Bear Me Out - the mind of a bear

Grateful, whiny, hard

2012-01-27T00:51:00.000-05:00

Next Friday, 3 February, I fly to South Africa. For six weeks. I can't believe that. Amazing. Not much touring around or such as that.

Time spent being quiet, being still, just being. At least that's the very minimal plan so far in place.

Tonight, after a very long day, and some very tough news, I've been a bit whiny.

Grateful, I am. Very grateful.

Of course, I'd also like to tell you about the incredibly sexy, hunky roofer I was watching, while I ate lunch. As I walked out of the eating place, he spoke to me. Ooooh. Had he been watching my watching? We chatted. that's all. But I had to adjust my britches a bit.

What a day.

Yes.

2012-01-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

You might not think it like me, and if you knew me well, you might really wonder about such. But it's true. Yes. I am.

I am going on Sabbatical for the months of February and March 2012. The thing that may seem odd is indeed odd. At least it feels so to me. Who would ever have thought that I would do such a thing? Such a thing as this, I mean. It's not what you'd expect if you knew me.

But then, if you really know me, maybe it isn't so odd. In all these years, I wouldn't have thought myself capable of such.

In early February, I fly to South Africa for six weeks in a monastery. See, I told you it was odd. I'm not planning on becoming a monk. (Goodness! What a thought.) It's a monastery connected with the religious non-profit where I serve. It's not a cloistered order, so I won't be "locked up" or anything. I will do some service, some prayer, a bit of contemplation, and rest.

I know what you're thinking. "Why does this guy get a sabbatical and I don't?" Well, it's complicated, I suppose. But this line of work can be taxing in ways that no other line of work can be. Not many, anyway. And, I don't get to go to conferences in luxurious places or even business travel. And, I work just about every f&%$~"g weekend and holiday. Plus some other odd hours. It isn't about the time spent in work as much as the intensity and nature of it. It requires not much physical labor, but an inordinate amount of emotional labor.

I'm awed, excited, honored, and terrified.

The Turning of the Year

2012-01-08T20:38:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year.
Moving in to the new year with much on my plate, I keep waiting for the "semester break." That's the time when all the tests are done, papers handed in, etc., and so forth. It's all done. And you can just relax. (Of course, my last semester break was precisely 30 years ago in my last year of graduate school.)

Then something new starts. From the beginning. Not so life. It keeps going and thing don't just "end." They just get extended or put-off, or they just keep going. Why have I not caught on to this pattern?

Anyway, the journey continues.

Here's wishing all blessings, new discoveries, liveliness, goodness, gratitude, and joy in the big '12!

Cheers!

All

2011-12-27T22:04:00.001-05:00

Today is a good day. They aren't all, but today is. DG.

I've said it before, and it is difficult to explain or expound upon, but it is so true . . .
Coming Out is the most intense spiritual journey of my life. All of it. I could never have imagined. Still can't. It is still unfolding, as it always will be.

The Holy One of Being does not demand all. Except when the Holy One does. For me, it seems necessary. To give all. As my spiritual director said, we must hand all over - in thanksgiving. The Holy One blesses all; and returns to us that which we need.

I know that I must. Well, it isn't that I must. It's just that I must.

It is all about 'Letting Go'.

"It is only to empty hands that all may be given." You must lose your life, to find it. You must give, to receive. You must die, to live. Shit. This I do not like. Not one bit. I am screaming and crying and squirming - big time.

And I am laughing, too. At myself. I know that it's true. I know that I must. I hope that I will. And there is that part of me that wants to. Really.

I suppose there is good reason the 12 Steps have always appealed to me - there is such deep spirituality there.

I know. This seems a bit random. 'Spose it is. But it is what it is.

On this night of the Third Day of Christmas, as we move toward the Turning of the Year, may there be grace and peace to you and your house.

Cheers.

Oh, I'm on facebook now, too. Email me if you're interested.

Solstice

2011-12-22T22:54:00.002-05:00

I'm waiting for the light.

This season of the year is quite tough for me. And, things are looking up.
The religious celebrations of a Christian sort help me make it through, though I know many gay brothers and sisters do not countenance stuff that has to do with "Christianity" or the church. And I deeply understand that. No one need tell me about the church or "Christianity" and what it has meant, done, inflicted upon, etc., our kind.

Being Christian, though, in the very liberal fashion in which I claim that title, ain't so bad. There is a deeper Truth underneath the religiosity and practice of many who have hurt us, and do hurt us, and will defame and shame and injure and speak ill of us. Really; there is a deeper Truth there. for me, it is worth it.

And, as I work for a religious non-profit, I'm deeply rooted in the Tradition. And it's more than you think. As the appointed leader of said religious non-profit, I came out almost two years ago. And I'm still here, and we are actually growing and (in small ways) flourishing. The story is beyond amazing and unexpected and grace-filled. The Truth and the Practice of many is far beyond the idiocy and hypocrisy and hate-filled-practice of some. It's true.

One odd (quite odd) and blessed thing that comes to me in my 'employment' is the chance for some extended time away. It's called a sabbatical. And now it seems I will be graced with one. February and March. Time will be spent in meditation and contemplation with some monks (most of whom are gay, I think). I'll be welcomed and accepted and given time for work and prayer and no one cares that I am gay. I am hoping it will be a time of further transformation.

In South Africa. Can you imagine? I am only just beginning to.

The next few days will be very busy for me. So, Cheers, Shalom, and Merry Christmas to all.

PS: I've got so much Celtic blood in me (it's true) now I understand why I want to paint myself blue and dance naked around a mistletoe-laden oak tree. Huzzah!

I Lost It

2011-12-01T21:16:00.001-05:00

I went to get a prescription refilled this evening, after a meeting at work. "I'm sorry, this requires pre-authorization."

So, right there, at the counter in the Pharmacy, I called the company that handles prescription coverage for my health insurance. I won't mention the name, but its initials are Medco. After talking to their computer for a while, I finally got a live person. (After talking with me, I hope she did not have to take a personal day, dissolving into tears, running screaming from the building.)

I was furious. Livid. Fit-to-be-tied. Outraged. (What words could you add to this list?) While civil, I don't think you could say I was polite. I apologized to the person on the other end of the phone, saying that I knew it was not her fault. I knew that she was just doing her job, (and being polite about it). I told her that . . . . . . and then told her how furious/outraged/angry/livid I was about this system. I was ready to occupy something, and it would not be a pretty sight.

And, you wouldn't believe what a nice, mild-mannered, usually calm person I am. Most of the time.

So, I have to call the drug lords of insurance-land to be told a telephone number that I must give to the doctor's office, so that the doctor's office may call it to get a form faxed to them (the Doc's office) that must then be completed and returned to the prescription barons. Then the headless wonders of prescription hell can decide if it's really what I should have, a legitimate drug, a real need, and whether they will pay for it. After all, the doctor's office has so much spare time, and so many extra employees just sitting around. And, the doc doesn't know her arse from a hole in the ground - how could she possibly know what to prescribe for me.

When you go to your doctor, does she routinely give you random, expensive, useless prescriptions usually prescribed for symptoms and ailments that you do not have? Perhaps many doctors do. Do they?

I talked tonight with four different persons at the drug castle. (I apologized and warned them in advance.) The third person with whom I spoke was in the pre-authorization department. Then, he transferred me to a pharmacist in the pre-authorization department. Who only works in the pre-authorization department. They have pre-authorization pharmacists?! Who knew?

This is all to save us money. Pre-authorization departments. Doctor's offices with staff members who do nothing but make calls and file forms with pre-authorization departments. To save us money?

The hilarity of it continues: it was an old, generic drug. Not like the doc is getting pay-offs from the drug company on this one.

Opening a bottle of wine was the best decision of the night. I'm better now. A bit.

Cold Front with Sun

2011-11-18T09:46:00.001-05:00

There may be a lot to barometric pressure and its effect on one's mood. Or not.

Maybe it's the rain, the clouds, the lack of sun. Am I affected by that Seasonal Affective Disorder? I know not. But a front was moving through yesterday, and my mood was darker than than clouds. Today it is cold, but the sun is out. Deo gratias. Is it sun or barometric pressure or phases of the moon?

These ups and downs seem rather high and low. And, without medications stemming the slide, I can get into quite a funk. But then, today is much better. I'm really felling it all. As I've said before (quoting a wise friend from years ago) "If you can't feel it, you can't heal it." So now comes the work of healing it.

Many thanks for supportive words from folk in the blogosphere.

Fear and Loneliness

2011-11-13T20:25:00.001-05:00

With a couple of days off, right now, a rarity for me, and with a tiny bit saved up, I thought of having an adventure. But I haven't done it. I got so close to booking a room. And then closed the browser. What is my problem?

At first, I feared I was again isolating myself. I think I'm adjusting to life alone. And it's been lonely. I've been lonely. I am lonely. Even getting up the nerve to call a friend has been tough. But talking isn't always what I want to do.

There are some reasons for not traveling too far (or at all); but are they reasons or just lame excuses? Living into the loneliness, leaning into the fear are things I do not want to do; but that may be exactly what's necessary. As Annie Dillard said (I think): we have to ride the monsters all the way down.

This is not the ride I'd like to be on, right now.

I am surviving, doing OK, really. Perhaps I simply need to grow up some. I've lived out of fear most of my life - so transition ain't so easy. But not impossible.

There is much that needs doing around the house: cleaning, straightening, sorting, moving; things to make this house feel more like home. That may be the more responsible thing to do. And to pray/meditate/contemplate. And a day trip may be in order.

I'll have another time for a big adventure. Maybe I'll have someone to go with me.

Here, and not

2011-11-06T18:01:00.001-05:00

A rough patch of work has kept me exhausted and weary. It has been hard to focus and get through it all. Forgive my absence. Maybe it's time to end blogging - but then, maybe not. I'll hang in a bit longer and see how it goes.

I'm in the kind of work that involves a great deal of emotional labor. Not much heavy lifting or physical stuff, but a lot of emotional work that can be very exhausting. And, with that, it's not something that one can "leave at the office" very easily; and it involves a schedule that is anything but "9 to 5."

I've taken little time off and certainly not two days together. Even days off end up having just one little thing with work. Others do it, I'm not the only one in this line of work. I just don't seem to handle it very well, sometimes. I'm looking to take a few days off next week - three. But what will I do with them? I can't afford much, but I'm going somewhere.

And there's not much other news about anything - or anyone. Am I capable of handling a relationship? Entering in to a relationship? Maintaining a relationship? I'm having my doubts . . . . . . But I'm still hoping. Cheers, till next time.

Alive, and pissed . . . .

2011-10-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

I've not been online to read blogs, let alone post something.
Won't say I've not been online . . . .
never mind.

There are times I feel angry. Just angry. . . . . at the world, myself, who-knows-what. I'm that way right now. It's been a good day, but I'm feeling a bit pissed.

Working in the religious non-profit sector, I was (finally) dissed for being (somewhat) Christian AND gay. Having posted something on a rather free-thinking, free-spirited group, I got somebody really pissed at me about that. OK. It's happening. I'm all right with it, but it's just not happened before. I've had it so easy in so many ways.

Really. Of course, I've had my own struggles, but coming out has been easier. Maybe there are parts that will get more difficult. We'll see.

More on that later. Cheers, all

Spo Shirt, Beer City, BLURP

2011-09-30T12:28:00.000-04:00

The amazing Spo Shirt Tour visited one of our local breweries. No, the picture is not about dogs or science, but the Lexington Avenue Brewery (known locally as the Lab). You see, our fair city is Beer City USA. Really. I didn't make that up.

So, even though we didn't stop in for a brew, we stopped by for a picture. My crappy camera doesn't focus, so forgive the fuzziness of the picture. I make no apologize about my natural fuzziness.

Tonight, I'm going with friend D for supper and a movie. This week is the QFest film festival in our fair city. Should be great fun.

Tomorrow is our local Pride celebration, BLURP. I'm volunteering at a couple of booths throughout the day. Too windy to wear my kilt, I fear. Could get me into trouble. More trouble.

Life goes on. And with gratitude, I'm making it, a day at a time. Today's a good day.

Cheers all.

Spo Shirt Tour

2011-09-19T17:02:00.000-04:00

The Famous Spo Shirt arrived and has now paraded around town. I'm not used to being in such bright, colorful attire!

In our first photo, I'm in from of our famous, art deco City Building. Though the sun was out, it was a chilly day!

As my computer is acting up and may not be able to handle much today, I'll add some posts with a few other pictures.

And, as my camera is really awful and doesn't seem to focus well, I ask your forgiveness on the pix. It was not the photographer (friend D.S.).

OH! The Spo Shirt also made an entry into Sean's Undie Monday. Check it out.

Septemberance

2011-09-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

Remembering the events of ten years ago has been sad. Really sad. Forgiveness is a tough thing, sometimes.

Then again, sometimes, it is the only thing.

Islam is not the enemy. Religion isn't even the enemy (though it's easy to say so.)Extremism, absolutism, and fanaticism - they are the enemies. Those who feel so strongly about being right are the ones who think they must punish those who are not like them.

If we do not behave in a very different way, if we do not embrace forgiveness, we become like them. It is so easy to do.

"They" did not win. The attacks of the 11th of September, 2001, did not succeed. There only success will be if we become like them.

Even if we do not feel very forgiving, we must live it on the outside, until we can embrace it on the inward side. Then . . . . .

Love wins.

Update

2011-09-05T16:09:00.000-04:00

Yes, alive, and OK, if not well. But, hey, compared to life in Mogadishu, I'm doing great. (Note to self: stop whining).

The Spo Shirt has arrived, and I shall post pictures of its whereabouts this week. Now, I just need to get out and about some.

Update: It's a dark and stormy night as the remnants of Tropical Storm Lee roar through the mountains. Just got some pictures of the newly arrived Spo Shirt. Thought I'd share some.

Too long away

2011-08-23T20:53:00.001-04:00

Sorry to have been away for a bit. The rough patch I've been in has stretched out longer than I thought. Isolating and keeping to myself some hasn't been good. A real blunder at work that sent me reeling. Still recovering from that one.

Things are getting better, albeit slowly. I'm going to write a bit more later. Just wanted to let you know I'm alive and sitting up, taking nourishment (as we say).

Felt the earthquake today. Ugh.

Busy, better, beach

2011-08-04T18:19:00.000-04:00

Busy week. People keep dying. Ugh.

Sometimes, in the oddity of the work I do, I deal with the dead. And there is an added oddity of dealing with a cemetery. Yes. I know more about burying the dead than you'd want to know. 'Tis true. Today, I was helping dress the dead, (in a special outfit peculiar to his office. New one for me). The deceased was a dear colleague, and it was an honor. Just never know what the day will bring.

Anyway, this Saturday, after ceremonies involving all of the above, I'm off to the beach. Some "clients" of mine have a place at the beach they lend us for a time in the summer. My children and their mom are there now, and I'll go down on Saturday (while mom drives back). This arrangement has worked well for us. The profile picture is of me, on said beach, last summer (or maybe two years ago). I'll see if I can get a new shot this year.

I've noticed: Blogs with photographic backgrounds load slowly, and do not scroll easily. Is it just my computer? or what?

Cheers.

More Better

2011-07-25T18:16:00.000-04:00

Another doctor visit and two antibiotics have me feeling better. Support and encouragement from friends have me being better, too. Thanks. Diverticulitis ain't no fun, I've come to discover. I think I've been battling with this for quite some time, actually. Only recently did it become so acute as to need some remedy.

Any illness can call us to re-evaluate some things. And, of course (if you've been reading this blog) I'm always in the throes of something. Up and down, and back and forth.

This week, I'm aiming to settle down a bit. Calm the tummy, calm the spirit, be in touch with Spirit. That will be the most calming, healing thing of all. Why do I run so? It is so simply and difficult - at the same time.

Things go well. i am grateful.

Belly ache

2011-07-21T13:06:00.000-04:00

marching through my tummy

Ugh. I've had a belly ache for at least a week. Gets better, then worse. I've been home most of the week. Been to the doctor, had a CT scan - nothing. I've spent a lot of money, though. A lot.

Money is one of the areas where I have the greatest fear. I think I've written about all that before. It seems any time I get a little ahead, I then move two steps back.

And I have fears of being ill. Something wrong, really wrong. But I know that probably not the case. Just weather it, hang in, pray, relax, rest.

I guess I'm glad I'm the boss or someone would have fired me by now.

Clouds and Sun

2011-07-15T16:11:00.000-04:00

Moving brings all kinds of stresses, re-assessments, acts of discernment, days of frustration, and opportunities for recycling. And it can also be very depressing. I am quite depressed today, anyway. Be it moving or barometric pressure (and a cloudy, sun-less day), I've had a tough time getting moving. But I am plodding, nonetheless.

Boxes: emptied, and still full; drawers not recently opened or explored; feeling a bit like a visitor in someone's home. And yet making myself at home. I need to focus on making it home. And what that mans to me.

I've made an electronic connection with someone once in a situation like mine. he's read back over old blog posts and made comments. I went back and re-read some old posts. Wow. I wrote that stuff? Could have fooled me.

And in other news, , , , , my last post ended with a "maybe." It was intended to be a "may be;" not expressing uncertainty of connection, but wonderment about what may yet be. It was indeed a very real connection.

And, I may have committed a terrible blogger-sin, or had a stroke of genius: I told him about my blog, and sent him the link. Hello, D. are you there? So now he has the opportunity to get to know me through what I've written. And, (or but) I can't write all about him on my blog! Yet, it's seemed the kind of intuitive connection that leads me to want him to know me better. And there is so much history in this blog. I really like him, but it's certainly more than a "like" kind of connection. Who knows. May be. May it be. What yet may be?

On the Journey

2011-07-11T19:12:00.001-04:00

My laptop is still out, but I've come up with a desk top for home, for now. It's good to stay connected.

Check out a new brother on the journey: http://soultwist.wordpress.com/ Give him support and wisdom.

I attended this weekend a local celebration for two men who were married (yes, married) in DC in April. It was a wonderful experience. One of them has been for years involved in theatre and music. So, it was a sumptuous, musical feast, with a little religious stuff in there, too.

I was quite moved by the event - and I hadn't expected to be. Yes. It's possible, it's happening, our world is changing, albeit slower than we'd like. Also, I was moved to think of possibilities for my own life, too. One day. One day . . . .

And, in other news, I met someone at said wedding celebration. Sadly, he lives far away. But the connection was quite real. Maybe.

Electron Death

2011-07-08T14:42:00.000-04:00

It seems my computer has died, or (at least) is very ill. So, I'll be off-line for a time. Hopefully, it will not be a time, a time, and a half time, but one never knows. At least my gmail account(s) will work. But not my work email. Aw, shucks.

There are many other things I cannot do while computer-less. But life goes on. Ugh.

Unpacking . . . . .

2011-07-07T20:03:00.000-04:00

before the onslaught of boxes . . .

Living in a home that was home to others is an interesting task. Some of their stuff. Some of mine. Sorting, deciding, re-arranging . . . . it goes on.

What to keep, what to throw, what to move, what to sort: decisions galore. And it can be overwhelming at times. Of course, I can be easily overwhelmed. And, with enough floor space, we can put off decision making till tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day. (Thanks, Scarlett).

I'm getting things sorted, but not me. I've got some sorting I need to do, too. But that will come. I've been living with others for over two years. This being alone is a new thing. I don't like changes. And I miss my friends.

In other news . . . .

I have managed a date now and then, even amongst the busy-ness of everything. There are some really nice guys out there. I hope one will find me. And I, him. If I can find the time.

Moving In

2011-06-30T08:50:00.000-04:00

The modern house of 1980, complete with harvest gold and avocado green. Ah. Lovely.

But there's lots of room and some hidden surprises. Like the old record-player-tuner hidden in the corner end table. Open the doors, and it slides out.

My children had never seen such! Oh yes, they'd seen turn tables, but nothing like this, complete with record changer. I told them that we may not have had "6 CD changers" in our cars, but we were not without entertainment.

I put several records (LP's) on the changer and showed them how they dropped one record at a time, the arm with the phonograph needle moved into place and slowly lowered itself. Amazing!

There are some beautiful hydrangeas in the yard, as well. An ample kitchen, and lots of room. New adventures.

Moving

2011-06-23T22:11:00.002-04:00

Through some interesting turns of fate and providence, I will be moving. A house has become available through the kind generosity of some of my constituents. I'm invited to live there, paying only utilities. My [one-way] commute to work will be 2.2 miles (instead of 18.6 miles). Instead of a 30 minute drive, it will be 10 minutes, on a busy day.

Enlarged to show texture.

There will be room for my genetic offspring to visit, spend the night, make a meal, watch a movie, and have good daddy time. Important stuff right now.

And, this means I will have lots of room for company, too. So plan your visit now. I do love hosting folk.

C&S, my gracious hosts for the last two years (and several months) have been the most wonderfullest folk I could ever imagine living with. It has been an easy thing. We've gotten along well, been very compatible, and enjoyable. They will still be around and always be friends. Thank you, boys, for so much love and kindness, fun and good meals, hugs and understanding. You're the best!

So, this will be a new chapter, in a way. ~~I need to add~~ I am adding new disciplines to my life: walking more, cooking, balancing my work and personal life, getting finances organized and under control. Frightening thought, doing all that.

One day at a time.

telling stories

2011-06-11T13:47:00.000-04:00

Stories define us, in many ways, telling us who we are, giving us history and rootedness, helping us know about our people.

Scripture is (broadly speaking) telling our story - reminding us who we are and to Whom we belong. It is way bad that some folk use scripture as if it were the answers in the back of the algebra text book (do they do that any more?) [Long ago, in a school system far away . . . . the algebra textbooks had, in the back, the answers to the odd numbered problems.]

Stories remind us, recall the great events of life, and the tragedies, as well. They help us know how to act, give us a frame of reference. They help us remember and recall the past but also live into the future.

But there may be many stories for each of us. Which ones we listen to makes a big difference.

I have been struggling with depression and many demons. All the 'not good enough' tales, the 'just work harder and move faster' sagas, the 'you must earn it - you're not worth it' stories. Sometimes I listen. Bad move.

Recently, I was asked to be part of a panel discussion about welcoming and affirming religious non-profits (of the sort for which I work). (Part of our small-time community effort to stand against the Exodus conference going on nearby.)

My part was to tell the story of the last seven or so years of my life. Recalling some of the details, the twists and turns, the ups and downs, the sadness, grief, and joy of it all. Telling my story makes it real again - the grace and the details that remind me how many folk gave support and love, how Love overcame fear, how surrender and trusting were the only avenues that made sense.

I need that trust, grace, surrender, Love, support . . . . . I need it still. And telling my story helps make them real again. It really is the Truth that sets us free.

I feel better now. Which story are you listening to?

Raindbows over 'Exodus'

2011-06-03T16:59:00.001-04:00

Those sad folk who call themselves "Christians" and believe that gay folk can be turned from their evil ways will be gathering near my town of residence next week. Needless to say, some queer folk in our town are setting up some events to counter said gathering. How this odd city with so many queer folk can exist in the midst of such unbelieving "christianists" never ceases to amaze me.

Reading some of their entries about freedom, grace, compassion, etc., I must admit that I could say many of the same things about my experience of coming out! Dig deeper blinded ones - the Truth is out there. The Deeper Reality of Grace is that God loves us as God made us: queer. Love Wins.

Through forty years of deep struggle, the depth of Grace has accepted and embraced me. And called me into Love. Yep. Love wins, indeed.

If today is the end of the world, it's already tomorrow in Australia

2011-05-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

"It's the end of the world as we know it . . . ."

Yes, and I am feeling fine.

I've seen a bit of the news about the end of the world, on Saturday, May 21st, at 6 pm. Daylight or Standard time? But I'm unsure as to which time zone the prediction was referring. It's already Sunday in New Zealand, which is (apparently) still there.

I guess the ancients who encoded all this secret stuff in holy writ didn't specify. I'm not so worried, though I'd like not to have to prepare for work tomorrow. And, (it's now 4 30 p EDT) there may not be much time left. Unless your on the West Coast. Is it still there? Hello California, we salute you.

Those who see things encoded in scripture have confused their King James Version with Sudoku and the crossword.

I've got to get to work. I have a Rapture Party to attend tonight.
Cheers, all.

Fair to partly cloudy

2011-05-14T19:21:00.000-04:00

Rain has moved on. The sun is shining. Still, my life is partly cloudy. Folk have been keeping my really busy of late. Really. I'm giving up on treading water and hoping to find my snorkel and flippers. It's deep, but not circling fins have been sighted, yet.

Bears in the garden.

I've been honored to be asked my opinions on some things by a few readers, here and there.
I am always happy to respond to questions. Email is on the profile.
Not sure I'm so wise or experienced, but being in an odd sort of work, it interests some others in this odd sort of work. Too bad none of them live closer by. I'd like to meet some folk in this odd work who are, well, odd-like-me.

This summer, I hope to have some time away from work, but there are no plans as of yet. And no money to go with the, as yet, unmade plans. I'm always happy to stay with friends here and there (and always welcome invitations). Though space is limited here, always glad to have company. There's only the sofa, or my bed. Take you pick.

Right now I'm so tired, I'm wandering. Best to get back to some emergency assistance at hand. It's always when I'm off the clock, except, I never am.

Cheers to all.

Come out! - On having lived in a foreign country

2011-04-23T18:32:00.002-04:00

In talking with a friend about my journey (years of living the life I thought I was supposed to have, marriage, children, suburbia, etc.) he said to me, "Oh, so you really know what it's like to live in a foreign country."

Of late, I am living more and more into being Out. Having sojourned in a different land (in which I convince myself that I am a sorely mixed-up straight boy who just needs to get over this desire to rub up on some hairy men) I have come to discover that I've been speaking a strange dialect that I've never quite mastered. Now, I am learning to return to my native tongue - and it is coming back to me, so to speak. {Now look, I know the previous sentence may seem to be full of double entendres. I didn't mean it that way; or did I?}

The gospel lesson a few Sundays ago was the story of the raising of Lazarus. It is not lost on me what Jesus says "in a loud voice:" Lazarus, come out!

Yes, there you have it. Jesus himself commands us to come out. Ha! Tell that one to Fred Phelps. (Don't bother; he wouldn't get it anyway).

When, in fact, Lazarus does come forth, he is bound up with all the burial clothes. He is bound up, dressed for death. But now, Lazarus is given another chance. Jesus does not remove the wrappings. He gives other instructions: Jesus tells the family and friends gathered (their mourning put on hold for some other occasion) to "unbind him and let him go." Jesus may raise the dead, but it takes the whole community to unbind him. It takes a village to help him come out.

It certainly does.

Thank you all. Chris & Simon, James, Jeffrey & Jeff, Rich, Sean & Jeffrey, John+ & John, Guy, Jack, Joe, Jane, Mahan-Dan-Liz-Miles, Porter, Bob, Dr. Ur-Spo, Wayne, RG, Benji, Raven~, Troll, Dave, Betty, Birdie, Michael, Bigg, Larry & Greg, Merritt, Paul, Gregory, Michael, Mark, Austin-Rob-Michael-Mickey-Joel, Richard, Migs, Harry, . . . . . . . . . . . .and so very many more. thank you.

It's nearly Easter, but resurrection seems to be lagging a bit, for me. (Maybe I need some res-erection. Sorry).
I am so looking forward to next week, and some time away! It won't be far away, and comes only through the gift of a local establishment given for the health and well-being of folk in my ~~weird job~~ rather strange vocation.

Come out!

Hey

2011-04-13T16:19:00.000-04:00

It is most inconvenient when life interferes with blogging. But alas. Such is the case.

I am alive and well, all things considered. Work has been consuming much time, energy, and spirit. I've been dealing with several serious cases, in my work with a certain religious non-profit agency. Life and death, to be exact.

I hope to get some things written before too long.

I rejoice in the arrival of Spring. [sniff, sneeze, drip]

Ouch - and - the power of song

2011-03-14T22:31:00.001-04:00

I must remember how to tie shoes. No, it's not the mechanics of handling the laces that eludes me (though, I must admit, it took me quite a while to learn, as a child). It is the mechanics of bending over to tie them.

I "threw my back out." Again. Ugh.

It's not so bad as last time. I am much better after just a few days. But still. This is not the way I wanted to spend "a few days off." But it has forced the issue of taking some time off (which was sorely needed - no pun intended).

So, lying here in bed, legs supported gently, I've slept, read, watched YouTube videos (and some others), and done some work needed for today. It was stuff for which I was responsible for a business meeting. I did not have to lead the "stuff", just have it prepared. And so, over the weekend, I got it all done, emailed to appropriate folk. It was an out-of-town meeting that I don't mind missing. That wasn't really how I wanted to take time off, either.

And, I've got a big presentation thingy at work on Wednesday night. So, I'll have time to work on that.

And in other news . . . . .

As mentioned, I watched some things on-line. Several of the oft-touted It Gets Better videos, once again, moved me to tears. Why does that always happen? Some of the most moving ones involved several gay men's choruses. So I Googled several and watched more youtubes of them. I cried more. Good stuff. The power of song, the wonder of men's voices, the strength of other gay men singing out together. The Heartland Men's Chorus has a wonderful mission: "our voices enlighten, inspire, heal, and empower." They are out and proud and take that mission seriously, I think. Many other gay men's choruses do that, as well, and I was inspired and healed by hearing stories of others. And music that sings to my soul. There are some great It Get's Better videos with both music and interviews from the London Gay Men's Chorus, The Gay Men's Chorus of DC and the Vancouver Men's Chorus. Worth watching.

Love wins

2011-03-04T22:11:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine said he did not believe that God would condemn anyone to "hell" but that all will go to heaven. It's just that some of them won't like it one damn bit.

There are always some who will complain. No matter what.

My relationship with God has no need for anybody's condemnation.

I saw recently this video by Rob Bell. Don't know if I'll buy the book, but his premise is compelling. Impressive.

LOVE WINS. from Rob Bell on Vimeo.

Restless

2011-02-25T16:48:00.000-05:00

It is tough going to work. And ain't it a shame how this work stuff gets in the way of life! Can't they just send me the check each week? Oh, yeah, the pay check. Well, I guess that is a reason to go to work. OK, if I must. And, yeah, I guess I must.

Being in such an odd profession, time off to "recharge the batteries" is important. I know, you wish you could have it too, right? Well, coming form retreat tome back into work time, right into a board meeting was a big mistake. I sort-of "grumped out." Not good. It wasn't terrible, but I should have taken some more transition time. (Or, I should have just run away while I had the chance).

Now I'm feeling a bit restless. Just a shade unsettled. It's my day off, and I'm in my office. There were some personal things I needed to get done here. But I ended up doing a wealth of other work-related things too. I ain't too bright, I know.

But maybe it's some other condition of restlessness or frustration or something . . . . .

I'll try to behave myself.
Well, probably mostly. And definitely safely, if anything.

Noisy, Public Sex

2011-02-18T17:54:00.000-05:00

We are having a veritable heat wave! Went well into the 60's today. Glorious! And, after some rough winter, you know what that brings out . . . .

The damn frogs! My housemates have a lovely, good-sized pond in the front yard. Now, at this moment, as I write this, there must be fifty frogs who have shown up, (seemingly out of nowhere) have loud sex. The water will be clouded with semen before long. Ugh.

Not that I'm opposed to loud, public displays of semen, but really. . . . .

Odd Bear in Silence

2011-02-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

I'm still away from home, spending time in silence. It's odd that I might enjoy this. I'm very much gifted (or afflicted) [or both] with the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I've not been too extreme in the hyperactivity part, but there have been evidences of that. I just don't sit still that long, that well.

Except, or course, when I do. There is something about contemplation that just gets to me. Why on earth would this be something I could do: sit. In silence. Still. (somewhat) focused. For thirty minutes. Yes. Me.

Sparse, but comfortable

It is very strange to me. And it feeds my soul.

On my trip down, a friend invited me to stay over. It wasn't that far along my way, only about 30 miles, but it was a start, and a chance to visit, have supper, etc. We had a great time. Lots of etc., too. That's another thing about me that seems strange. I so very enjoyed the etc., and I'm so very much enjoying my time in silence. I suppose it could be a sign of some sort of a maturity that the sacred and sexual parts of my life seem to blend, to meld, to work together, and not at odds. It just seems like the most natural thing.

I'm odd that way. Maybe, not so odd.

Into Silence

2011-02-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

OK, so, I'm in this strange kind of job, you know? Really. It's just different from what most people do. Unexpected for a gay man, who's been divorced. Just not what you'd think.

And, it can be a very draining profession. Dealing with a many needs, on many levels, in many ways; and there is seldom a dull moment. Long days; sometimes long nights; always weekends. So, every now and then, one has to get away. Way away (sort of).

Having no money, there are some resources upon which I may draw for away time that is work related. No, it's not a convention in Las Vegas. It's a retreat. A real retreat; an old-fashioned retreat.

Silence.

I'm leaving today for about 3 days of silence with a bunch of folk who live in community, and don't talk. Meals, prayers, silence. right now, it sounds like heaven to me! I am really excited.

On the way, I'll stop over for a night with a friend. That part of the trip won't be silent. But there may be parts of it where I will be unable to talk.

A film maker did a documentary on a group of silent folk called Into Great Silence. I recommend it. I'll be with Trappists, though, not Carthusians, if you care to know!

I will be writing some but not sure if I'll have Internet connection. Maybe I'll post something if so inclined. No TV, no chatting, no noise. Long walks, some books to read. Silence.

I am so gonna love this.

Gleeful

2011-02-07T16:52:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I've never watched Glee. Until Saturday night. The Oxygen network was having a night of back-to-back episodes of Glee.

Some of it is really over the top, corny, just-too-much. But as a gay man who loves music, dance, and theater, what can I say. But, I was so impressed with the wonderful way it addressed being gay, being bullied, being accepted, being supported. I know; it's television, not real life.

I've just seen part of three episodes. And I cried. (Don't I always!) Does it really happen that way? No. Television has little relationship to reality, even though we think it should (?) just because it looks like "reality." But maybe it shapes a few people. Maybe it will make a difference.

In one episode, the bully is (finally) confronted by the gay kid. (I can't remember all the characters names). The big, mean, football player bully is shocked at being confronted. He's caught off guard. His true colors emerge, but only for a second. The big, beefy football player leans over and kisses the gay kid. OMG. It's not just the twinky femme guy, but maybe the beefy footballer, too?

Too simple, too TV? Maybe. But when we see it as art, as theater, as story, maybe it can tell us something else. Isn't that why we like plays, and art, and literature? Stories can tell us the Truth in ways we would not otherwise get it. As Picasso said, "Art is the lie that tells us the truth." I hope someone will get some truth from it.

Up to my ears

2011-02-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks have been as hectic as I can remember. And, I'm not firing on all cylinders. Winter blues and workplace blues have set in, and that's made the demands of the week even tougher. But, I abide, and we move through it.

The last two weekends have been taken up with work stuff. And, there have been some emotionally trying, draining moments. One was losing a colleague whom I wish I'd gotten to know better. Too late now.

It leads me to think on how I keep myself so distant from folk. The walls are still there. And, I'm not sure how to "be" around straight people - mainly straight men. I've kept myself at a distance from most men, over the years, because I was afraid someone would figure me out. And I hadn't quite figured me out yet. Silly.

It will take time, practice, patience, etc. Ugh.

Of course, I'd like to get to know more gay men, too. Mr. Right, where are you?

Privacy and Reality: but The Bear Abides

2011-01-23T16:31:00.002-05:00

For reasons various and sundry, I've had to change my profile. The old one is gone (sort of) and there are new "contributors" on my blog. Well, they are really just me. I've moved my blog to a new . . . . . .something.

As I am out at work and need to be seen in the electronic community, I've had to do a few things to protect the privacy of my blog and such. i don't want to stop blogging or delete my blog, or feel restrictive in what I can write. So, if I've dissapeared as a 'follower' of you blog, know that i just might reappear later.

If this is confusing to you, it is more so for me. The enduring electronic presence of me (or any of us) is a little scary. Our words, images, statements, etc., have been captured electronically, and may remain in cyberspace forever and ever, and ever.

While I've done what I can to change some things, The Bear Abides.

This is a test

2011-01-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

Really, it is. Don't worry. Just changing some things administrative.

Cheers.

Home again

2011-01-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

My housemates are back from foreign travels. It is good to have them home. It's been lonely.

Snow is melting. s l o w l y. Life moves on.

Working in the non-profit sector has its interesting moments. One odd thing is the 403b. You may have a 401k, but I have a 403b. And they aren't the same.

For reasons to arcane and enigmatic, I cannot cash out my teeny tiny 403b that was going to pay my offspring's tuition this semester. I am screwed. Royally.

Somehow I will make it happen. But today, I know not how. Ugh.

On Christmas day (in the midst of a really big snow storm) my children, and their mom, and I went out to eat, as we've done every year for the past couple of decades. Every Christmas. Only two places have been so honored to host us on these occasions, one in the small town where we once lived, and the other where I (we all) now live. Fancy. Expensive. Tradition!

The latter establishment has, in its expansive lobby, two huge fireplaces. Really big. The picture above tells it all.

Stay warm, friends. Hope you've someone to stay warm with! Cheers.

Again!

2011-01-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

OK, I've had enough winter. It is snowing again! And it is bitter cold tonight.

Some snow-showers, some flurries, all right. But this is a few more inches. And not the kind I like!

Ugh.

And in other news . . . .

Well, there ain't much other news, this time. Stay home, stay well, stay warm.

We Begin Again

2011-01-01T15:18:00.001-05:00

Thomas Merton was a great spiritual writer of the 20th century. Maybe the greatest, at least from a Christian perspective; but his work really crosses a lot of boundaries. Many saw him as a great spiritual "guru" of a sort. But he never saw himself that way. One of my favorite quotes from him is, "Surely, we are all beginners."

It is comforting, helpful, refreshing, and hopeful for me to hear such words from such a one as Thomas Merton! There's hope for me yet! I'm beginning so many things. I'm beginning to discover "me."

Christmas Day Snowstorm 2010

Coming out, even to myself, at such a late age has given me the advantage of a more supportive environment. The world has changed so much from my early days of rejecting the possibility that i might be gay. No. Not me. Couldn't be. And that's be 30+ years ago. Denial. Hiding. I didn't even know what closet I was in.

Now. Now is so different. And out feels so good.

And in other news . . . .

My housemates (hosts, really) are gone till mid-January. So if you want to come visit, there's room amongst the cats. Not the prettiest time to visit my neck of the woods, but not so bad, either. A foot of snow has melted already, and there is promise of some warmer temps and sun. Has been a bit lonely around the house. I've come to appreciate anew the gracious hospitality I'm offered with C & S. It's nice to have some folk to come home to.

I've taken a few tests of late. Tests that have raised my anxiety greatly! Fear has been rampant. But I took the bull by the proverbial horns and got it over with. Thank you God! The anxiety built up over the "grading process" was more than I'd admit to. The major test was a quick one, resulting in nothing to write home about. And that's a very good thing. You get what i'm talking about (and email me if you don't). A good way to start the new year.

After it all, I was really emotionally over wrought. And I did something that is a bit difficult for me: I called a friend and said, "I need some hugs." And, God bless him, he was there for me. Just hugs, and dinner, and talking. Nothing more. I didn't need advice or solutions, or sex - just a friend. I'm learning to make friends. Up close and in person. Surely, we are all beginners.

And, I finally made an appointment to have my eyes checked. It has been a while! But insurance has changed so that I can afford it! And my eyes are very healthy, but very different! I mean the prescription on the lenses will be totally different. I will be able to see well again!(No, I still won't be able to see straight). It's really a minor thing in some ways, but it's been driving me batty!

We begin again. We start over. It's not back where we were, it's someplace new. But we begin it again, nonetheless.

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding, near the end of the poem. It's one of Eliot's Four Quartets.

Mery Christmas

2010-12-25T00:58:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas to all;

and to all, a good night.

Alive and trudging

2010-12-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

Had I made this post last week (or even earlier this week) it might have been a bit bleaker. But things move, shift, awaken, recede.

Christmas is coming! Ugh! My children have been a help in keeping me a bit focused, doing the seasonal tasks that need doing. It's the shopping that I hate.

I don't mean i detest doing any shopping qua shopping. It's buying presents that will never be just right, good enough, etc. And, it's spending money. I am rather ~~cheap~~ frugal, ~~like Mr. Scrooge~~, a good steward of my ~~paltry~~ resources.

But I'm getting ~~buy~~ by.

Meanwhile, here is a picture from a month or so back. Turkeys in the yard at our house in the woods.

Darkness & Light

2010-12-04T09:45:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. The days are getting shorter. And the Darkness descends. This time of year has always been difficult for me, and this year is no exception. But it is not all darkness. There is light, as well.

I am getting some things in my life together; I'm not letting the darkness overcome me.

My back is still a bit troublesome but better. The weather is getting cold; it may sleet or snow today. There are many work responsibilities requiring attention.

Enough for now. I am here, I am still moving, journeying, living.

The light shone in the darkness. The darkness did not overcome it.

And in other news . . . .

The picture is of my room in the House of C & S. It's small, but it's home. Looks like I'm going to be here a while. They are wonderful, welcoming folk with whom to live. I am grateful. My laptop sits atop a bookshelf (when it's not in bed with me). The towel and such on the bed is for Pippy the cat who stays with me. The windows look out onto the garden. The house has a wooded setting, so there's little need to clothes the curtains.

I'm making some new friends, slowly, carefully.

Horizontal prayer

2010-11-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

I've had a big meeting to go to, a bad back, and a bad cold. Ugh. Monday was for me a day of vertical prayer. When so much stuff happens at once, I get into my "dark place" and start whining. For me, all there is to do is to be simply with it all. Ignoring the details, the voices that want to pull me under, just sitting with it, letting it be, trusting that the darkness will not over come me. And it passes. sort of.

Though the back still hurts a bit, and the cold is fading, I'm back into the thick of things at work. It's going to be a long week. It's not a question of keeping one's head above water but of how to snorkel.

Maybe I'll have something of interest to post next time.

2010-11-08T17:53:00.001-05:00

Thanks for all the responses on retreat ideas. Keep them coming!

I've been watching some of the It Gets Better videos. They are so touching, moving, sad, happy, and glorious. One of the LA Gay Men's Chorus singing True Colors moved me to tears (as so many of the videos have).

I think for many of us, there is much stored-up grief. Tears always help me let it out.

Enjoy. And weep. And celebrate.

Your Ideas and Suggestions are welcome (and needed)

2010-11-06T21:01:00.001-04:00

This working-for-a-living thing is for the birds! Ugh. Only kidding. I am thankful to have a job, and a great one, at that. Hectic it has been. With my back still hurting some, it means I'm moving a little more slowly than I'd like. But I'm hanging in.

Bear with me and help me out, folks. I've gotten myself in to something, and I'm not altogether sure what I'm doing. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome (and desperately needed).

The Basics: If you were to go on a church-sponsored weekend retreat for GLBTQ people, what would you want to happen?

What would you want to talk about?
What activities, topics, ideas/
Music, worship ideas?
It will be drawing from basic Christian tradition, but I'm sure a wide variety of spiritualities will be discussed and practiced.
What would you want to hear from "the Church"

Realizing that no one (not even the pope) speaks for the whole Church. And no one can even speak for a particular denomination. But hang with me, go with the flow, try to think what you'd want.

Something like what I've talked about (a weekend retreat) will happen the first weekend of April 2011. And I'm to be involved with it. Who could imagine such? Why me Lord?

Help me out. You can post a comment, or email me directly: beartoast@gmail.com

Cheers.

Photo credit to BG, again. I didn't mean to close my eyes. If you embiggen it, it gets scary!

Slowly better

2010-10-25T18:32:00.000-04:00

The back is better. I'm moving slowly, but I'm moving. Thanks for the support.

Today is a tough day for a back ache, for feeling my age. Because today, I add a year, complete another circuit of the sun, begin again with new numbers. Today, of all days, I didn't need to feel older.

But, aging is the only way to live.

There is, for me, much for which to be grateful. I know, I keep saying that, but it's true. And, it keeps me focused on all the good stuff that is there for me. Still, all kinds of feelings rush in. I'm trying to practice how to welcome them and let them go. Not welcoming the yuk stuff, just the feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, confusion, or helplessness that comes with them.

Letting go is such an important part of life. Not just saying goodbye, or living with constant grief, but setting free ourselves from stuff that may weigh us down.

The leaves have changed. This picture doesn't begin to convey it.
I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

Back to Back

2010-10-23T10:20:00.000-04:00

I've hurt my back. Again. Thursday, there was this big thing I had to carry at work; that 'set it up'. Then, a wrong move on Friday, and wham! I hate when this happens.

And, as housemates (actually, my hosts) needed the spare room, I was staying with another friend. So, I'm not even in my own bed (so to speak) to be laid up. Now, I'm at another friends for a night or two.

Feeling old, broke, homeless, and alone. These things combined for a major meltdown on Friday. Blessedly, I was already scheduled to see my counselor-friend on Friday. I cried and wailed, releasing some pent-up grief.

Moving very slowly, I'm able to rest up a bit. Time to get back on the ice packs, take the drugs.

Full Moon Funk

2010-10-21T17:41:00.001-04:00

I'm in a full funk, and it ain't good. Maybe it's the full moon. Surely that's got to be it.

Leaves, river, and moon

Some job stuff is weighing heavily. And I'm not having fun, today.

I'll get over it, I suppose. But in the mean time, apologies to all my blogging friends whose blogs I've not looked at in at least a week. I'll get back to reading soon, I hope.

Still, there is much for which to be grateful.

Meanwhile, funk on through the storm.

Odds & Ends

2010-10-16T12:45:00.001-04:00

I have shed many tears over videos on Dan Savage's "It gets better" project. Watch them. Weep, and rejoice. As a teenager, I had no information to know what I was. But in my 30's, I did come close to suicide. I'm so glad I didn't. It's gotten SO much better!

C'est moi.

There is more information for youth, and the rest of us, today. But maybe not enough, or not enough info out there for them to find.

Last week, with an opportunity (working with my regular 'customers' who happen to stop by on Sunday mornings) to speak on the subjects of bullying and on accepting gay and lesbian folk, I was scared sh**less to say anything. But I did. And with very positive results. Once again, they didn't fire me.

And in other news . . . .

Dating life is not going so well. The guy I have seen several times, over a month or two is just the greatest guy! He is nice, kind, considerate, not pushy or pressuring. And fun to be with. I told him last week how much I want to fall in love with him. But I'm just not feeling it. It's simply not happening. While I'm able to accept this, I also have this commitment to being honest. I can lead him on, drag this out, continue to pretend. Though I hope we'll see each other some more, I had to tell him how I was feeling.

Meanwhile, he is ready for me to move in with him. Smitten. God knows I don't want to hurt anyone. But I recall a friend of mine in a similar situation. He was head over heels for a guy, and they were together for a year or more. though they didn't live under the same roof (as I believe they were in different, but not distant, towns) they spent a great deal of time with one another. My friend was smitten, in love, over the moon. But I'm not sure how much was really talked about. His lover comes in one day and announces he has met the love of his life. And then he could not understand why my friend was thrilled for him. Friendship for one was love for another.

I don't want that to happen. For me, for him, for anyone. Ugh.

Maybe something more will grow? But I don't want to deepen the hurt or prolong the end. Time will tell. Who knows? I, too, am trusting that it gets better. It's not just for teenagers

That was more than I meant to say about that.

Photo credit: BG with thanks, even though you think I'm angry

Aside: Somewhere there is a joke about a proctologist and a psychiatrist going in to practice together. They were trying to come up with a creative name for their medical office. While I don't remember the punch line, two of the suggestions were "Nuts and Butts" and "Odds and Ends"

Angry

2010-10-06T14:49:00.002-04:00

I'm so angry I could spit.

All the teen suicides of late seem to point to bullying and teens struggling with their sexuality. Many of us can remember the pain, or still feel it.

As a teenager, I was too isolated to know what "gay" was. When I was (occasionally) called a "sissy", I do not think I understood the full import of the taunt. But I was never taunted much, never really bullied because i was the biggest kid in the school - not just overweight (which I was) but big. Taller, bigger, stronger. So, I was just left alone. I felt the isolation, but not the mean, sadistic taunting and bullying that so many have endured.

And for those who could no longer endure it, I pray for the repose of their souls. As an adult, I have entered that darkness that isolates us from everything and everyone else. The only way out seems death; that feeling that the world will really be better off is just weren't around.

Oh, God, it's an awful feeling.

If you are part of a church or spiritual institution that remembers the names of those who have died, remember them this Sunday, October 10th. The day before National Coming Out Day.

Pray for those who never had the chance. Work like hell so that others will know they DO have the chance.

Billy Lucas (15) September 9, 2010. Indiana
Cody J. Barker (17) September 13, 2010. Wisconsin
Seth Walsh (13) September 19, 2010. California
Tyler Clementi (18) September 22, 2010. New Jersey
Asher Brown (13) September 23, 2010. Texas
Harrison Chase Brown (15) September, 25 2010. Colorado
Raymond Chase (19) September 29, 2010. Rhode Island
Felix Sacco (17) September 29, 2010. Massachusetts
Caleb Nolt (14) September 30, 2010. Indiana

listing courtesy of Jeremy, and the New Civil Rights Movement

Just Thinking & Pride

2010-10-01T13:26:00.000-04:00

Thanks for responses, especially regarding job stuff. I've written about it before (I think), but this is no where near "the end" of anything. As has been said,

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. Sir Winston Churchill, Speech in November 1942

This is all just thinking, praying, discerning what may be. In my line of work, it takes forever to make a change. So, it's just something rolling around in my head - or my heart.

And in other news . . . .

Tomorrow is our local Pride celebration and I get to participate! A division of the non-profit with whom I work is having a table/booth there, and I'll be staffing it - in uniform. That may cause a ripple or two, but I hope not. Or maybe I do. And then, there is the after-party! I do have to work the next day, and early, but have reduced duties this week as someone else is making the main presentation to our 'customers.'

I'm making new friends, here and there; still meditating every (weekday) morning; and being grateful for all I have. (Oh, I did miss Tuesday morning - because of Monday night. Goodness, I'm not telling:).

Merrily we roll along

2010-09-26T20:06:00.001-04:00

It is emblematic of my week that I've neither posted nor read many other blogs. It's just been like that!

Long days. Long evenings. A few nights without a lot of sleep. I'm not sure why, I just couldn't sleep. So, part of one day had to make up for that. Ugh.

But life is good, on the whole. Much busy-ness, but good stuff. Nothing "over-the-top" good or bad. Just rolling along. Eldest has job; youngest in school (and the roommate issues worked out). So, it's good.

Linville Falls

The religious non-profit for whom ('with whom') I work is hitting the financial downturn in a big way. Nothing catastrophic, mind you, just 'tough'. I may have to take salary cut for the new year, but I've seen that that might be coming. Or, we may have to lay someone off, and that's not a great option. For lots of reasons, particularly some political ones. Don't you just hate politics in the work place? Ugh. But that's what's real. We navigate carefully, slowly, gently through it all. My time here may be beginning to end. That's not too bad a thing, but there is the question of what next. And I've been pondering that for a while.

Things in my organization seldom (if ever) move quickly. So it may be a few years. I know, in the business world you thing about things happening in days, weeks, or months. Big corporations open new outlets only to close them in a few months because something changes at corporate. Hah! We take years, decades, centuries (it seems).
Glacial pace (global warming notwithstanding).

It gives one time to think. And pray.

Alright Ok

2010-09-15T20:59:00.001-04:00

Yes. I'm alright and OK. But busy! And, I've started a new discipline. Ugh, yes, I said the word, discipline.

I'm not a disciplined sort of fellow, which may seem odd to some, given my profession and the discipline which I've undertaken. Praying.

Along the Blue Ridge

Every weekday morning, a few folk (3 to 6 or so) gather for prayer and meditation. The place is called Servanthood House. A few programs, meetings, etc., go on there from time to time, as well as a counseling center that uses some of the rooms as offices, a sabbath circle gathering for a meal and worship on Fridays, and this group that gathers weekdays at 8 am.

There is little format or no formality, really, just silence. Some read, some journal, some (like me) sit in silence. I'm trying to practice Centering Prayer (which takes far more practice that you'd think), but not sure how well it's "working." But "working" isn't what I'm there for.

There has been such craziness in my life of late, I have been closer to the edge than I want to be. But I cannot control any of it. It seems I'm going to be owing thousands to the IRS. I already owe a lot to credit cards for expenses that had to be paid for my children. With alimony, etc., I'm down to not much. (Look, I'm not whining here, just reporting). There has been a lot to do at work, and I've not handled that all so well. I've been lonely, trying to date some and not so sure how that's working out.

So much that I cannot control. But then, I wondered, "What is it I can do something about." You know the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've spent so much energy, time, spirit, worry on things I cannot change. Finally, I've garnered a wee bit of wisdom to know what I can do something about. But, it won't change my finances or work load. But at least I'll go off to debtors prison with a most serene spirit. Well, that's something, ain't it?

Too long have I been avoiding God. Too long made excuses. I'll just do it. What could it hurt.

There have been no astonishing revelations or huge spiritual awakenings, but there have been good feelings, a calmer spirit, a more settled me. And for that, I am very thankful.

A Date with Elk

2010-09-07T15:13:00.002-04:00

Elk are big. Really big.

On Monday, I went with a friend to Cataloochee, part of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Elk once roamed freely there before being wiped out in the late 18th century. A few years ago they were re-introduced and are now flourishing. And they're big!

The drive over the mountain to get into Cataloochee is on a steep, winding, gravel road that follows the path of earlier tracks. Imagining what it was like to cross those mountains on foot or horseback is quite a stretch. Those early settlers must have been made of very stern stuff. Even today it seems very remote.

Of course, I forgot my camera. But I got a few shoots with my cell phone which I'll try to download.

And in other news . . . .

Dating is going slowly. I think I'm too afraid to let myself feel. Or maybe the man I've seen a few times just isn't "the one." His company is quite pleasurable (indeed!). We have fun. But, I seem to be the kind of guy who just does not make room easily for another person. I don't think to call, to plan ahead, to do thoughtful things. I live in the moment in such a way that I don't see beyond the end of my nose.

Plus work and other crises seem to keep getting in the way. There is a lot of fear running loose in me. Again. But I'm working on it.

Shaken, not stirred

2010-09-01T17:42:00.001-04:00

Since we last left our hero (me) the world has turned upside down. Well, my world has.

Call from my accountant: I owe the IRS thousands and thousands. Yes.

So, my finances were supposed to change in September with a big decrease in alimony. But now that must all go to the Government. No moving to housing of my own. Possibilities of paying rent for myself are dashed. C & S are stuck with me a little longer (and they continue to be so very gracious).

Call from genetic off-spring, her new (used) car has died. Ends up it a catastrophic engine failure. Over-heated, bent, warped, cracked, dead.

Good news! It's all Honda's fault: they will replace engine, extend warranty, we're back on the road (soon).

And that was just the weekend.

But I am not beaten. Weighed down, but not crushed.

Irregardless

2010-08-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

No, it's not a word. But it'll do for a post title.

Some time in reflection helps lower the anxieties of the moment. I'm on a far more even keel than I was earlier in the week. 'Bout time.

And, a visit with a good friend helped as well. Goodness me, a good visit. Thank you G., for kind attention.

On the left is a picture from the Blue Ridge Parkway of the amazing bridge that skirts the side of Grandfather Mountain, known as the Linn Cove Viaduct. An incredible structure, built to do as little harm as possible to the surrounding environment. You feel as if you're hanging in the air when traveling its brief span. Links will give you better photographs, but this is one I took myself!

Then, on the right is a bear. I know, you can see that. But it's a bear at our porch. We haven't seen as many bears this year, but we've seen plenty of the evidence. If the bird feeders are brought in at night, they are likely to be in the woods by morning.

Of course, the bears don't always wait for the night to do some foraging.

Click on the pictures to embiggen them.

I say "our porch" but in fact it isn't mine. It belongs to my dear friends, C & S who have housed me (and often fed me) for over a year. I've paid a bit, sure, but not nearly enough. All the money in the world wouldn't be enough to express my deep gratitude to them for their very kind hospitality. We get along quite well, and they have been very understanding of my situation. It has been so great to come home to some hugs and company in the evenings.

My commute to work is over 30 minutes. (Don't laugh. I know there are many of you who'd love to have only a thirty minute commute! And the traffic isn't even that bad). I am so blessed! But the time is coming soon when I will need to have my own place, something closer to work, and some place I can put my stuff in. (It's all in storage at my place of business. And we may need that room back. Plus, I've missed some of it).

My work is odd and my hours unusual. So that makes the commute a bit strange sometimes. No two days are alike, except when they are.

No Vacancy

2010-08-23T17:56:00.001-04:00

I'm reflecting on why today has been one of "those days." I've gone over the abyss. Just so much seem to hit me the wrong way, I just couldn't manage very well. At least I didn't manage very well.

A boat in a tree. yes.

Details are unimportant. Extended time off is called for; some silence, alone time, and no problem solving. I need, more than vacation, some vacancy. Vacant time, space, and thought. Time to "veg." As one with big-time ADD, down time is important: time to let the brain unwind or dis-charge itself - like a just-unplugged computer. The little light does not go out immediately but slowly dims and dies as the power within the transformer dissipates.

I am weary of all this gloom and stress in my life, as I am sure you (faithful readers) are tired of it, too. Let's hope the Muses will strike with something more innocuous for me to write about.

In other news . . . . .

Youngest child has returned to college. Oldest child has returned home from summer travels. Next for her, a job. She'll be hanging around here, giving me more time to connect with her and build a stronger relationship. After four years away (and the family turning upside down), it is important for us to do that. More importantly, I want to do it.

Nothing of exciting, romantic, or salacious news to share. Not that I would. . . .

Speaking of life speaking

2010-08-15T23:10:00.003-04:00

Below are some quotes from Parker Palmer's book, Let Your Life Speak. I'm still working on the listening part. These words have meant a great deal to me, helped me on my journey, aided me toward coming out.

High Falls, DuPont State Forest, NC

Instead of more whining from me, read this.

Before we tell our life what we intend to do with it, we have to listen for what it intends to do with us. Before we tell our life what truths and values we have decided to live up to, we have to let our life tell us what truths we already embody, what values we already represent. In other words, there is an inner life that wants to live through us. By listening to our lives, we can better discern what we are meant to do and what we are meant to be, what God wants us to be and to do.

Today I understand vocation quite differently – not as a goal to be achieved but as a gift to be received. Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice “in here” calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original self-hood given me at birth by God.

It is a strange gift, this birthright gift of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it – and I think I am not alone. There is a Hasidic tale that reveals, with amazing brevity, both the universal tendency to want to be someone else and the ultimate importance of becoming one’s self: Rabbi Zusya, when he was an old man, said, “In the coming world, they will not ask me: ‘Why were you not Moses?’ They will ask me: ‘Why were you not Zusya?’”

I'm not sure of the page numbers or such. The link above give a much larger excerpt.

Showers

2010-08-14T00:49:00.001-04:00

The housemates are gone for the weekend. It's just me and the cats. I'm home alone.

Tonight the Persieds are beginning. I went out with blanket on the drive. But the clouds are moving in. It's been a lonely night and there is still some sticky stuff all over my belly. I've had too much to drink. It's a cool summer evening. I'm hoping, wishing to see.

And I did see one! A meteor. A falling star. And there upon I wished.

I wish for the life of which I've dreamed. Not some far-out fantasy, just the real thing.

I wish to face the darkness I dread.

I wish to be not the jerk I sometimes act like.

I wish for the me that longs to be.

All right. A bit dreamy, I know. But I've had too much to drink, it's late, and I'm in a wishing mood.

To quote Hammarskjöld: For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, Yes!

Okay. I'll go to bed now.
:

Post haste

2010-08-08T15:23:00.001-04:00

A week since a post! egad!

Supposedly, I am on "vacation." But not having left town, the emergency situations have been piling on. And, there has been work at the home of C&S, where I reside. Bathroom renovations: painting, new light fixture (which will not cooperate), new flooring, etc. Work and work. I need to help with the second coat today.

Deaths, crises, etc. have kept me hopping. Next time, I'll leave town. But who wants to do that by one's self? It is loneliness and isolation that bring on the darkness. And, in work with my counselor-spiritual director (and he is the best!) I've discovered (re-discovered) how I keep waiting. Waiting for something. Something from the outside, some external force, person, or situation to pull me out, to decide for me, to tell me the next move. I want and external force or being to push or pull me into the next place, the next level, the next . . . . . whatever.

Not fair to me. Not fair to them. I can do better. I am doing better. Back in January, that sense of trust and that force of self brought me out of the closet at my place of work. Over the last five+ years, I have seen (without seeing) and known (without knowing) that I must come out, or die 9either inwardly or otherwise). I must become true to myself, to the One who crated me, to those around me, or continue the slow-motion-suicide-of-the-soul that was pulling me into an abyss. I can. I am. I will.

But we must sometimes learn lessons over and over and over again. Not because we are 'slow' or stupid or not-very-clever, but because those lessons are of such breadth and depth and height that they cannot be learnt all at once. It's the journey. And each step, each place, each learning, every revealing is itself the destination. "All the way to heaven is heaven," as saith Catherine of Sienna.

Ugh. When I get wound up, I just start writing. I should edit most of this out. But not now.

and in other news . . . .

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've made some good friends. Good friends. Two in particular who are local, and very, very nice. With one, I feel a wee bit of a spark. Is it that? Or what. With another, I feel a pleasant comfortableness. Which is what is whom? I want to tread carefully. But I don't want to wait on some external something (see above, paragraphs 3 & 4). I am trying to move slowly. But not even sure how to do that. I'm also trying not to over-think it all. I'm coming to realize that emotive one that I am, I still live in my head all too much, or all too often. And fear often leads one into one's head.

I've over written all this. But there it is. Certainly there are sexier things to write about, but those things are easier to figure out. I am not.

the Date of the Day

2010-08-01T15:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I've played with the blogger template some more. A little change here and there is nice, every once in a great while.

I've got some time off and hoping that I'll enjoy it. I'm not good with lots of unstructured time. I'm bad. Which may be better. Or not. More staycation as little vacating will occur. Unless of course, it does. With me, you just never know. Never.

And in other news . . . .

So. I have had a few dates. With guys. And I've had some conversations. And, I have hooked up with a few. And, with some, I've had all three. Look, you could count all this on one hand; maybe with half the other hand. So we're not talking as much as it sounds. I guess.

What am I looking for? How do I decide, figure out, discern? And what is it I'm deciding, discerning, or figuring out? Do we do a piece of newsprint on the wall with 'pluses and minuses' for each? Am I opening myself to something or just shopping? Or none of the above.

I'm working to give up on searching and just wait to be found. Maybe. But there is one guy. . . . . . .

Maybe.

Keep me company

2010-07-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

I'm excited about have a bit of company this weekend. (Well, for 24 hours or so). Dr. Benton Quest and husband are dropping in for an overnight. I love to have company and meet fellow bloggers.

My mood/malaise/merde is better. Still many things to sit with, work through, embrace, be transformed by, and all that stuff. Life can get so serious sometimes! But never too we hope.

Work is a place where I have not been able to focus much. Ugh. In order to provide some direction and relief in that quarter, I am taking vacation the next two weeks. Don't know that I'll go anywhere (as that costs money), and I want to spend time with youngest child before the return of college days for her (and tuition days for me). Maybe some day trips or overnights, here and there.

So life goes on. The beat goes on. cha cha cha.

Perhaps I'll have something more interesting to write another day.

Better than yesterday

2010-07-22T18:52:00.000-04:00

OK, well, as much as I liked the "all black" template, I suddenly noted how many others are using the same thing! I couldn't have that. So, another template change. Maybe a bit cheerier. We can all use that.

Several kind, supportive comments have come my way, and I am very grateful. I get way too serious on occasion. Forgive. Oh, it's all still there, but naming the struggle helps. Lordy, I'm not all that bad off. I'm managing.

Today I nearly lost it with mail-off prescription jerks I must use with my medical insurance. Not such a big deal but complicated. Details. Explanations. Things done clearly and in linear fashion. NOT my strongest gift. And, I hate dealing with folk telephonically. I much prefer face to face. Alas.

A friend visiting this weekend should help my mood. I'll try not to spread my morose mood.

A new template - maybe

2010-07-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

So, we will have a new look for a while. Wouldn't it be easy if we could rearrange life as easily, with the click of a few "virtual" buttons.

Electrons on a screen rearrange so easily. Life, not.

I've been in on of those moods. Depressed? Well, not exactly. More morose? Reflective? Pensive. Not sure. (I didn't know this was going to turn out to be multiple choice).

Life isn't always multiple choice. OK. some words of a spiritual / religious / transcendent sort-of nature. If that's not your bent, it's all right to leave now.

Darkness. It seems to crowd in, sometimes. All our short-comings, inadequacies, things-left-undone, self-doubts, etc. come crashing in. Perhaps "creeping in" is better. They sneak up on you. You face the darkness. And it ain't pretty.

Trusting in God seems a troublesome thing. Where the hell is that holy and mysterious One? I know, it isn't all about comfort, and nice feelings, and warm fuzzies. It's about God. And God is not what many think (not warm fuzzy, comfort, problems-solved, etc. -- that's more toward magic: The ATM god who gives us what we want when we do the right things, enter the correct code, follow the rules).

The Presence of God is just that: Presence. Knowing we are not alone. (Perhaps "knowing" is too shallow a word - grokking?) There is a comfort, assurance, a "resting" in God - but it's still not always (or often?) "happy happy joy joy."

Trust is that believing in Presence is in the midst of Absence. Beholding Nothing, but trusting that One is there. Here. Now.

Look, I know this probably sounds really "out there." Well, that's where I am right now. Finances, loneliness, decisions, the Future, all my inadequacies - all these things seem very present to me now. And that's not the Presence I'm needing.

Somehow, somewhere, someday. I am held. I am not alone, nor abandoned. But I am lonely.

maybe I should get a dog.

Good books make it better

2010-07-09T12:17:00.002-04:00

The cold is better. Still drainage, sniffles, etc., but I have more energy. But being sick always "brigns me down."

And, with the work stuff, I can sometimes plummet over the edge of the chasm into a real pity party. Some time, distance, and a walk by the river always help, and they have. Up and down.

Time to myself with a good book always helps, too. I think I've mentioned finishing up A Clearing in the Distance about F. L. Olmsted. Also finished Grand Avenues, about Pierre Charles L'Enfant. It's that thing with planning / design / engineering stuff that I just love. I'm weird, but fun.

With some Barnes & Noble gift cards to be used, youngest child and I went on a spree. A now-in-paperback Steve Berry novel was one of my purchase, along with something new in the biography/memoir section: The Bucolic Plague. OK. Two gay men from Manhattan start a goat farm in upstate New York. Sounds interesting? So far it's funny and charming. They've started a business, and with all the connections they have, it's turned into a marketing mania. I've checked out their website, watched some of the videos, and would love to see the "reality" TV show (The Fabulous Beekman Boys). I've seen enough to know I'm in love with Farmer John. Woof. Note to Sean and Jeffrey: They're not far from you all.

Even though I realize it's a big marketing thing (hey, they've got to make a living, too), I've enjoyed reading about a gay couple making a life. There are so many of us out there, it's good to see it in the media in a positive way. Yes, that they are gay is "part of the plot" because it's unexpected. But they are there, working, making it. Out there. Out there.

I hope to be out more and more. Now I just have to find the partner. And be found.

Sniffle, snort, ugh

2010-07-05T09:06:00.001-04:00

By now I'd hope to share a bit more of the big adventure. But work has been very full (of shtufft) and a bad summer cold has got me snorting, coughing, sneezing, and sniffling. Ugh.

And, I've been in a reflective mood, and a bit down. The non-profit with which I work is (as are so many) running out of money. So, the big weekend meeting to say "We're running out of money," was a big downer. Ugh. And I felt like ~zx%df.>rt()@<#, to boot.

Nonetheless, we persevere. Onward! cough cough. snort sniffle.

The paws that refreshes!

2010-06-25T14:59:00.005-04:00

Sorry about my spelling there, but . . . . . .

Being true to one's self has such wide-ranging effects I could never have imagined. Embracing and befriending the fear can turn it to joy. And so it has. I had the most fun! As I come to be my authentic self (no small task, no easy journey - but it's getting easier) things come more easily, more confidently, and more joyously. The fear has been so much in reaction to perceived "musts, should, and oughts;" the joy is living my life as the one I have been created to be, and called to fulfill.

Oh, my goodness! I can't thank Sean and Jeffrey enough for the grand hospitality they shared. It was wonderful to get to know Jeffrey, as he and I have some amazing parallels in our stories. Sean was his always-effervescent self and (despite his protestations) a good tour guide. And, Sean drove me around to find an affordable camera to replace the one that bit the dirt (literally) in Albany's Washington Park. The sight of Moses parting the waters was just too much for me. Gravity took hold. thump.

New York state, through its rural areas, is beautiful! One so tends to think of New York as "the City," but that is such a small part of it all. While I knew this intellectually, I'd never been anywhere else in the state (and, to the City only twice, each time for a mere couple of days, and in mid-winter).

Thanks, Jeffrey, for the camera guide; and Tom, drop me an email. Josh, thanks for the plug.

The drive down the state, into New Jersey (where I'd never been) and into Pennsylvania was actually relaxing. I enjoyed the rural scenery and made my way to Lake Gonebelow (a little known place that appears out of the mists when you cry Woof.) This be the home of the great Lemuel. He treated me to a delightful lunch of Philly cheese steak and home made fries (at a local establishment with license to provide such eminent fare). Desert was particularly good, as well.

Then, on to the wilds of Bowie, Maryland, where Jeff and Isaac (and their greyhounds) were warm, friendly hosts. Y'all hang on to my Birkenstocks. I'll get them on my next big adventure. Isaac drove me into DC on his way to work. There, I was able to arrange to meet with old friend and colleague, Frank, whose story parallels mine in so many ways. He treated me to lunch and good conversation. We walked in the sweltering heat through the National Zoo. I wish I could remember to take pictures.

And there's more. For later.

I've had the most fun in the last week than I can remember having in years! And it's not what you think. Or, maybe it is, but that's not all, I mean, well. Never mind.

"Having a wonderful time, wish you were queer"

2010-06-22T22:11:00.001-04:00

Ha ha. Well, that's the cleverest title I could come up with. Sean and Jeffrey have been wonderful, gracious, accommodating hosts. Sean has news, info, and pictures at his blog. So glad he didn't post the picture of . . . . well, never mind.

Sean wrote about my camera's encounter with gravity, so it may be a while till I have some pictures. But I shall.

Albany was great! Washington Park was designed in the style of Frederick Law Olmsted by John Bogart (who had worked with Olmsted and Vaux), and by John Culyer. But it looks so Olmstedian! And, we got to stroll along the Hudson River. I didn't know the Hudson was estuarine up that far! Again, amazing! There are some great examples of Richardsonian Romanesque as well as Beaux-Arts style in downtown. I know, you probably never thought about any of those things. And may never have cared! But I am easily amused!

You see, this is all such a big adventure for me because I'm getting to do things no one else much wants to do (at least, few and far between). Usually, I've traveled with family - and they seldom want to see such things (and have had little patience with me). And, supreme graduate-level pleaser that I am have been, I always put those things aside. Except for a bit of a rushed schedule, I've not had to make excuses and miss such in order that we might find just the right chicken nuggets for lunch. This is a big adventure!

Today, I've made my way through New York, into New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, stopping to visit with Lemuel for lunch. Then To Maryland and a stay with Jeff and Isaac. Bless them for their hospitality!

Tomorrow, some stops in DC (with no one to tell me that they've seen enough of the National Gallery).

Joy & Sadness - and PRIDE

2010-06-18T15:27:00.001-04:00

Rainbows should never be missed. This photograph is a rainbow that appeared over our fair city last week. Never, ever miss a rainbow. Happy PRIDE!

and in other news . . . .

There's a lot of sadness in me. Still. Oh, but there is some joy, too. I don't want to over-emphasize the sadness, nor do I want to dismiss it. With me, as with most of us (I guess) there are competing emotions that go tearing around our hearts and souls. You can't figure me out easily. Well, I can't, anyway.

Tomorrow is the day i leave on the Big Trip. I'm excited and apprehensive - it's that sad and joy mix-up again. Maybe it's more fear than sadness? Hm. Sad to be alone. Joyful to be out. Sad not to know all the details of the trip. Joyed to live with spontaneity.

The joy is far easier to live with than the sadness. But sometimes the tears just need to come forth. I let them; never a real problem for me. Except when it is. No, the sadness will not pull me into a bottomless well. though I sometimes fear that. No. I will make it through. And some joy will show up.

It also helps being ADD - I see something shiny and I'm off in a different direction. Look! a rainbow.

Breaking bonds - breaking away

2010-06-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

So many years of so much fear have kept bound up in one way or another. It's been much grist for the therapy mill! Going somewhere, traveling on my own, being adventurous - none of these things have come easily or often. Oh, my wasted youth! Then, I wallow in my inabilities to venture forth. I'm not good at planning, or even just thinking ahead; And I'm too cheap to spend much (usually because I'm too broke - as is now the case).

Fear can be such an insidious, strangling, invasive vine - tendrils creeping in to parts of life and thought, undetected, till we try to move or stretch. Then, we feel that catch, that thing that grabs, unbalances, trips us up, tips us over. Soon, we just freeze up, stop moving, stop trying.

But I shall not be bound (he said, with a quiver in his voice, not sure he believed his words). So, I shall fake it till I make it, then.

Though still trepidatious, I'm venturing out, a bit. There is some family component to part of it - that's the impetus for the trip there -ah! but the return trip is mine! For reasons various and sundry , I have to go to upstate New York (Schenectady) to deliver someone to something. Then, I am on my own!

As of Sunday afternoon, I am sprung free for a bit. One blogger friend is offering hospitality for the trip back! I'm so excited to be able to meet him and his partner! Hoping to line up another get together. Anyone between up there and down here, I'd love to get together with.

If you're along the way (basically Albany, NY to Asheville, NC) and we could visit, let me know. I'll only have a few days, but I'm excited to get away on my own. Almost never ever happens. Maybe this will be the start of something. ("Yes!" he said, giving no hint of his equivocations, "I shall begin again.")

I feel so brave - well, for a few minutes!

Random ranting and changing the world

2010-06-08T17:02:00.000-04:00

Wanting to post more often, I think I should quite my job. Then maybe I'd have time for a life. Things have been hellacious at work (ha ha).

What I do with my religious non-profit involves many things. Many various and asundry things. Such a wide variety of things you wouldn't believe. today for instance, I've played social worker, planner, permission-giver, editor, and delivery boy, counselor. That's all I can remember from what's already happened, today.

Woman in need. Three children (4 yr old, and twins). No transportation. And no diapers. Husband (are they really married? Does it matter? Well, they're straight, so who cares, eh?) works, gets ride to job. But working in landscaping/lawn care means no work when it rains. So, no money (or not much). If you can't pay the rent, etc., how ya gonna save up for a car??? There is little or no "safety net" for folks like this. And I've met them, worked with them, etc. They are really are hard-working, doing the best they can.

So, in WalMart (I hate WalMart) to buy diapers, juice, snacks, and a gift card. And deliver them. She tried to get a ride to pickup something here at our religious non-profit office, but she'd have to bring all three kids. And folk want cash for the favor. And I don't have cash to give. So, I'm on the road again.

While attempting to shop at WalMart (I hate WalMart, did I tell you that?) I come upon a physically challenged man in one of the hated WalMart's electric shopping carts. What's his story, I wonder? In his basket, some hemorrhoid cream; and he is having trouble reaching the snack bars. There go I, but for . . . .what.

When I think what some folk spend on trifling stuff - and what these folk don't have in basics. How much does Fred Phelps spend on his web page and traveling to demonstrations? How much does "Focus on the Family" spend on defending "marriage" or Pat Robertson on condemning Haiti?

There is so much I cannot do - so many things I cannot fix, repair, or change. But one thing I know, there are some kids with clean diapers, some juice and snacks. And those kids are going to be able to get some shoes, too. (That was one of mom's priorities with gift card).

Take that, you hate mongers.

Now I'm tired and going to a fabulous gay pot-luck.

Art work stolen from the work of the fabulous GAY author-illustrator Maurice Sendak,

from Where the Wild things Are. But you knew that, didn't you.

"What am I gonna do . . . ."

2010-05-31T23:43:00.001-04:00

I'm in a reflective mood, right now. Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary, were I still married. I'm having a heavy sad spell.

What am I gonna do, when the best part of me was always you" from a song by the Script

Right now, that seems so true for me. My wife was a wonderful part of me, usually the best part. If only I could have made it work. If only I turned out to be the nice, straight boy I wanted to be. And sometimes still do.

I'm not really talking regrets here. I'm just talking sadness. I'll get through it. Don't know if I'll ever get "over it." For all the ways in which I have hurt her, I am deeply sorry, and deeply sad. Of course, there were (and are) ways that I've hurt me, too. (Maybe this is one of them). And maybe, it's just the way it was, and is. Maybe it just is, and I should let it go, leave it be. Some things are laid aside that easily, though. And I did not leave my marriage easily.

She was (and is) such a great woman. Thanks for loving me as best you could. Not an easy task, I know. And, as I've said, I wish that all of me could love you as much as most of me does.

Today, I'm not so happy about being gay. I want to be. Being gay is about more than hot gay studs with bodies, looks, endowments, and endurance I'll never have. And (in my best self) don't really care about having (well, that's not totally true).

I remember falling in love with her (and I really did, you know). I can remember thinking (in some sick, twisted way) that I couldn't be gay because I could fall in love with a woman. Now, I wait for the other side of the coin, the obverse, the deeper truth (at least I hope it is).

I hope he will be as great as she, and that I can be all that I wanted to be, and real.
And I hope she will find someone far better than I ever could be. (Though it's not like I was that bad, you know). I've thought about her a lot, today. I hope her day is going not-so-sadly as mine.

Tears come too easily tonight. Enough.

Blogger gathering

2010-05-30T13:24:00.002-04:00

Forgive the lack of posts. I have actually had to be working for a living (novel thought, that). Long days and much "stuff."

Biltmore Bloggers gathering was great fun. Worn out from seeing the gigantic crib of the rich and famous we did gather for a picture. It was wonderful to meet (face-to-face) with some blogger friends.

Not only have I neglected to post anything, I haven't taken the time to read many things out there in the blogosphere. So, dear friends, forgive my lack of comments and contact. There really has been a lot going on.

Plagued with distractability (and a touch of dyslexia) reading is slow going. Enough for now. . .

Successful Transfer of Stuff - and Compnay comes to Town

2010-05-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

Graduation and all attendant festivities were fun, successful, and are now complete! Yea!
All "stuff" has been returned to home base. Yea!
It's over 500 miles (one way) to attend my eldest's graduation. the packing, loading, moving, and unloading took time and strength (I am so butch). And it all got done. Yes!

And in the mean time Larry and Greg have come to town (from Ohio) to visit my fair city and the beautiful mountains and forests and waterfalls and hiking trails that surround it! They treated me to dinner last night (thanks guys), which was most welcome after unloading all the "stuff."

Tomorrow, Java and UltraDave are joining us for a tour of the House in the neighborhood. Great fun! I'll try to get some pictures of us all on our big trip.

Road Trip

2010-05-12T16:58:00.003-04:00

OK, first off, my date was very nice. It's a guy I really like and want to see again. Not sure if he's the same on that score or not, but I think so. He talked a lot; I listened a lot. Maybe their will be some more "mutuality" in that regard next time around. I am a good listener, but I want some air time, too. We'll see. Friday evening, we had dinner and walked around downtown. This is one hopping little city, so downtown is very, very lively on a Friday evening. It was good. I know you're wondering . . . . .but it was just dinner and conversation. Not that it's any of you business, and not that I'd tell you, anyway.

Eldest daughter is graduating from college this Saturday. Yeehaa! So tomorrow I leave for the long trip out (510+ miles there - then back again on Sunday). It will be good to get her home, give her some TLC. Dad's coming out process has weighed heavily on her, and some depression has set in. It isn't so much my being gay as separating from their mom, leaving the house, upsetting everything she had known as "real." So, what is real now?

Though I believe my living authentically, telling the truth, and being who I am is very important, for me, and for her, it is going to take some time and work for her to get use to that. We will take the time. We will do the work. It will be good.

High Falls

2010-05-08T22:14:00.000-04:00

Today, youngest child and I had a fun day, venturing to a nearby state forest with several waterfalls. We went to the highest one, uncreatively named High Falls. Here are a few pictures. It's really much bigger than it even begins to appear in a photograph. You just gotta see it - and hear it - for yourself.

The folk in the picture are probably 100 feet or more in front of the falls. Click to really embiggen it.

That's me near the base of the falls. You can't even see the top tier of falls from this angle. I'm still farther away than you might think. There is quite a bit of spray from the water, too.

Of course, there are many more spectacular waterfalls in the world. This ain't no Niagara or Iguassu. But it's right here in our back yard, and I love it.

And in other news . . . .

I had a date last night. A real one. It was quite nice. Indeed. This is a different man from the last date on which i reported. I really like this guy. We've known each other a year or so and actually had a meal together before (but that didn't count, exactly), and seen each other at gatherings. Somehow, for whatever reason, this was different. Less eventful than you might (like to) imagine, but that's fine. It was good.

Seize the Derby

2010-05-06T20:50:00.001-04:00

Well, the Derby party was very nice. Indeed. Lovely. I did not wear a harness, nor was it hosted by any of my "customers" (to respond to Dr. Benton Quest's furry question).
But it did get interesting.

I'd been asked to pick up one of the party goers, as he did not drive (something about a seizure disorder, or something), and it was on my way. No prob. And he was (is) not bad on the eyes, either.

After arrival, it was time for the requisite mint juleps. I brought fresh mint from the garden of the home of C & S along with the hors d'oeuvres (with which C helped me greatly. Merci!)

Said guest (whom I transported) was very nice, but drank a wee bit too much. Not that much, mind you, but it didn't take much (combined with pain medication) to counter-act his seizure medication. You know what happened . . . .

Band Bump. "What was that?. Raising children contributes to one being a quick responder. Being raised by a critical care nurse also prepares one for many things. So, off I go. Curled up on the floor, blood spewing out. A small seizure, but a seizure, nonetheless. And a room full of queens.

"Please get me a cold, clean wash cloth. Now. And a large towel." Stretch him out carefully. Watch the neck. Where's the blood coming from? "OMG! should we call 911!?" "That'd be a great idea. But tell them not to use sirens. Could you check his wallet and see if he has a medications list."

Meanwhile, the first responders arrive, secure his neck, check vitals, etc. [Firefighters are so hot. And this time was no exception.] They call the ambulance for transport to the ER. "I'll follow." "Oh my, do you know how to get to the hospital." Oh, yes. I'm very familiar. I visit there often. (Part of my rather strange employment. I even have a little badge that gets me in to things.)

It rather shortened the party atmosphere. But while the EMTs were working with him, I got the chance to finish my dessert.

Actually, it had some grace in the situation. He needed some medications adjusted - big time. Having suffered a stroke of some sort many years earlier, our friend has a mild seizure disorder and some other issues. I just didn't have in mind to find out all about them quite that way.

He's better, home from the hospital. And my horse lost.

Post time

2010-05-01T12:21:00.000-04:00

I've been invited to a Kentucky Derby party today! Interestingly, or amazingly, I've never attended one before. Should I wear a harness?

I'm just saying.

Backwards and Forwards

2010-04-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard -Danish philosopher-theologian (that happy guy who gave existentialism, sort of)

I spent so many years in "a funk" that it has seemed the default mode for me. But there is life beyond it. And I'm coming to realize that in small ways. Folks who've heard of my big coming out story often asked, "How's it all going. How are you doing." I stop and think.

I'm doing well. I mean, I am really doing well. At least today is a good day, so why not enjoy it.

For all my whining, I am doing well. At lunch with a friend today, he asked about the anti-depressants. (He seemed to think that I was "heavily medicated." Well, it wasn't that much). But yes, for years I was on anti-depressants. I've been off them now for five months. And I'm doing well!

Medications are wonderful things, and I highly recommend them, when necessary. While still in the closet, it was a good thing to help me manage and get through life, get the job done, still keep my head above water.

Coming out has freed a big chunk of my mind to focus on other things. (And my mind is kind of chunky). I am so grateful. Believe me, there is still lots of "stuff" to wade through, in to and out of, but I am managing.

I am re-training my mind-heart-soul-life to have a new default. Not the funks. In the midst of it all, I don't always see it. Too easy it is to fall back into the old, default pattern of "funk." But when I stop, look back, I understand. It's just not that way any more.

Thought I'd let you in on all that. I'm letting myself in on it, too.

Day Off, new day, different day

2010-04-23T20:58:00.001-04:00

Today was a day off for me, and I took it. Not always easy for me to do. It's not that I work so hard (I really don't think I do) but my line of work involves a lot of "emotional labor." It can really weigh you down, drain you, suck the life out of you. Well, out of me, anyway.

So, some walks. There is a very large home, complete with very large gardens, in our small city. It's a really big house, and they invite tourists, for a small fee. So, I renewed my yearly pass (a dent in my budget) and went for part pf the day. Nice.

Lots of tourists, couples, etc. One couple looked as if they just might be family. And they were. I offered to take a picture of them together. They had just gotten married (in DC) and were on their honeymoon! After 28 years together, they were finally able to tie the knot in their city. It was really sweet!

They discovered some connections I have to the District of Columbia, and my "company." We played "do you know" and sure enough, they knew a few folk in my company in that area! Small world!

I'm still pondering my Tuesday evening experience, over-analyzing it, over-worrying. I'll get over it. But I hope I don't have to wait too long for another date. With him. Or anyone. I'm available, you know.

Dated

2010-04-21T12:13:00.000-04:00

Well, it was a date. Nice. I have much to think about. How I acted. How he acted. How I responded. There are occasions when things take a course quite different from what we, in our best selves, planned, wanted, desired.

I did not go on this date with deep expectations, but I admit to some (unrealistic) hopes. I understood that they were exactly that. I was OK.

But those occasions when our less-than-best-self gets in the way - or I allow it to. What is this telling me about me, about my judgment, my wants.

Needless to say, I'm a bit disappointed. In him? In me? In both? But it was nice.

I guess.

Amazon jungle, and more river

2010-04-19T11:17:00.000-04:00

I was asked about amazon. Yes, my daughter got the book. Two of them in fact. Order 2 and 3 arrived. Wondering if order 1 will be lost forever.

And, here's another picture of our river, at a calmer spot.

It seems I may have a real, actual "date" for tomorrow. Some lesbian friends are setting me up with someone they think I'll like, he will like, etc. God, I'm nervous.

a River runs through it.

2010-04-17T22:48:00.004-04:00

The mountains are beautiful with spring doing its thing. Within our community (as in right down the middle, so to speak) runs a river. Gracious, wide, rocky, rapids, and full-flowing right now. last summer, the water got low.

I was out by the river this week, taking time to be. Some kayaking / rafting folk were out practicing. Here are some shots. And some others, for run.

And, appearing for a short time only, me.

Uh oh. I've disappeared.

Update

2010-04-12T09:59:00.001-04:00

So, Amazon sent the book, but it was to have no charge for the shipping. SO, they charged me full price plus shipping. Then they charged again, full price no shipping. They charged me twice. For the third book. Let alone the other two.

The book (apparently) did arrive at the school on Saturday, as promised. The package pick-up facility is opened from 8 a till 2 p on Saturdays. Except for this past Saturday, when they did not bother to open. No explanation.

We will see today if it indeed did arrive.

I am going to go ballistic.

Amazon Hell

2010-04-08T23:36:00.001-04:00

Well, it's not so uplifting, but it ain't the usually stuff.

Today was spent in Hell, with amazon.com. Oh, and FedEx, too. Plus, i talked with the Post office, but they couldn't help.

College child # 2 needs book - desperately - for a course. Not available in stores. So, Amazon. Ordered a used copy from one of their suppliers (an independent, used book dealer. ships from their shop).

But HOW does it ship? Postal service address for college child is a college PO Box. FedEx does not deliver to PO Boxes. But I didn't know it was going FedEx. So, I gave the PO Box.

Book does not arrive.

Easter Day. No Book. Order a second used one. From amazon.com. Ask for expedited shipping. That will be UPS or FedEx, right? So, give the college package address (completely different, different format, etc).

They shipped it Postal service. But the PO doesn't deliver to that address.

Today: call, email, call, email.

two hours on the phone.

After two calls to FedEx, I finally discovered that I made a strategic, major, inordinately large blunder. i put the wrong zip code.

Still.

I emailed my apologies to the book supplier for whom i gave the wrong zip code (and whom had received two other "less-than-pleasant" previous emails from me) asking their forgiveness and offering to pay any additional charges to get this book out of a post office back room in the wrong town with the wrong zip code.

If the third order (from amazon.com, directly, not one of their used-book suppliers) does not arrive by Saturday before 2 pm, I will be in danger of upsetting the Dept. of Homeland Security.

Waiting for something New

2010-04-03T11:57:00.008-04:00

I'm not feeling it this year. Like most years, most holidays, I'm just not quite there, yet.

This is supposed to be about new life, New Life. Jesus, raised from the dead, giving new life where there was death. Not just the same old stuff, brought back, but something completely new.

I have much reason to feel this new life thing. After all, I came out in my place of work and have been accepted with little (visible or audible) fallout. It's worked! But I'm still dragging a bit. Still reaching for it.
I know, I Know, it will come. Be patient. Wait for it. Hang in. Hang on. And I am.

Alleluia! Christ is risen. The Lord is risen indeed. Alleluia. This is the ancient cry of celebration from Christianity's earliest days (originally in Greek, of course). And I'll make that cry tonight at the Easter Vigil service at my parish. And tomorrow morning, too.

But I ain't feeling it yet.
Of course, Jesus' friends didn't know what to do about it either. It was completely out of the realm of their existence, their belief, their knowledge. This resurrection thing was completely unexpected. Everything had gone down the drain; they lost; it was all over.

But not.
And it isn't over. And I'm not done. I'm waiting, hoping, expecting (even), something new. New. NEW.

It will come.

And I promise to post something more "fun", one of these days.

Catching Up

2010-03-31T14:22:00.004-04:00

I am reading Michael Thomas Ford's book Full Circle. A fan of his work, I am finding this the best yet.

The main character, Ned, reflects on his life, growing up gay in the 60's and onward. Ford weaves a great tale. Ned would be the age of my oldest brother, not much more than me.

What would it be like, growing up gay, and knowing it? I can't imagine. Though I know I am not alone, sometimes I feel it. I know a number of gay men around my age (I'm 54), but most came out when they were younger. Even those who, like me, had been married. I feel like, "What do I know about this?"

I guess I haven't earned my "street cred." I just haven't had much time to fully embrace all this, embrace me. I know, it will come.

As I seek to begin to think about the possibility of the idea of being in relationship, (beyond friends, beyond "playmates", into the deep stuff) I get scared. But also, I don't know where to begin: with my heart, my mind, my spirit. The body part I got figured out. That I can do.

Knowing where to draw lines, where to cross them, what they encompass, what that restrict. Is this a "date" or just having a meal? Are we talking friendship, or open to more possibilities? Making love? Or just playing around?

And, are we still friends? just friends? More than friends?

I am trusting this will work out. I will learn. I do trust. But I ain't got lots of time to work all this out. Not lots of time for hit and miss, learn-as-you-go, next times.

Gay Wisdom

2010-03-21T15:43:00.000-04:00

Finding about about gays and lesbians down through history has been helpful and encouraging for me. I urge you to check our Gay Wisdom. You can reaceive an email everyday with bits about famous (infamous) GLBTQ folk, Plus occasional articles and news. Publishers of White Crane Journal, these folk do a great job.

The daily emails are free. And, you can subscribe to White Crane, if you want. Or just give to support this valuable resource.

And in other news . . . . .

Regarding my last post and comments I received, let me comment on a comment from Lemuel. His advice is wise.

I don't want to get too "pushy." I know the balance is delicate. Part of the irritation for me is that some "customers" may just disappear, and I know I have no control over that. How do I balance talking about it, and leaving it be? I want folk to talk instead of just avoiding me, or the issue.

But I can't control any of it. Wait, watch, and pray.

Whose business

2010-03-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

We've had some discussion at my place of business about me. Coming out. The boss is gay! He's queer. OMG!

Hasn't been that dramatic. But is has been serious. Things are still (generally) going very well. We are feeling the pinch of the economic crush. )At least I'm hoping it's the crunch and not about me. Probably a bit grandiose of me, but, well, hey.)

At our "board" meeting, I asked "how things are going? what are you hearing? any fall out that we need to talk about?"

Of course, again, the old paen that is really isn't anybody's business. Of course it's not. That's right. And i can't believe what I said back to them:

"Well, no. It may not be anybody's business. But straight people seem to make my life their business. I'm the one living with the condemnation, the secrecy, the hiding. "Don't ask, don't tell" is easy when it's not your life."

Oh, my. I'm not sure it came out that clearly, succinctly, or (actually) forcefully. But it's the gist of what i said. Yes. I am going to make it my business.

I'm gay. And I'm here to stay.

It really helps me to say that.

Thanks

2010-03-13T18:26:00.003-05:00

Thanks for tall the comments and warnings I received on my last post. Yes. I do know that dangers, and I plan to heed your warnings. I'm not really interested in this person who works with (and for) me except as a friend. The vibes I'm getting from him make me cautious. I think he is interested. My bad is that I can be such a flirt, sending signals that aren't meant to be taken seriously. Well, not too seriously.

Much to learn yet have I. And then, there are all the excuses we make about "Oh, I'm different. I can handle this. This situation will be different." Such dangerous stuff.

My coming out in the work place has allowed this man to talk about his being gay in ways he never has before. Maybe it's freeing for him, too. He has worked there far longer than I have, and is quite secure in his job. It is a very specialized field he's in, and he is only part time, and much beloved by our "customers / constituents". Several years older than I, I think he's lonely.

So, it really would be a sticky wicket for sure.

The task is continuing with a friendly, yet professional, relationship, as another gay person on staff . . . . . . that's going to be a chore.

Sticky Wickets

2010-03-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

OK, it's getting warmer. The snow is going. The sap is rising. Yes, mine, too.

Tonight at a function at my place of business, where many people show up for dinner and a program, we had beer with supper. Now that's a little different, but not unheard of for us. We are a fun crowd.

I was the program, or I should say, I was presenting the program. It was entertaining, basically accurate, lively, informative, and entertaining. Well, I am entertaining.

There is someone with whom I work, another gay man, who seems interested in me. Hmmmm...... There is, however, a small problem: we work together.

Well, actually, it is one very big-ass problem: I am kind of, well, his supervisor. Oh hell, I am his boss, the boss, the Big Boss. This kind of thing could prove very sticky (and not in a good way).

I like him. He is nice. But I'm not . . . . I don't know. It could be ethically challenging. I am SO glad I'm not a congressman.

Why the Green Man tonight? Well, why ever not. Hope for Spring.

Learning to Breathe

2010-03-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

It still doesn't feel so much "better," but it is better. I know. There is weight upon me still, and not in a good way.

At a recent business meeting, I talked with a colleague about it all. It's like, now that I am out, there is no need to hide, no more pretense, no more faking it. No more pretending.

And that's it, exactly. No more pretending.

It seems like grief. It feels like mourning. I've given over so much energy (in the past) to bottling all of this stuff up. Now the pressure is off. The weight lifted. And there's a bit of emptiness. I'm saying any of that is bad stuff; I'm just describing how it's feeling. Different. A little empty. I can no longer pretend I am something I am not.

So now, it's discovering who I am. What does it mean. And, yes, there is still a part of me that longs to be "typical." By that I mean, "straight," married, happy family, promising career, etc.

[I'm coming to dislike the word straight as meaning "heterosexual." Straight has too many other fine uses. And I know a lot of straight people who are bent in their own ways. I prefer the term typical because that is the norm. There are more of them than us. That kind of life is more, well, typical. There are limits to that word, too. But for now . . . . .]

I am mourning. And I can't pretend any more that it will ever be so.

Now, mind you, this is not regret. I regret many things in my life. But what is past, is past. Can't go back, re-do, un-do or anything like that. I don't regret my children, or event he many good years I had with a very good wife. This is not regret. But it is mourning. Grief.

And there is much to celebrate, too. And I'll get on with that, in time.

This is all new. In this case, new IS good. Now, I'm discerning how life will look, feel, be.

Another colleague said I'm beginning to breathe in new life. New air. New.

And in other news, it has snowed some more. I'm ready for Spring.
You know, I'm ready for a lot of things. Bring it on.

Lent Out

2010-02-19T16:16:00.000-05:00

Generally, all is well. Though there is still adjustment to being out. Friend says, "be gentle with yourself." I'm trying to take that advice to heart.

I'm up to my ears in stuff to get done. I'm navigating carefully at work so as not to be too flagrantly "out." By that I mean, I want to give folk time to absorb it all, to see how things turn out, to see where the chips fall (so to speak). As the saying goes, when the shit hits the fan, it is not thereby evenly distributed.

I know, many may think, "Why bother. Let'em deal with it." Well, that's the way I am. And it's such a different kind of job. And, I have come to like getting paid.

Weather has been a pain, but it's warming a bit now. Snow is still all around but melting. Today it got to 45 degrees and feels like Spring! I (and others) are enjoying it!

Taking time off next week to visit with friend N. He flies in on Monday and here from a few days. I have to work some, but taking most of the week off. I'm looking forward to some relaxing time.

There is so much (so much) in my life that has changed in the last few months, let alone the last five years. When I step back, I can hardly fathom it. Perhaps now, I'm expecting too much too soon. All in good time, my pretty. All in good time.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Trust.

Trust.

Snow going

2010-02-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

I am SO ready for Spring, and no more snow. We don't usually get 10-15 inches at once, and it doesn't usually stay around so long. But this year . . . . .

February and March are typically our big times for snow. I know I'm getting old 'cause I don't want to go play in it anymore.

Well, maybe if I had someone to play with . . . . (mope, whine, complain).

Out. Where?

2010-02-03T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well, so I'm out. All these folk I work with and for. The silence is a little eerie. I'm feeling a cold shoulder here and there, and I know some folk are avoiding me. Not cruelly, but probably necessarily, for them.

For years, I've been plowing through this stuff. For them (many of them, anyway) it is very new. New information about me. Different to face some one well known to them and realize, "Oh. He's gay!" How are they re-playing our history together, re-interpreting things, actions, words. Are folk putting a different nuance onto everything they've known about me?

Probably. I hope they'll get over it. I have no control over it anyway. So might as well let it be.

My journey to come out - all the way - has been a very spiritual one. Entering into a place of radical trust. I want to remember where I've been so I can recall where I'm going.

Ugh. So serious. Well, I'm over all the snow we've had (and may yet have). Where is Spring? I need some warmer climes (or something . . . .). At least friend N. is coming from Europe later this month. That will bring some sunshine.

Cheers, for now.

Not so bad

2010-01-26T13:42:00.000-05:00

The Great Outing is going well. Mostly, amazing support and affirmation. Some concerns and questions from a few. But generally, it's going very very well.

I'm still adjusting. After so many years of a "double life" of sorts, it is a challenge to bring those lives together. And, I realize how my "lives" need some congruence. This is a challenge. I am feeling that the once-hidden life can't go on the way it did. I'm out, now. And, I am out. So, no pretending, no hiding, nothing that might endanger my job. It's a call to some new, honest, authentic behaviors.

This brings up a lot of new questions: How do I feel about getting into a relationship? What about monogamy? What about playful friends? ~~What about celibacy?~~

I'm going to take the time to discern this new life, just as I've taken the time to discern how, when, in what way to come out.

In working with my "constituents" (or "customers"), it is painful when some of them cannot accept me as gay. For a (very) few, I am suddenly not good enough. Well, so be it for them. I've listened and tried to be non-judgmental, non-anxious, and not get angry. Even though some have expressed some old, out-dated, terrible things - all the old stuff about "recruiting", immorality, suggesting that I chose this. No logical, fact-filled argument will convince anyone. It is, in a sense, a matter of conversion of the heart more than the mind.

Here's hoping.