Switching Tracks

My father worked for the railroad. He used to have a large brass key used for the switches in the train yard. The heavy, weighted arm on the switch helped you actually move the tracks. A lot of strength was needed to lift the weight, but then it actually helped your move the tracks as the weight went down on the other side.

Changing things in life are like that. Weighty, requiring strength to get things started. And still strength is needed to complete the switch, but it's nice to have some weight to complete the task.

Then you just have the train to move.

I stole the picture from Slobot. Hope he won't mind.

Too often I live out of a sense of scarcity. I am not enough; I do not have enough; I cannot be enough. This mindset seems to exclude any sense of grace, or love, or Love. This thinking leads me over the edge, into the abyss. It follows from old training. I must do it all, be all, figure it all out on my own. Not one is there to help. No one is there.

God calls us to live out of a sense of abundance. God loves, enables, engraces, gifts, and provides. I am good. I can. What I need is available to me.

Old Thinking:

I think I never have enough. I'm not good enough. I do not have what it takes. I don't even know what it takes! I am deficient, inadequate, inept, and so on. It just gets worse.

New Thinking:

I have enough. I do not have all things or gifts or talents, but I have enough.
God has provided what I need to do what I'm called to do. I am loved. There
is nothing I can do (for good or ill) that will make God love me any more, or
less, than God already loves me.

Making this switch in thinking and being is not easy, but possible. It is not instant, but gradual. It is part of the journey.

I know how to love. I am learning how to be loved. This is a tough task. The transformation I need is not about becoming someone else, but healing the wounds to become who I am.

In Memphis

Well, it's "take the daughter back to school" time again, and I find myself in Memphis for the night. She brought her car back, and I rode with her (ain't lettin' my girl drive all that way by herself). So, I fly back home tomorrow morning. Gees, this trip is costing a sh--load of cash!

She's worth it.

So, I'm stuck in hotel near the airport for the evening. But I have TV, a rare treat for me. Maybe I'll find some trouble to get into, but probably not!

The new year is off to a bang. I'm making a shift inside, moving towards abundance and away from scarcity. More on that next time.

Cheers, all.

Good reads

I've just finished reading the novel Changing Tides by Michael Thomas Ford. A really good read. As a late-blooming gay man, with a teenage daughter (and a 20 yr old, as well), I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It's the second novel by Ford I've read, the first being Looking For It. Also an excellent read.

Since I don't have cable (and antennae don't work in these here hills), I do a lot of reading. Now, I finally got a television with a larger-than-a-dish-rag screen, so I can really see videos. Tonight I'm going to delve into Henry VIII and The Tudors.

I might have to join NetFlix or something. But I'll keep my library card in shape, too.

Cheers for now.

Merry New Year

Some friends invited me over for New Year's celebrations tonight. A welcome invitation. I am looking forward to a great year ahead.

• I still have a job I like. but what will happen on that front?
• Oldest will be graduated from high school;
• and start college in the fall (two in college! Yikes).
• Obama will be a great president (no place to go but up, eh?).
• My divorce should be final in January.
• I forget resolutions, but I'll make a few, anyway.
• Later. I'll make them later

I served up some hospitality for a friend of a friend. Turned out I made a new friend, too. Indeed. Ever headed down this way, know that I have a spare bedroom and love to be hospitable. Of course, I have a big bed, too. But, well, anyway.

I will be glad to put 2008 behind me. How about you?

Best wishes, friends. Blessings for shalom for us all. Cheers!

Incarnation Happens.

Merry Christmas to all!

Back on meds, things are feeling better. This is a tough time of year, and it's a tough year.

Hey, incarnation happens in the messiest, toughest, and shittiest places.

Like a stable.

So, I got it good. Blessings on one and all.

Cheers and Shalom.

Blah blah blah

I've been gone a couple of days, traveling far and away to retrieve #1 offspring from college. It's a 510 mile trip. One way. So, all day traveling there (Tuesday). Pack car, head back, spend the night on the road, travel all the next day (Wednesday), to arrive for event at my work at 7 pm. Leave there at 9 pm. Home, crash.

Wake up, start over. This is a busy time. And all the stuff ain't done yet. But actually, I am beginning to feel a bit more Christmasy.

I've not gotten any shopping done. So, the next few days will be really hectic! Little money, little time, big creativity. So glad I'm gay . . . .

Better living through chemistry

This time of year is very tough for me. Very. So now, I'm starting back on the anti-depressants. Citalopram (generic Celexa - because the insurance company likes it). The side effects are troublesome. I think it's already lowered my sex drive (not too bad a thing, right now).

The worst is the delayed ejaculation. Oh, I can get it up, I just can't get it off! It takes quite a bit of effort. With exercised induced asthma, it's best to keep the inhaler handy!

No, I'm not moaning, just wheezing. What a life.

Hot Toddies

I've still got the crud. I think I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, a friend gave me a hot toddy recipe. Half rum, half bourbon. Butter and sugar. Well, forget the butter and sugar. Half and half, heated for about 20 seconds in the microwave, goes into solution in no time.

I'm not coughing! and I am sooooo drunk. Time for bed. nite nite.

[I'm a] Ho Ho Ho

I've been down with the crud that's going around. Not quite the flu (I've had my shot) but bad, nonetheless. I'm so glad they keep paying me.

As we approach this wondrous season, I'm too broke to even think about buying stuff to make presents. Tonight I've been opening up the bills and putting them in a pile. If I could think of something to sell to raise money, I'd do it. But it's just not going to stretch that far. I'll have to be busy working out payment plans.

I did get a new credit card from Target! Oh, joys! Now I can charge all my Christmas stuff (at about 28% interest)! This is really depressing!

Nonetheless, I am working hard to stay about the depression monster, trying to suck me down (and NOT in a good way) into the pit. Somehow, some way, I'll make it through.

Sometime this week, the folk who own the place where I live will be by with a realtor. That means I have to have the place all spiffy and neat. So they can sell it out from under me! I really don't think it's going to sell very fast, and not at the price they'd like. And I am sad about that. When they bought it, they had to re-invest some cash to stave off capital gains. But they bought residential mainly to give me a place to live. That was extremely kind.

Now, of course, the market has tanked, they'll never get their investment back, and it's all my fault. Well, I did not make the market tank. As with much else, this is all out of my control. I don't know much to do but let go of it.

I had plans to spend time with my youngest daughter this afternoon and evening, but she stood me up! I was really pissed about that. I'd planned on it, looked forward to it. Adolescents!

Well, enough. I'm not really a Ho Ho Ho, but if I thought I could make some money . . . . . For a good time, just call or email . . . .

Now, that IS funny!

I wonder - Living the questions

On public radio in our area is a wonderful show called Speaking of Faith. You may well have heard of it, or even heard it! Check our their website for all sorts of nifty stuff.

Tonight, host Krista Tippett interviewed Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. (You can read about her on the website.) I was so taken by the following quote, I downloaded the show and listened again, just for this bit.

I have no answers, but I have a lot of questions. And those questions have helped me live better than any answers I might find.
----Rachel Naomi Remen

She told the story of a man dying of cancer whose symptoms disappeared. Tumors, lesions, all disappeared shortly after he came to the hospital to die. All the testing, samples, questions, did not answer all the whys. They concluded that his chemo (ended 11 months before) had finally worked.

Her greatest sorrow, she said, was that she believed that conclusion for decades. She says she now realizes that she was in the presence of the greatest encounter with mystery she would ever see.

It called her to wonder what life in this world is really about, what is possible, what is actual.

Rather than saying "Oh, it's a miracle!" Her questions of wonderment speak to me far more powerfully.

To wonder. To trust. To hope.

Some poet said, "Hope is the hardest love of all."

Just some thoughts.