Keep me company

I'm excited about have a bit of company this weekend. (Well, for 24 hours or so).  Dr. Benton Quest and husband are dropping in for an overnight.  I love to have company and meet fellow bloggers.

My mood/malaise/merde is better.  Still many things to sit with, work through, embrace, be transformed by, and all that stuff.  Life can get so serious sometimes!  But never too we hope.

Work is a place where I have not been able to focus much.  Ugh. In order to provide some direction and relief in that quarter, I am taking vacation the next two weeks.  Don't know that I'll go anywhere (as that costs money), and I want to spend time with youngest child before the return of college days for her (and tuition days for me).  Maybe some day trips or overnights, here and there.

So life goes on.  The beat goes on.  cha cha cha.

Perhaps I'll have something more interesting to write another day.

Better than yesterday

OK, well, as much as I liked the "all black" template, I suddenly noted how many others are using the same thing!  I couldn't have that.  So, another template change.  Maybe a bit cheerier.  We can all use that.

Several kind, supportive comments have come my way, and I am very grateful.  I get way too serious on occasion.  Forgive.  Oh, it's all still there, but naming the struggle helps.  Lordy, I'm not all that bad off.  I'm managing.

Today I nearly lost it with mail-off prescription jerks I must use with my medical insurance.  Not such a big deal but complicated.  Details.  Explanations.  Things done clearly and in linear fashion.  NOT my strongest gift.  And, I hate dealing with folk telephonically.  I much prefer face to face.  Alas.

A friend visiting this weekend should help my mood.  I'll try not to spread my morose mood.

A new template - maybe

So, we will have a new look for a while.  Wouldn't it be easy if we could rearrange life as easily, with the click of a few "virtual" buttons.

Electrons on a screen rearrange so easily.  Life, not.

I've been in on of those moods. Depressed?  Well, not exactly.  More morose? Reflective?  Pensive.  Not sure. (I didn't know this was going to turn out to be multiple choice).

Life isn't always multiple choice.  OK. some words of a spiritual / religious / transcendent sort-of nature.  If that's not your bent, it's all right to leave now.

Darkness.  It seems to crowd in, sometimes.  All our short-comings, inadequacies, things-left-undone, self-doubts, etc. come crashing in.  Perhaps "creeping in" is better.  They sneak up on you.  You face the darkness.  And it ain't pretty.

Trusting in God seems a troublesome thing.  Where the hell is that holy and mysterious One?  I know, it isn't all about comfort, and nice feelings, and warm fuzzies.  It's about God.  And God is not what many think (not warm fuzzy, comfort, problems-solved, etc.  --  that's more toward magic:  The ATM god who gives us what we want when we do the right things, enter the correct code, follow the rules).

The Presence of God is just that:  Presence.  Knowing we are not alone. (Perhaps "knowing" is too shallow a  word - grokking?)  There is a comfort, assurance, a "resting" in God - but it's still not always (or often?) "happy happy joy joy."

Trust is that believing in Presence is in the midst of Absence.  Beholding Nothing, but trusting that One is there.  Here.  Now.

Look, I know this probably sounds really "out there."  Well, that's where I am right now.  Finances, loneliness, decisions, the Future, all my inadequacies - all these things seem very present to me now.  And that's not the Presence I'm needing.

Somehow, somewhere, someday.  I am held. I am not alone, nor abandoned.  But I am lonely.

maybe I should get a dog.

Good books make it better

The cold is better.  Still drainage, sniffles, etc., but I have more energy.  But being sick always "brigns me down."

And, with the work stuff, I can sometimes plummet over the edge of the chasm into a real pity party.  Some time, distance, and a walk by the river always help, and they have.  Up and down.

Time to myself with a good book always helps, too.  I think I've mentioned finishing up A Clearing in the Distance about F. L. Olmsted.  Also finished Grand Avenues, about Pierre Charles L'Enfant.  It's that thing with planning / design / engineering stuff that I just love.  I'm weird, but fun.

With some Barnes & Noble gift cards to be used, youngest child and I went on a spree.  A now-in-paperback Steve Berry novel was one of my purchase, along with something new in the biography/memoir section:  The Bucolic Plague.  OK. Two gay men from Manhattan start a goat farm in upstate New York.  Sounds interesting?  So far it's funny and charming.  They've started a business, and with all the connections they have, it's turned into a marketing mania.  I've checked out their website, watched some of the videos, and would love to see the "reality" TV show (The Fabulous Beekman Boys).  I've seen enough to know I'm in love with Farmer John.  Woof.  Note to Sean and Jeffrey:  They're not far from you all.

Even though I realize it's a big marketing thing (hey, they've got to make a living, too), I've enjoyed reading about a gay couple making a life.  There are so many of us out there, it's good to see it in the media in a positive way.  Yes, that they are gay is "part of the plot" because it's unexpected.  But they are there, working, making it.  Out there.  Out there.

I hope to be out more and more.  Now I just have to find the partner.  And be found.

Sniffle, snort, ugh

By now I'd hope to share a bit more of the big adventure.  But work has been very full (of shtufft) and a bad summer cold has got me snorting, coughing, sneezing, and sniffling.  Ugh.

And, I've been in a reflective mood, and a bit down.  The non-profit with which I work is (as are so many) running out of money.  So, the big weekend meeting to say "We're running out of money," was a big downer.  Ugh.  And I felt like ~zx%df.>rt()@<#, to boot.

Nonetheless, we persevere.  Onward!  cough cough.  snort sniffle.

The paws that refreshes!

Sorry about my spelling there, but . . . . . .

Being true to one's self has such wide-ranging effects I could never have imagined.  Embracing and befriending the fear can turn it to joy.  And so it has.  I had the most fun!  As I come to be my authentic self (no small task, no easy journey - but it's getting easier) things come more easily, more confidently, and more joyously.  The fear has been so much in reaction to perceived "musts, should, and oughts;" the joy is living my life as the one I have been created to be, and called to fulfill.

Oh, my goodness!  I can't thank Sean and Jeffrey enough for the grand hospitality they shared.  It was wonderful to get to know Jeffrey, as he and I have some amazing parallels in our stories.  Sean was his always-effervescent self and (despite his protestations) a good tour guide.  And, Sean drove me around to find an affordable camera to replace the one that bit the dirt (literally) in Albany's Washington Park.  The sight of Moses parting the waters was just too much for me.  Gravity took hold.  thump.

New York state, through its rural areas, is beautiful!  One so tends to think of New York as "the City," but that is such a small part of it all.  While I knew this intellectually, I'd never been anywhere else in the state (and, to the City only twice, each time for a mere couple of days, and in mid-winter).

Thanks, Jeffrey, for the camera guide; and Tom, drop me an email. Josh, thanks for the plug.

The drive down the state, into New Jersey (where I'd never been) and into Pennsylvania was actually relaxing.  I enjoyed the rural scenery and made my way to Lake Gonebelow (a little known place that appears out of the mists when you cry Woof.)  This be the home of the great Lemuel.  He treated me to a delightful lunch of Philly cheese steak and home made fries (at a local establishment with license to provide such eminent fare).  Desert was particularly good, as well.

Then, on to the wilds of Bowie, Maryland, where Jeff and Isaac (and their greyhounds) were warm, friendly hosts.  Y'all hang on to my Birkenstocks.  I'll get them on my next big adventure.  Isaac drove me into DC on his way to work.  There, I was able to arrange to meet with old friend and colleague, Frank, whose story parallels mine in so many ways.  He treated me to lunch and good conversation.  We walked in the sweltering heat through the National Zoo.  I wish I could remember to take pictures.

And there's more.  For later.

I've had the most fun in the last week than I can remember having in years!  And it's not what you think.  Or, maybe it is, but that's not all, I mean, well.  Never mind.

"Having a wonderful time, wish you were queer"

Ha ha.  Well, that's the cleverest title I could come up with.  Sean and Jeffrey have been wonderful, gracious, accommodating hosts.  Sean has news, info, and pictures at his blog.  So glad he didn't post the picture of . . . .  well, never mind.

Sean wrote about my camera's encounter with gravity, so it may be a while till I have some pictures.  But I shall.

Albany was great!  Washington Park was designed in the style of Frederick Law Olmsted by John Bogart (who had worked with Olmsted and Vaux), and by John Culyer. But it looks so Olmstedian! And, we got to stroll along the Hudson River.  I didn't know the Hudson was estuarine up that far! Again, amazing!  There are some great examples of Richardsonian Romanesque as well as Beaux-Arts style in downtown.  I know, you probably never thought about any of those things. And may never have cared! But I am easily amused!

You see, this is all such a big adventure for me because I'm getting to do things no one else much wants to do (at least, few and far between).  Usually, I've traveled with family - and they seldom want to see such things (and have had little patience with me).  And, supreme graduate-level pleaser that I am have been, I always put those things aside.  Except for a bit of a rushed schedule, I've not had to make excuses and miss such in order that we might find just the right chicken nuggets for lunch.  This is a big adventure!

Today, I've made my way through New York, into New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, stopping to visit with Lemuel for lunch.  Then To Maryland and a stay with Jeff and Isaac.  Bless them for their hospitality!

Tomorrow, some stops in DC (with no one to tell me that they've seen enough of the National Gallery).

Joy & Sadness - and PRIDE

Rainbows should never be missed.  This photograph is a rainbow that appeared over our fair city last week.  Never, ever miss a rainbow.  Happy PRIDE!

and in other news . . . .

There's a lot of sadness in me.  Still.  Oh, but there is some joy, too.  I don't want to over-emphasize the sadness, nor do I want to dismiss it.  With me, as with most of us (I guess) there are competing emotions that go tearing around our hearts and souls.  You can't figure me out easily.  Well, I can't, anyway.

Tomorrow is the day i leave on the Big Trip.  I'm excited and apprehensive - it's that sad and joy mix-up again.  Maybe it's more fear than sadness?  Hm.  Sad to be alone.  Joyful to be out.  Sad not to know all the details of the trip.  Joyed to live with spontaneity.

The joy is far easier to live with than the sadness. But sometimes the tears just need to come forth.  I let them; never a real problem for me.  Except when it is.  No, the sadness will not pull me into a bottomless well.  though I sometimes fear that.  No.  I will make it through.  And some joy will show up.

It also helps being ADD - I see something shiny and I'm off in a different direction.  Look! a rainbow.

Breaking bonds - breaking away

So many years of so much fear have kept bound up in one way or another.  It's been much grist for the therapy mill!  Going somewhere, traveling on my own, being adventurous - none of these things have come easily or often.  Oh, my wasted youth!  Then, I wallow in my inabilities to venture forth.  I'm not good at planning, or even just thinking ahead;  And I'm too cheap to spend much (usually because I'm too broke - as is now the case).

Fear can be such an insidious, strangling, invasive vine - tendrils creeping in to parts of life and thought, undetected, till we try to move or stretch.  Then, we feel that catch, that thing that grabs, unbalances, trips us up, tips us over.  Soon, we just freeze up, stop moving, stop trying.

But I shall not be bound (he said, with a quiver in his voice, not sure he believed his words).  So, I shall fake it till I make it, then.

Though still trepidatious, I'm venturing out, a bit.  There is some family component to part of it - that's the impetus for the trip there -ah! but the return trip is mine!  For reasons various and sundry , I have to go to upstate New York (Schenectady) to deliver someone to something.  Then, I am on my own!

As of Sunday afternoon, I am sprung free for a bit.  One blogger friend is offering hospitality for the trip back!  I'm so excited to be able to meet him and his partner!  Hoping to line up another get together.  Anyone between up there and down here, I'd love to get together with.

If you're along the way (basically Albany, NY to Asheville, NC)  and we could visit, let me know.  I'll only have a few days, but I'm excited to get away on my own.  Almost never ever happens.  Maybe this will be the start of something.  ("Yes!" he said, giving no hint of his equivocations, "I shall begin again.")

I feel so brave - well, for a few minutes! 

Random ranting and changing the world

Wanting to post more often, I think I should quite my job.  Then maybe I'd have time for a life.  Things have been hellacious at work (ha ha).

What I do with my religious non-profit involves many things.  Many various and asundry things.  Such a wide variety of things you wouldn't believe.  today for instance, I've played social worker, planner, permission-giver, editor, and delivery boy, counselor.  That's all I can remember from what's already happened, today.

Woman in need.  Three children (4 yr old, and twins). No transportation.  And no diapers.  Husband (are they really married?  Does it matter?  Well, they're straight, so who cares, eh?) works, gets ride to job.  But working in landscaping/lawn care means no work when it rains.  So, no money (or not much). If you can't pay the rent, etc., how ya gonna save up for a car???  There is little or no "safety net" for folks like this.  And I've met them, worked with them, etc.  They are really are hard-working, doing the best they can.

So, in WalMart (I hate WalMart) to buy diapers, juice, snacks, and a gift card.  And deliver them.  She tried to get a ride to pickup something here at our religious non-profit office, but she'd have to bring all three kids.  And folk want cash for the favor.  And I don't have cash to give.  So, I'm on the road again.

While attempting to shop at WalMart (I hate WalMart, did I tell you that?) I come upon a physically challenged man in one of the hated WalMart's electric shopping carts.  What's his story, I wonder?  In his basket, some hemorrhoid cream; and he is having trouble reaching the snack bars.  There go I, but for . . . .what.

When I think what some folk spend on trifling stuff - and what these folk don't have in basics.  How much does Fred Phelps spend on his web page and traveling to demonstrations?  How much does "Focus on the Family" spend on defending "marriage" or Pat Robertson on condemning Haiti?

There is so much I cannot do - so many things I cannot fix, repair, or change.  But one thing I know, there are some kids with clean diapers, some juice and snacks.  And those kids are going to be able to get some shoes, too. (That was one of mom's priorities with gift card).

Take that, you hate mongers.

Now I'm tired and going to a fabulous gay pot-luck.

Art work stolen from the work of the fabulous GAY author-illustrator Maurice Sendak, 

from Where the Wild things Are. But you knew that, didn't you.