The stirfe is not o'er

When have I let things go by this long with no posting? I can't remember. Forgive.

Life has been very stressful, and I have been in the pits. Making it through last week was like slogging knee deep in muck. But I did it. And I am alive.

All that which I have not done, or done wrong seems to haunt me and hang over me to such a degree that all done well evaporates or seems inconsequential. Time off this week has helped me catch up on sleep, but not wellness.

Things seem to be piling up in a way that is suffocating. Ur-Spo's list gives hopeful things on which to focus. And, as my mother always said "Nothing is so good, or bad, that it lasted forever." Today there is life. I am grateful for that.

As Julian of Norwich said "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

I am trying to listen.

Come out!

The gospel lesson this morning was from St. John 11. The story of Jesus raising Lazarus (brother of Mary & Martha) from the grave. And Jesus shouted with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" Come out, indeed.

Come out. Hearing it this morning shocked me, I guess. COME OUT! I had this urge inside me to jump up and shout to everybody. "I'm coming out. I'm queer. I'm gay. I'm one of those." Really, it scared me. How close I came. even just thinking about it. But as I heard those words from the gospel lesson it was as if I was hearing them for me. Come out.

Last night I was really down. Alone and lonely. Having a pity party. I was wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe I should just see if everyone would forget about it and let me go back to "playing it straight."

Even in the midst of my deep sadness about it all, I thought "NO. You have done the right thing. The sadness now is not as bad as that sadness and entrampment you were living in."

Come out. Though it is very painful now and in the foreseeable future, it is the better thing. Living with whatever quiet authenticity I can presently muster is better than the loudest faking.
Even though I'd like to write about my wild and crazy sexual exploits, I don't have time for fiction! And, my journey has taken a decidedly spiritual turn. And this inward focus, though difficult, is the way for me to go. For now.

Come out! Indeed.

Not an Oncoming Train

The haze is clearing, a little bit. the past few weeks have been a time of burdensome busy-ness and spiritual ferment. I am exhausted.

So much is swirling through my mind and spirit. It's seems that a job change or transfer may be sooner rather than later. This is troubling, terrifying, and (a little) freeing, too. I am not in a "good place" to search for a job: from the bottom of a pit. I cannot imagine "marketing" myself right now. "You wouldn't want to hire me, would you?"

Economic downturn is frightening for us all. I work in the non-profit sector where funding depends on contributions, not endowment or sales.

This past weekend was a board retreat for planning, community building, etc. They wanted me to do it. I was a wreck! Gifts I have, but not that! I flailed about and grunted and groaned and sweat, a lot. But things seemed to go OK. We got done what we needed to get done. Then I was off to a "managers retreat" called by the local area manager. It was more time on the road for an overnight stay, but it was relaxing. I didn't have to do anything but be there. Now I want a week or so of doing just that: being.

What changes are on the way? Will I be able to find a job close by (to stay near my daughters), continue to support my family, not cause great controversy, still keep straight friends and colleagues? So many ifs.

Overload

Overload has hit. The breakers are ready to trip, the fuses to blow. Work, family, spirit, all have been full to spillage. And I'm having to clean up the mess!

Later I will write more, but there is so much going on, I am an emotional wreck. Oh, I'll make it, I'm not going to dissolve into a puddle, never to return. But, being hauled off to a place with a quiet padded cell, where they bring me my meals, sounds like a refreshing break.

Of course, I'm not sure how quiet those places really are, and the foods probably not that good. So, I guess I'll hang on and hang in a little longer.

Out of the randomness

My mind is whirling, whizzing, and boiling today, as is my spirit. So, here are some random, if incomplete, thoughts:

• Today, I’m having a difficult time with “church,” and even with “Christianity.” In the midst of all the shit, I know there is a core of truth, Truth. But it can be difficult to find, and very hard to explain or entice others to hear it, or see it, or experience it. But I know it is there, in spite of (seemingly) overwhelming evidence to the contrary.


• There is a thin veneer of Christian belief in the Church and in this nation, this so-called “Christian nation.” It is a veneer of being nice, as long as you behave like me. It would be even better if you looked life me, too. Yes, the thin veneer is there, but it has been used so cruelly to dominate, so misused to subjugate. The true joy, freedom, comfort, and challenge of the Gospel rarely show through.


• Conformity does NOT mean maturity, and vice versa. We get this sooooo wrong, sometimes.


• Sometimes I still wish to be a regular, old, everyday, straight guy. But that only happens when I see the cute dad with mom and the kids in the park, etc. I never think that in bed. Is it all about appearances?


• I’ve learned that it is true: Never judge you insides, based on someone else’s outsides. Appearances are always deceiving.


• And again, you have heard it said: What I most dislike in others is usually what I most dislike in myself.


• I want to fall in love. With a man. I don’t want to be a slut.


• I have never been able to focus long enough to do a meme. I have been tagged a few times but never managed to follow through.


• My closet is getting smaller and more and more uncomfortable. I pray for the patience to hold out (in) a little longer, until I can tell my children, at least.


• Honesty is the best policy. I so long to tell my children the Truth, that I am gay, and I love them, and I love their mother (as best I know/knew how) and it will be OK. How can I expect honesty from them, if they don’t get it from me? This causes me great pain.


• An excerpt from words by the Rt. Rev. Gene Robinson, Bishop of New Hampshire, to folk at the HRC offices in Washington, DC, as roeported at the My Gay Spirit website.
  
  

  “In some ways, for some reason" Robinson continued, "it is almost harder to come out as a SPIRITUAL Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender person than it is to come out as LGBT! Asking an LGBT person to go back to church - to
  reconnect with their spirit - is like asking an abused wife to go back to her
  husband. We have to change LGBT people's PERCEPTION of spirit. We
  CANNOT relinquish the spiritual realm to those who oppose our equality. It
  is more important than ever for LGBT people to come out spiritually."
  

Randomness, Down in the Valley

The very busy, hectic, break neck pace has continued but is now beginning to abate. And so am I. Very tired, a bit down. Not sure why.

I am having increasing trouble focusing on work stuff. I'm finding I want to be alone and sleep more. Some of the pressure and hours worked of late may explain some of that. I hope it's not much more. I don't want to go back on the antidepressants . . . . again.

Everything seemed to zero in on the first week of February. And I could not get it all done. One thing I believe that I have missed is the deadline for a job application. Bummer.

I don't really want to leave where I am or the area in which I live, but I know that it might be best for me to do that. In my line of work, it can easily take 12 to 18 months to go through the job change/transfer kind of stuff. And it's always iffy.

Randomness:

• Huckabee as a VEEP? Oh God save us!
• The trouble with John McCain is I think he really is an honourable man.
• Hillary or Obama? Not sure yet. I was really hoping John Edwards would go a little further
• This is the earliest Easter has happened since 1908. And it won't happen again till 2145.
• I am ready for Spring, or more snow, one or the other.
• Earth Fare is my favorite market, though I can barely afford it. They have a great food bar at which i eat supper almost every night. They also have free wireless!
• So, right now, I've finished my super duper whole grain dark chocolate hippy granola chocolate chip cookie. OMG, they're good! and I'm blogging
• And, I'm glimpsing a cute hottie two booths away. I judge him to be quite straight, but very pleasant to gaze upon.
• Many members of the Family seem to shop here. I've had a number of knowing looks and nods. Not solicitous, just gaydar in action.

Well, one can tell I have little to say, right now. My profundity (if ever I had any) is exhausted

And so am I.

The struggle continues. . . . . .

Still so much going on! And my cold went into a sinus infection. Yuk! But I'm now on an antibiotic and beginning to feel better. . . . .

And that's good because I have a mountain of work to do preparing for a weekend event I am helping lead this weekend! All weekend!



And then there is a new mountain of stuff for next week, too. Sorry to be short on posts or news or interesting stuff. But I'll be back (I promise).



Well, I'm still at work, preparing to go home and start all over. Oh, yeah, LAUNDRY!



Cheers to all.

Ugh

Such a bad cold. ugh. not again.

It's been very cold (for this neck of the woods), and we have had some snow. But, global warming and such, it turned too quickly to sleet, then some freezing rain. In the old days, we use to get more snow. Now, more ice. Very dangerous.

At least the snow is beautiful.

The interior of the building where I work is being painted, everything. Paint fumes. ugh. And there has been so much pressure at work. Meeting last night went late. Some tension. I hate being in charge. I don't really want to run things. And I wonder if I am running anything, or if it's running me.

Enough for now. More later. Later.

Don we now our gay apparel

On our recent "snow day", I finally took down the Christams tree. No ruch, right? I had so much help on ideas for decorating, I wanted to share a picture of it. It was very gay, but only in the seasonal sense. I would flunk the decorating exam for gay school. But I loved it.

Yes!

I meet once a month with a peer group, colleagues from other job sites who come together for support. We learn about "management techniques" and theory, and we each present a "case" from our job situation.

The group is great. They are good friends and have been very supportive of me in the last few years of ups and downs. It is a closed group; once we join it, no one else can just "drop in." The level of trust is very high, and so I have been able to come out to them. They have been great!

Well, it was my turn to present something at our recent meeting. Now, I'm one who seems to manage things -- I guess. I can't ever seem to think in terms of "theory" and plan with all the techniques in mind. I go with my gut (which is well-enough informed on the stuff) and lead with my soul. But I am always in doubt, sometimes feeling like I don't have a clue what's going on.

I gave my presentation with its attendant questions: "am I doing this right, or over reacting to that, or doing too much, or way off the mark?" And then they just looked at me. Oh no.

The feedback was "gees, I wish I was doing it that well," and "you've got the best intuition for this job, you just do it and get it right!" And, "you're doing a great job, don't let us ruin you with too much theory."

I cried. Really.

They know me well enough and know what I've been going through. But they also know me well enough to know that I want the truth. Don't just tell me things to make me feel better. I won't believe it anyway. Tell me the truth. They reiterated their feedback. I'm doing fine.

Why was all this so significant? Because of coming out, I know that I may have to relocate, move to another "branch." Being in a "sensitive" kind of job, I may not be able to be out and continue working with this same "client base." But I have been doubting if I can even stay in this business. Should I look for something completely different?

Now I feel like I have more options open to me than ever before. And I need all the options I can get.

Yes.