Joy & Sadness - and PRIDE

Rainbows should never be missed.  This photograph is a rainbow that appeared over our fair city last week.  Never, ever miss a rainbow.  Happy PRIDE!

and in other news . . . .

There's a lot of sadness in me.  Still.  Oh, but there is some joy, too.  I don't want to over-emphasize the sadness, nor do I want to dismiss it.  With me, as with most of us (I guess) there are competing emotions that go tearing around our hearts and souls.  You can't figure me out easily.  Well, I can't, anyway.

Tomorrow is the day i leave on the Big Trip.  I'm excited and apprehensive - it's that sad and joy mix-up again.  Maybe it's more fear than sadness?  Hm.  Sad to be alone.  Joyful to be out.  Sad not to know all the details of the trip.  Joyed to live with spontaneity.

The joy is far easier to live with than the sadness. But sometimes the tears just need to come forth.  I let them; never a real problem for me.  Except when it is.  No, the sadness will not pull me into a bottomless well.  though I sometimes fear that.  No.  I will make it through.  And some joy will show up.

It also helps being ADD - I see something shiny and I'm off in a different direction.  Look! a rainbow.

Breaking bonds - breaking away

So many years of so much fear have kept bound up in one way or another.  It's been much grist for the therapy mill!  Going somewhere, traveling on my own, being adventurous - none of these things have come easily or often.  Oh, my wasted youth!  Then, I wallow in my inabilities to venture forth.  I'm not good at planning, or even just thinking ahead;  And I'm too cheap to spend much (usually because I'm too broke - as is now the case).

Fear can be such an insidious, strangling, invasive vine - tendrils creeping in to parts of life and thought, undetected, till we try to move or stretch.  Then, we feel that catch, that thing that grabs, unbalances, trips us up, tips us over.  Soon, we just freeze up, stop moving, stop trying.

But I shall not be bound (he said, with a quiver in his voice, not sure he believed his words).  So, I shall fake it till I make it, then.

Though still trepidatious, I'm venturing out, a bit.  There is some family component to part of it - that's the impetus for the trip there -ah! but the return trip is mine!  For reasons various and sundry , I have to go to upstate New York (Schenectady) to deliver someone to something.  Then, I am on my own!

As of Sunday afternoon, I am sprung free for a bit.  One blogger friend is offering hospitality for the trip back!  I'm so excited to be able to meet him and his partner!  Hoping to line up another get together.  Anyone between up there and down here, I'd love to get together with.

If you're along the way (basically Albany, NY to Asheville, NC)  and we could visit, let me know.  I'll only have a few days, but I'm excited to get away on my own.  Almost never ever happens.  Maybe this will be the start of something.  ("Yes!" he said, giving no hint of his equivocations, "I shall begin again.")

I feel so brave - well, for a few minutes! 

Random ranting and changing the world

Wanting to post more often, I think I should quite my job.  Then maybe I'd have time for a life.  Things have been hellacious at work (ha ha).

What I do with my religious non-profit involves many things.  Many various and asundry things.  Such a wide variety of things you wouldn't believe.  today for instance, I've played social worker, planner, permission-giver, editor, and delivery boy, counselor.  That's all I can remember from what's already happened, today.

Woman in need.  Three children (4 yr old, and twins). No transportation.  And no diapers.  Husband (are they really married?  Does it matter?  Well, they're straight, so who cares, eh?) works, gets ride to job.  But working in landscaping/lawn care means no work when it rains.  So, no money (or not much). If you can't pay the rent, etc., how ya gonna save up for a car???  There is little or no "safety net" for folks like this.  And I've met them, worked with them, etc.  They are really are hard-working, doing the best they can.

So, in WalMart (I hate WalMart) to buy diapers, juice, snacks, and a gift card.  And deliver them.  She tried to get a ride to pickup something here at our religious non-profit office, but she'd have to bring all three kids.  And folk want cash for the favor.  And I don't have cash to give.  So, I'm on the road again.

While attempting to shop at WalMart (I hate WalMart, did I tell you that?) I come upon a physically challenged man in one of the hated WalMart's electric shopping carts.  What's his story, I wonder?  In his basket, some hemorrhoid cream; and he is having trouble reaching the snack bars.  There go I, but for . . . .what.

When I think what some folk spend on trifling stuff - and what these folk don't have in basics.  How much does Fred Phelps spend on his web page and traveling to demonstrations?  How much does "Focus on the Family" spend on defending "marriage" or Pat Robertson on condemning Haiti?

There is so much I cannot do - so many things I cannot fix, repair, or change.  But one thing I know, there are some kids with clean diapers, some juice and snacks.  And those kids are going to be able to get some shoes, too. (That was one of mom's priorities with gift card).

Take that, you hate mongers.

Now I'm tired and going to a fabulous gay pot-luck.

Art work stolen from the work of the fabulous GAY author-illustrator Maurice Sendak, 

from Where the Wild things Are. But you knew that, didn't you.

"What am I gonna do . . . ."

I'm in a reflective mood, right now. Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary, were I still married.  I'm having a heavy sad spell.

What am I gonna do, when the best part of me was always you"      from a song by the Script

Right now, that seems so true for me.  My wife was a wonderful part of me, usually the best part.  If only I could have made it work.  If only I turned out to be the nice, straight boy I wanted to be.  And sometimes still do.

I'm not really talking regrets here.  I'm just talking sadness.  I'll get through it.  Don't know if I'll ever get "over it."  For all the ways in which I have hurt her, I am deeply sorry, and deeply sad.  Of course, there were (and are) ways that I've hurt me, too. (Maybe this is one of them).  And maybe, it's just the way it was, and is.  Maybe it just is, and I should let it go, leave it be.  Some things are laid aside that easily, though.  And I did not leave my marriage easily.

She was (and is) such a great woman.  Thanks for loving me as best you could.  Not an easy task, I know.  And, as I've said, I wish that all of me could love you as much as most of me does.

Today, I'm not so happy about being gay.  I want to be.  Being gay is about more than hot gay studs with bodies, looks, endowments, and endurance I'll never have. And (in my best self) don't really care about having (well, that's not totally true).

I remember falling in love with her (and I really did, you know).  I can remember thinking (in some sick, twisted way) that I couldn't be gay because I could fall in love with a woman. Now, I wait for the other side of the coin, the obverse, the deeper truth (at least I hope it is).

I hope he will be as great as she, and that I can be all that I wanted to be, and real.
And I hope she will find someone far better than I ever could be.  (Though it's not like I was that bad, you know).  I've thought about her a lot, today.  I hope her day is going not-so-sadly as mine.

Tears come too easily tonight.  Enough.

Blogger gathering

Forgive the lack of posts.  I have actually had to be working for a living (novel thought, that).  Long days and much "stuff."

Biltmore Bloggers gathering was great fun.  Worn out from seeing the gigantic crib of the rich and famous we did gather for a picture.  It was wonderful to meet (face-to-face) with some blogger friends.

Not only have I neglected to post anything, I haven't taken the time to read many things out there in the blogosphere. So, dear friends, forgive my lack of comments and contact.  There really has been a lot going on.

Plagued with distractability (and a touch of dyslexia) reading is slow going.  Enough for now. . .

Successful Transfer of Stuff - and Compnay comes to Town

Graduation and all attendant festivities were fun, successful, and are now complete!  Yea!
All "stuff" has been returned to home base.  Yea! 
It's over 500 miles (one way) to attend my eldest's graduation.  the packing, loading, moving, and unloading took time and strength (I am so butch).  And it all got done.  Yes!

And in the mean time Larry and Greg have come to town (from Ohio) to visit my fair city and the beautiful mountains and forests and waterfalls and hiking trails that surround it!  They treated me to dinner last night (thanks guys), which was most welcome after unloading all the "stuff."

Tomorrow, Java and UltraDave are joining us for a tour of the House in the neighborhood.  Great fun!  I'll try to get some pictures of us all on our big trip.

Road Trip

OK, first off, my date was very nice.  It's a guy I really like and want to see again.  Not sure if he's the same on that score or not, but I think so.  He talked a lot; I listened a lot.  Maybe their will be some more "mutuality" in that regard next time around.  I am a good listener, but I want some air time, too.  We'll see.  Friday evening, we had dinner and walked around downtown.  This is one hopping little city, so downtown is very, very lively on a Friday evening.  It was good.  I know you're wondering . . . . .but it was just dinner and conversation.  Not that it's any of you business, and not that I'd tell you, anyway.

Eldest daughter is graduating from college this Saturday.  Yeehaa!  So tomorrow I leave for the long trip out (510+ miles there - then back again on Sunday).  It will be good to get her home, give her some TLC.  Dad's coming out process has weighed heavily on her, and some depression has set in. It isn't so much my being gay as separating from their mom, leaving the house, upsetting everything she had known as "real."  So, what is real now?

Though I believe my living authentically, telling the truth, and being who I am is very important, for me, and for her, it is going to take some time and work for her to get use to that.  We will take the time.  We will do the work.  It will be good.

High Falls

Today, youngest child and I had a fun day, venturing to a nearby state forest with several waterfalls.  We went to the highest one, uncreatively named High Falls.  Here are a few pictures.  It's really much bigger than it even begins to appear in a photograph.  You just gotta see it - and hear it - for yourself.

The folk in the picture are probably 100 feet or more in front of the falls.  Click to really embiggen it.


That's me near the base of the falls.  You can't even see the top tier of falls from this angle.  I'm still farther away than you might think.  There is quite a bit of spray from the water, too.

Of course, there are many more spectacular waterfalls in the world.  This ain't no Niagara or Iguassu.  But it's right here in our back yard, and I love it. 

And in other news . . . .

I had a date last night.  A real one.  It was quite nice.  Indeed.  This is a different man from the last date on which i reported.  I really like this guy.  We've known each other a year or so and actually had a meal together before (but that didn't count, exactly), and seen each other at gatherings.  Somehow, for whatever reason, this was different.  Less eventful than you might (like to) imagine, but that's fine.  It was good.

Seize the Derby

Well, the Derby party was very nice.  Indeed.  Lovely.  I did not wear a harness, nor was it hosted by any of my "customers" (to respond to Dr. Benton Quest's furry question).
But it did get interesting.

I'd been asked to pick up one of the party goers, as he did not drive (something about a seizure disorder, or something), and it was on my way.  No prob.  And he was (is) not bad on the eyes, either.

After arrival, it was time for the requisite mint juleps.  I brought fresh mint from the garden of the home of C & S along with the hors d'oeuvres (with which C helped me greatly. Merci!)

Said guest (whom I transported) was very nice, but drank a wee bit too much.  Not that much, mind you, but it didn't take much (combined with pain medication) to counter-act his seizure medication.  You know what happened . . . . 

Band Bump. "What was that?.   Raising children contributes to one being a quick responder.  Being raised by a critical care nurse also prepares one for many things.  So, off I go.  Curled up on the floor, blood spewing out. A small seizure, but a seizure, nonetheless.  And a room full of queens.

"Please get me a cold, clean wash cloth.  Now. And a large towel."  Stretch him out carefully.  Watch the neck. Where's the blood coming from?  "OMG! should we call 911!?"   "That'd be a great idea.  But tell them not to use sirens. Could you check his wallet and see if he has a medications list." 

Meanwhile, the first responders arrive, secure his neck, check vitals, etc.  [Firefighters are so hot. And this time was no exception.]  They call the ambulance for transport to the ER.  "I'll follow."  "Oh my, do you know how to get to the hospital."  Oh, yes.  I'm very familiar.  I visit there often.  (Part of my rather strange employment.  I even have a little badge that gets me in to things.)

It rather shortened the party atmosphere.  But while the EMTs were working with him, I got the chance to finish my dessert.

Actually, it had some grace in the situation.  He needed some medications adjusted - big time.  Having suffered a stroke of some sort many years earlier, our friend has a mild seizure disorder and some other issues.  I just didn't have in mind to find out all about them quite that way.

He's better, home from the hospital.  And my horse lost.

Post time

I've been invited to a Kentucky Derby party today!  Interestingly, or amazingly, I've never attended one before.  Should I wear a harness? 

I'm just saying.