shirts off, with furry chests. Finally, I figured it out!

Fair to Partly Cloudy

Spring has finally arrived to stay (at least this week). And for that I give thanks. Still, some clouds close in as I think about the future (please know I try to think as little as possible, but sometimes, it just happens).

I have pondered trying to explore the possibilities of coming out at my present job and hoping I could continue. I think that is less likely to happen. Some of my reticence to move is most likely my distaste for job searches, my comfortableness where I am (to a degree), and the beautiful area in which I live. And, my self-esteem sometimes drops to the level of "you don't want to hire me, do ya?"

At least today is beautiful, laundry is getting done, chores are underway. Shirts come off, construction workers are out. . . . Oh, well, you know. There are many handsome, furry, beefy men around these parts. And at least I can look.

Prom

Ok, I know that I'm not the only gay man who lacks the "fashion gene." But I do have the urge and the delight in an "event." Tonight is my youngest daughter's prom! She looked beautiful in a long, satiny, yellow dress with an overlay of more yellow stuff with polka dots. Don't know all the terms. It was sleeveless, off the shoulder, beautiful. Of course, I am way biased!

As is the way they do things these days, she went without a date and with a gaggle of friends, some with dates, some without. Safety in numbers. When I had a prom, (35 plus years ago!) one wouldn't think of going stag. I am really glad that has changed.

Oh, the proud pappa I am; truly blessed with great children.

Scottish Bar Stool

Today is a better day. Up and down and up again. And, to show you I have not lost my sense of humor, here is a picture of a Scottish bar stool. What every kilt wearer should have.

I'm about 5/8 Celtic (Scotts, Manx, Irish) and very fond of kilts, both wearing, and watching men who do.

Actually, they are very comfortable. And, as I like to take some easy day hikes, they are great!

No foolin'

Yes, it's April Fools' Day. But I ain't foolin'. Today is struggle.

I am SO tired of being "needy," of struggling, of feeling frazzled. So much energy gets focused on just getting through the day, I don't seem to get much else done. I'm not doing my job very well. I am glad my organization can keep right on going, which it has. I have been able to get done enough that things are running. But I am running down.

I waked up at four a.m. with some real anxiety stuff running through my head. Things with family, things with me, feeling cornered, hopeless, trapped, just wanting to run away.

I haven't, of course. I didn't. I'm here. Some prayer, quiet, prayer, and some more prayer, got me focused enough to get going today. One day at a time. today. just today.

Prayer for me is not about "asking God" anything in particular. It is about conversing with, being in touch with, realizing the presence with me. And so, I have.

As a dear blogger friend commented to me, from something learned in his past, "God does not save us from drwoning only to let us die on the shore."

Today. I will make it today.